Do People Know You Well?

“Well, that’s just the thing,” I said to myself.

“The people I have in my life right now,  well, I’ve never had friends that knew so much about me. ”

I’ve had two best friends all my life. They still ARE my best friends.It’s different now because even though they knew me really well back then, my flaws,my faults,my weaknesses, they know me better now because I know myself better.And I ADMIT to things and I will talk about them and I think that, that is how people know you better then very well.

And the post about how the people in my life don’t really know me at all. ‘( People Post) ‘ We could all say that to some degree. We don’t have 12 people in our life all at the same calibre and depth of friendship. Each one is different and along with that comes how much each of them know.

I do not feel guilty for having people in my life that don’t know all of me. That’s just the way it’s going to be. The parts, the ways, the identity they know me as, is true. Is real. Is me. And I think that’s the main thing. They don’t know a scam. A lie. I’m not a lie anymore.
Locking yourself in your head and getting upset and frustrated in something you surely are just creating yourself, is a sure way to crazy. And that’s what I meant by noone knowing who I was. If you start closing doors on yourself, start hanging out in the room of your mind for long periods of time, you’re gonna feel noone knows you because you’re the only one that has access to that part of yourself. And you’re the one that MAKES the room what it is.

So stop making yourself feel alone and alien and unknown to everyone out there. You’ve got a decent amount of control over how much people know of you. Make it you, not fake you.
‘Cause in the end, you’re only going to turn into a disapointed hermit that you wish people knew better.
And the longer you stay in your mind mansion, the more difficult it is to open doors and windows to life around you.

A Reason for Cynicsm?

I got a pedicure a few days ago. In a mall.
500 baht was the going price. 15 bucks Canadian.
It wasn’t on the form they had which told of what they had to offer. But me and owner discussed it and agreed on what was to be done for that price.

Looking back now, I am upset with the way I handled it.
I’m frustrated and embarrassed.
I shouldn’t have let it happen.
You would think I would know better since I’ve been here so long.

Once the hour long foot fantabulousizing session was over, I was led to the counter to pay. She proceeds to type in a number in the calculator and shove it towards me without making eye contact.
1200 it reads.
I’m completely taken aback but I act like I’m not and say, “it was 500”.

“no because …”

I don’t even know what her reasoning was. I can’t believe I even thought it made sense at the time?

But it somehow did.
And the lady that had done my nails was standing there all sweet and innocent. She had done a good job.

And I didn’t even look at her the whole time I was in front of the counter.

I had mumbled a few words, as I was reaching for my wallet, thinking that I understood.
I even handed her a tip!!

Once home, it all started clicking into place. How wrong and backwards and messed up that was.
When I first began to get my toes done she came around and had asked if I wanted to do my hands too, and it would be 1000 baht. For both pedi and mani.

So how in the heck??
I had got the basics of nail polish, no acrylic, no chillack or whatever the heck they call it…
And she had knew I was going for the simple.
Even writing about this occurance gets me all red hot again

It’s a reminder as to the reason of my cynicism towards this country .

It also is a very good picture as to how it’s changed me.
How I’ve become such a backboneless person. I can feel it in moments like that.
And I’m embarressed because I don’t like it at all.
It will not ever grow here. I know that now.

Waiting

So many words and ideas and thoughts go screeching through my head. They go so fast that it is difficult to catch them.My mom arrives in two days. I have had my suitcase packed for five and we leave in six.
I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready. But then again I don’t know if I could be.
I tend to just collect as I go and gain enough momentum to carry me through.

There are pieces scattered about my husband and I, but I do not have the energy or the time to focus on them. I am looking to the horizon, Canada being my sunset and my break.

I am hoping that the carpet of my home land will envelope me in comfort that I can send back with me here, when I come. Comfort that allows me to lock the house up and walk down to catch a taxi. A taxi to a play place where Zeek can play and I can interact with other mothers.
I have stuck myself inside the home for weeks because the idea of leaving the house, is work.
And that may be okay for a little while, but in the end, it doesn’t do any good for anyone.
I get frustrated with my husband and feel lonely even though I won’t admit it and Zeek suffers because of it.
I am waiting for Canada to smooth us down. It is my way out and I look towards it like its the cure of all diseases. It’s hazardous a bit.. But it’s all I have the energy to do right now.

Cleaning That Brings You Up

It’s good to recognize the fall and rise of days. Waking up, knowing that today you don’t feel so well. That you don’t quite want to do as much work as you did yesterday. Reguardless of the pile of laundry or the dishes in the sink.

Some days I just would like to do nothing but type or write – to have no responsabilities.
I am certain that these thoughts and feelings will occur throughout life. That’s just the way it goes. I will try and be better at accepting that low days do come with the high days and that this is exactly part of life. I will not only accept, I will do my best to embrace. Because embracing gets you places even when whatever it is, is not something you want to wrap your arms around.
I’d rather not feel like this, and I can try and get out of it, but fighting it rarely works with me. It just gets me more riled up and frustrated. I usually end up in tears and sweating, trying to do too much at once.
It’s like the night before I gave birth. I was out raking leaves and straightening my hair. I was cleaning places in the house that I had never touched before. With a child especially, the cleaning spree you intend to go on, just doesn’t feel as good. Because half the time you have to stop mid-way. Half the time, you finish half the job.
So instead of trying to work through things around the house in a huff, I’ll save it for another day. A day where I’ll feel better about interupptions. A day when cleaning brings me up, instead of down.