Door

I think you’re adoorable in the outdoors, even when you turn the doorknob to come indoors. Your endoorance is somehow part of the doork in you and I adoor the way you remember how I looked standing in front of that Egyptian door; the one we had our first conversation by. We had already endoorsed one another then, and we didn’t even know it.

The Battle

The silence fills the temples of my brain
so that it roars with the consistency of you.
Your echo reaches into the walls
the ones you navigate so well through
and in them, continue your empire.

Sometimes out into the butterflys of the air
I say,
” You’re dead, you died, you’re gone.”
The power of convincing is a strong weapon
and I have my heart arms around it tightly.

The windows cloud with discontent,
upset at you for making my thoughts
distinct repeats
while
my heart on the other hand
holds hands with yours
and says
” You’re alive, you live, you are here.”

A battle between two things
that are within
two feet of existence of one another,
the head and the heart.
How does one make them best friends?

 

Co-Wowkers.

Rated R? ( Sometimes I get sweary )

 

I didn’t work today but this morning I walked into the store with a platter of skor bars I made the night before, talked for 20 minutes and bought a game and two bras and as I was standing there I realized I realized I realized

these are my fucking mother friends.

My mother fucking friends.

No, they don’t fuck moms.

But,
these are the people in my life that know the most about what’s goin on in my life. It aint much, but it means something.

I was in the store because I missed them and wanted to see them and be around there happiness and I can’t believe my coworkers are friends I bake for and go into work when I am not working to be around.

 

I’ll just I’ll just, think of that as pretty, as pretty..::

the sum of that is awe sum.

 

 

Text Machines like OldTimes

We texted for 30 minutes last night, back and forth. About fun,goofy,giddy things that held no weight but the deep sense that we were communicating like we did when we first started dating.  You told me you had dropped a knife on your foot while putting the silverware away.

Then today you texted me first, telling me you had got it stitched up.
And back and forth for over an hour, our texts transferred to one anothers phones.

You still love me and you know it.

Trying to stop the Coast

I don’t recall experiencing such highs and such lows, one after the other, in all my life.

Soaring for days, for weeks even, and then plummeting in an instant. Finding self in the dark caves of insecurity with self abosrbed and self hating rocks in all the tunnels.

How the hell did I get here?

I’m stretching out my arms, with my fingertips trembling for any sort of sense.

But the thing is, it all does. It makes sense why I’m here, how I’m here and why I feel the way I do. Well, that part gets me a bit confused. I’m not really sure why I reach very low points. Other then the reason I’m going through  a divorce and I’m terrified about what happens to my child in the future. Sort of a lack of control. Future does have you behind the controls to some extent and even though I still do-I can afterall, control my behaviour, my actions and try and steer my feelings accordenly-  it feels that all of a sudden life has dropped the drive to go forward and I’m coasting towards a giant brick wall.

My desire to see friends wanes. I know they’ll make me happy but when I reach low, it’s hard to even want to be happy. Self Pity. Oh what a deadly thing.

 

 

 

 

Life, I Choose You

You know that quote that goes something like this,: ‘ Don’t take life seriously, no one ever gets out alive anyways’.
How many times do you hear something but you don’t really understand it or believe it?
Well now, I finally get that statement.

I guess my crumple was not the idea of whether to live or die, but figuring out that I wouldn’t end my life. That I couldn’t do it.
So when I came to that conclusion I thought, well if I’m gonna be here, I’d be a little worthless big shit if I’m gonna make it miserable. And then I thought, Well, is it that easy, to make it fun and happy and create a life like that of when I was younger. That felt full of.. life?

And I thought long and hard. I was conflicted. I mean, life was always easy to me. Even the times I went through break ups or sad times, I was back up on my feet running. I was resilient because I had attention and people that I distracted myself with.

But then it covered me in a paste. Simple,rugged facts.

No, life is not easy.
I looked down on my brothers for taking medication to make them feel better about living.  Life is easy and fun. See?  Look at me?

And then,
I’m the one falling. I’m trying to get ground and I’m only slipping and falling down again and screaming at myself to a wall and hating and regretting my decisions and sad all over again because I was the one that was screaming at the wall

because of ME.

And I thought after my lungs were scratched and crisp, that if i could produce that much agony over the past that couldn’t be tampered with now, I could be that beautifully vengeful for my future that had yet to exist. That if i had the power to be that upset over my life thus far, I could be that happy for a life to come.

