The Sun and I

I spent time with Sun last week. In flaming glory she relayed her weekend. My chuckles were riddled with craters of approval. If I could be as hot as her, I would do those things too!

We held a heated discussion, full of sizzling stories and depth the colour of red hot. She had to know I understood the rays of her beauty.

With not so much as a breath of effort she warmed my insides.

I respect her and her tolerance, her dry humor and the way she dances and dials.
Oh Sun, you’ve got me all hot and bothered
and I like it.

 

You called at 1220am and were slightly drunk and you slathered us in hope and told me to email you words the next few days.

This will be a ssignificant email that i write to you.

I want to include so much yet i Know there is clever and wording and detail and focus that must be carefully exécuted in order to get the best result.

 

 

 

 

What if we Could…

We all want to be ourselves. And that’s what we are best at.
Why spend our one life unhappy being someone else when being ourselves is part of our purpose. We are going to get the most out of this entire experience by learning to give our individuality something.
A chance to be what it is.

Just try it.

There are billions out there. Look at all of us online here. All the relations and understandings and recognition. If we can find it online, certainly we can find it out in the world. Because guess what, the internet is what’s out in the world,-heck it’s even in airplanes now- which means those people are too.

You’ve got nothing to lose by speaking your thoughts. Let the bold you stand through. You’ll create stronger and the most closest relationships you’ve ever had because they are loving YOU and you’ll know it because that’s the only person you’re giving them.

Do People Know You Well?

“Well, that’s just the thing,” I said to myself.

“The people I have in my life right now,  well, I’ve never had friends that knew so much about me. ”

I’ve had two best friends all my life. They still ARE my best friends.It’s different now because even though they knew me really well back then, my flaws,my faults,my weaknesses, they know me better now because I know myself better.And I ADMIT to things and I will talk about them and I think that, that is how people know you better then very well.

And the post about how the people in my life don’t really know me at all. ‘( People Post) ‘ We could all say that to some degree. We don’t have 12 people in our life all at the same calibre and depth of friendship. Each one is different and along with that comes how much each of them know.

I do not feel guilty for having people in my life that don’t know all of me. That’s just the way it’s going to be. The parts, the ways, the identity they know me as, is true. Is real. Is me. And I think that’s the main thing. They don’t know a scam. A lie. I’m not a lie anymore.
Locking yourself in your head and getting upset and frustrated in something you surely are just creating yourself, is a sure way to crazy. And that’s what I meant by noone knowing who I was. If you start closing doors on yourself, start hanging out in the room of your mind for long periods of time, you’re gonna feel noone knows you because you’re the only one that has access to that part of yourself. And you’re the one that MAKES the room what it is.

So stop making yourself feel alone and alien and unknown to everyone out there. You’ve got a decent amount of control over how much people know of you. Make it you, not fake you.
‘Cause in the end, you’re only going to turn into a disapointed hermit that you wish people knew better.
And the longer you stay in your mind mansion, the more difficult it is to open doors and windows to life around you.

Friendship of Intense Goofy

I guess people will always surprise me.
I left four years ago ending something and it was horrific. Like the largest train crash pile up and it didn’t make the news.
Except it was in my brain headlines for months. Trailing to a write up over the years and I have travelled with it,lived with it and so when I’ve entered the scene and the places where it all took place with the person it did and realize that they left the mental state and are okay and not really where I thought they would be or where we were, it is baffling.
I was expecting them to have anger in a bottle ready to shake and spray at me.
So when I sat above the city on the edge of a hundred year old buildling and the person didn’t push me off-it was kinda a nice feeling.

I have become wrapped up so easily in the kindness and beauty and overal aura of this relationship I have with this person. The reasons flood in and the desire to spend a lot of hours  together click into my heart zone.
I haven’t laughed like that for months and months. I haven’t felt so on top of the trees in a long while.

The way that people make you feel when you know they like you. When you know they want to be with you. Is dangerous. It is one of my biggest intensities. My bigget fault. I put myself into these positions a lot of the time and still continue to even when I am taken. Even when they know it.

And I will never drop what I have. Because it is too precious.
But I hold onto happy in other ways.
Someone who intrigues me and is one of the most interesting people that I have met. The mind of theirs  is like a jungle that never ends. And it changes colour. And I will always care for this person in this way because they are like a super hero that is tangible, and that understands me and is in love with my goofiness and brings it out of me.
It is something I hate to let go because of how great it makes me feel.
Lines are drawn and set and that’s what makes this all okay .

I Question My Decision

I awoke at 430am with my head launching repeated questions and thoughts of one of my lifes biggest decisons. The mind spinners that make your tummy ache alittle and your heart race a lot. The thoughts that are so powerful you dont even really have space to be angry with them for keeping you up.

Five years ago I made the decision to come to Thailand. Between now and that first decision, I also made the decision to live here. I don’t remember when it was, I don’t even know that there was a specific moment.

And so here I am laying in bed, wondering if I will regret this ten years from now.
Wondering if I will regret leaving behind all my solid friendships, taking myself out of the equations back in Canada and making one new one here. Will I wish that I would have held off? Will I tell myself that I should have let my early twenties be my drunk, silly and friendship-focused days? I feel a bit saddened and sorry, a bit lonely and worried. I feel outside of Canadian life and maybe that won’t ever really go away..

It scares me.
To think that maybe there will come a time when I will question all that I’ve done and wonder why I chose to do what I did. Maybe I will hate myself for having left people I loved, for moving away from so much laughter and happiness.
I think back to those years leading up to my departure. So much overflowing goodness in them that it forces me to question why. Maybe now that those memories are only just that, they have more of a rosey tinge than actuality. Maybe things had petered out and my friendships were dragging. Maybe it wasn’t as fun as I think it to be now. Maybe it got old.
Maybe in the end I won’t understand why, but I will just accept and believe in whatever reasoning it was back then.
I’ll probably have faith in my own self, to know that I did what was best in that time.

These thoughts continue to circle until I reach this deafening point.
I believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and if I did not meet my husband here and if i met him but did not love him enough to stay, then frankly, I couldn’t say I know a love as strong as this.

I have stayed because of love and that reason is the best conclusion I’ve ever had.