‘I am free to feel anything, yet my feelings don’t free me.
Dealing with them accordingly, does.’
In my past I thought of the present a lot.
Or: I thought of my future with the people at that present in it and did not carefully assess what my actions would do to their future in mine.
This means I made decisions without consulting my conscience, without letting it work.
The best friends I had around me, loved me through it all.
Maybe that’s why it kept being easy to make those choices.
Until it wasn’t anymore.
Until someone stopped wanting to be with me because of my poor decisions.
I’ve had to take responsability for decisions in the past. Do the time.
But not specifically dealing with this character trait of mine. This gigantic part I have created, that is a part of me and becoming less and less of me all the time.
When I make the decisions to walk away from something I wouldn’t have in the past. To look forward and think, ‘ No, I’d like to protect myself and be this better being and in order to get that result, I need to walk away now. ‘
Continual choices that make that part of me less and less,
makes such an excellent feeling inside these bones
like I am slowly letting myself free
with guidelines I am aware of and that I desire to follow.
Funny how being free can mean following rules.
As I am letting a part of me finally go, I am shaping into something else.
And I can feel it’s breath breathing soul into me.