You Can Fake your Way Through Anything…But Don’t.

You can make your entire world ; your friends, family, other daily interactions.. think that you’re okay. That you’re even happy. That you’re feeling a certain way when you are not. That you ARE a certain way when you’re not.
You know how you can pretend to like a gift? And then just shove it in your closet, under your bed, regift..

If we pretend to like the gift of life, it’s not ever going to give us what we want.
The more we fake happiness-the worst being with the ones we are closest with, the better we get at it. Until we are reacting naturally like that.
But what’s the point?
To pretend we enjoy living? To pretend we’re actually as happy as our posted photos say? Come on guys, who are we kidding.
We’re never going to actually be happy that way.
Kinda just gotta be real with ourselves and maybe be more open to our sadness or downfalls and communicative of them. ‘Cause you know, the likeliness of connecting with someone over some unhappiness, is quite well…likely.Whether its with your sibling or best friend or person you just met.
And being cared by someone who REALLY knows your feels, well that’s a really good gift to give back to life. And Life don’t pretend nothing.

I Want to Tell you These Things

I want to tell you that the chimney here at my Dads, caught on fire the day after we closed our doors. You used to be a firefighter. You would have known just what to do.

I want to tell you that I looked for the Easter Hat you made last year for Z. And that I couldn’t find it, no matter where I looked.

I want to tell you how badly I want a doggy like the one we bought together.
I want to tell you how much you taught me.
To tell you that when I openened my chocoalate yesterday, a piece of chocolate shot up and hit me in the eyebrow.
I want to tell you that I have a cardinal clipped to my desk. Your favourite bird.

I want to say that I go in waves of happy and of sad. That I get bold with my confidence, telling myself,” I’ll find someone else, I’ll find someone else’. And then get whooshed into a whelmy sadness ocean,’ you were everything, you were everything I needed.’

I want to tell you that I didn’t do the big thing that you think I did. You won’t believe me, but everyday, I want to tell you that. 
I want to tell you that I finally finished reading the book I got from the librairy with you in October last year.
I want to tell you that I’ve stuffed all my lingere in the back of my bottom dresser drawer and as I put them in there I said outloud, ‘ won’t be needing these anymore- not until you want me back’.

I want to tell you that the visual of your eyes is locked into my head and it pummels up my heart sometimes and pops out of my eyes.

I want to tell you that I still am very close to you. That you’re with me everywhere I go.
I want to tell you all these things you wouldn’t believe, but that are the beautiful gut truth.

I want to tell you that the shirt you gave me that last day, is now in a plastic ziplock bag beside my bed and I smell it everyday. It is the last thing I smell before I go to sleep.

I want to tell you that I keep looking for your truck to pass by my work.
I want to tell you that I took a picture of your license plate the day I dropped it off at the repair shop. So if ever there was a look alike truck, I’d be able to tell it was you.
I want to tell you that I walked by the tree we climbed together on our first hangout. And cried.
And laughed.
At the same time.

I want to tell you what Z says about you and how it always makes me tear up.

I want to tell you that my heart is full of you. That looking for anyone else is so far from what I want to do or am in the position to do.

I want to tell you that I have a 400 dollar ring on my dresser I bought in February for you. I want to tell you that I’m going to return it; not just because now is not a good time, but because I found one that you will love more.
I want to tell you that we’re supposed to be together.

But you already know that.


I am completely aware that I could be in the rebound stage.
After six years of being with someone… and then having the comfortable doors of Canada open?

A guy friend of mine got married 2 weeks ago.
He’s scared. I feel it in his hug.
To let go of the single life, is something to fear.

To walk back into it?
That’s something to fear too

but it is damn exciting.

New Baby and the Caretaker

I had a baby three months ago and since I live abroad, we took a trip back to my homeland for the holidays.

My sister,parents and my best friend had already met the lil gaffer so it was my other two brothers and the rest of friends and family that were introduced to him.
It’s my first child, the first grand baby and I’m certain my brothers had not been around a baby that size in ever.

I came to a few conclusions that trip.
Information to use if i ever have grand babies.. or even if im going to babysit someone else’s child. .

Watch the mother.
I have only been with my baby every day for the past three months, and sure, sometimes it still takes awhile for me to figure out why he’s upset but generally I know what’s going on with him.

So as a grandmother, watching how your child is with theirs, is quite a clear indication of how you should be with baby.

If Mom holds the baby upright and walks around, and baby is quiet, so should you do the same.
If baby is content without being spoken to, maybe a bunch of babble isn’t a good idea.
I understand that by being the mother, baby has a certain attachment to her and if it works for mom it doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for grandma. But it still doesn’t mean you do opposite, you do completely different from her.

It just confused me is all. Watching my mother try things that I knew zeek was not going to like. If she just had watched me with him for a few days, she would know he likes to be carried a certain way and she would notice that I talk to him most in the morning and not so much later on, when I know he’s getting tired.

Saying all this, I also realize that Grandmom has raised four of her own and what worked for us, is probably what she’s trying out on Zeek. It makes sense but we all know each baby is different.

So if ever you find yourself in a situation with the title ‘ newest grandmother or father, cousin or aunt ‘ or just someone whose friend had a baby… Watch how your daughter, sister or friend is with their infant. What do they do to try and calm them?
How do they hold baby? What mood is baby in when mom is doing that?