I may not have the attention I used to have. I may not have the people, the events, the three day weekends of drinking Vex and playing video games with my closest.. but I have love and life. I have choice. I have the power to become who I want to be, every single day. Being sad isn’t going to get me anywhere I want to go. Being sorry for my sadness doesn’t get me anything except a life not lived. I’m not 19 and I can’t go back to that. I refuse to want to anymore. Life is now. With me.

You don’t figure life out, it figures you out.
You don’t try and find life, you create it.

You don’t let life fucking kill you- because it will if you let it- you let life be like, ‘ hey now, there’s a fucking liver of beautiful.’

 

 

 

Do People Know You Well?

“Well, that’s just the thing,” I said to myself.

“The people I have in my life right now,  well, I’ve never had friends that knew so much about me. ”

I’ve had two best friends all my life. They still ARE my best friends.It’s different now because even though they knew me really well back then, my flaws,my faults,my weaknesses, they know me better now because I know myself better.And I ADMIT to things and I will talk about them and I think that, that is how people know you better then very well.

And the post about how the people in my life don’t really know me at all. ‘( People Post) ‘ We could all say that to some degree. We don’t have 12 people in our life all at the same calibre and depth of friendship. Each one is different and along with that comes how much each of them know.

I do not feel guilty for having people in my life that don’t know all of me. That’s just the way it’s going to be. The parts, the ways, the identity they know me as, is true. Is real. Is me. And I think that’s the main thing. They don’t know a scam. A lie. I’m not a lie anymore.
Locking yourself in your head and getting upset and frustrated in something you surely are just creating yourself, is a sure way to crazy. And that’s what I meant by noone knowing who I was. If you start closing doors on yourself, start hanging out in the room of your mind for long periods of time, you’re gonna feel noone knows you because you’re the only one that has access to that part of yourself. And you’re the one that MAKES the room what it is.

So stop making yourself feel alone and alien and unknown to everyone out there. You’ve got a decent amount of control over how much people know of you. Make it you, not fake you.
‘Cause in the end, you’re only going to turn into a disapointed hermit that you wish people knew better.
And the longer you stay in your mind mansion, the more difficult it is to open doors and windows to life around you.

Do We Just Accept?

Sometimes you can know exactly why you are doing what you are doing. Even if it is bad. Even if it is wrong.
And sometimes, that isn’t enough to stop you.

People are good at justifying things. Events.Choices.

Past plays a big part in all of us. We can point fingers to it, every time we do something that doesn’t add up under the ‘right thing to do’ column.
Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever break loose or free from our mind structure. The bones of our brain.
I wonder if it is better to just accept what we do and in life, find someone that understands and accepts what you are, because they accept what they are too.

The Affects of Friends/ People In Our Life

I think maybe now I understand why having a lot of friends as you get older seems.. less of what happens. For awhile now-at least the last two visits I’ve made back here to Canada, I made conscious decision and effort to get together with the people I felt most connected with and closer to. And the ones that I knew I only knew because of the bars or because it was through other people.. etc,I didn’t focus on.

I see now, that for me anyhow, I have a bettter idea of who I get along with or who I want as friends. I’ve become more selective and less ‘wasteful’ if you will.
Perhaps it is one of the reasons I never really located people in Thailand. Sure, getting out of the house and actually trying might have helped, but I believe I was half convinced there wasn’t much way that I was going to find someone and become close with.

I found Steph on a night out of walking about town. I even remember where I stopped her and her friend Kelly. I asked them something- I forget now what. They were American and I instantly knew we connected.

Just so happens Steph was only around for a few weeks before leaving Thailand. I slept over at her place a week after meeting her and we ate spring rolls on the beach and had a laughing fit on her bed. They are raritys. But I know they exist. It makes getting together with people that don’t really interest me, harder to do. Which is a good thing.The overall quality of life is better becuase of it. Which has many factors, but the people we surround ourself with, are part of that.
Maybe in our youngers years, we navigate through life with the help of people. They are like stepping stones to get to the future. And then once the future hits, we can get scared. Looking back and seeing those as stepping stones, and wondering who the stepping stones are in our life at this point and who are the rocks.
Maybe it is not fear but a recognition that should be addressed if we want a less insecure life, whether we want to or not.
To some degree to everyone, people provide a happiness. It varies but they fill a certain spot in ourselves. If we fill it with people we are just hanging around out of convienence or obligation, out of some other alterior motive, you can be sure your quality of life will be less.

For the most part, you choose who you spend your time with,
make them people you truly care about.