And so it is, with anyone in our lives that stay awhile and go, take something- even if so minuscule. And sometimes when we love them- or even if we don’t- we can hope they took the good. And even if they took the bad, that they will somehow do good with it- if even it is only to understand it. To be better, having stayed awhile in our life.
Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.
Not currently as happy as I want to be
A lull in my life right now
I’m wanting what I had
I wish I had of been better
Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.
I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.
I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
Do you ever think back to a time period with someone and can’t remember who you really were?
A few years spent together with a person and you can’t bring your imagination to recreate how you were, how you felt.
Thoughts like these make me wonder me.
If I’m to change so drastically again- as perhaps is a continual cycle- then I and the people in my life will either have to adapt together on this or be left in the past.
Present me knows that whoever I end up choosing to spend my entire life with, has to know that the Future me could potentially forget who I was. That Present me will change.
So it is important that the Present Other knows my heart and my core – and loves THOSE parts of me. Not the ones that will change so extremely.
Making mistakes sucks. No one wants to get better at that.
It’s a consistent occurrence in our lives,it just doesn’t have to be a regular one.
It feels like starting all over again.
Another push from the ground. And I think that’s what life kind of is. Constantly doing that. To push push push. Keep on going even though you fail at some things.
Even though you make poor decisions and disappoint. Even though your feelings tell you you’re sad or angry.
You push past your past and make that a way of life.
Living and holding onto choices that were already made, whether made recently or long ago is a bad decision in itself.
Push past the bad that already happened, and make something good.
I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.
The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.
Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”
This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.
Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.
I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.
He probably half meant to and half didn’t.
Make me pick up bags of guilt when I thought of my past, and carry them around with me in my days of present.
Half meant to and half not.
I have two large tote boxes-well, the regular size used for storage- full of journals,diaries,binders, notebooks— my past writings.
Going through them the other day I pulled out recognition and familiraity.
I write of insignificant happenings in my life then, that at the time were all that I could see or think about. They were the hugest particles that I made my life about.
It clicks into place as my eyes skim over words I wrote 15 years ago.
10 years ago.
Not only did I survive those stories that are in my binders, notebooks, and journals, but I created more meaningful relationships after they were over. They DID end and I was able to carry out more in depth friendships because of the individual I had become based on those trials.
Who says past has to make one feel guilty when it can be the very thing that makes the present make sense and bearable and understandable.
our narrow tinted wings, gaining height,while deeply giving depth unknowenly. and we second guessed it but it came back, it always comes back we always come back together.
don’t curse anything, not even the heavy distance for it all is an impenatrating combination to ourselves forever. the whispered blows from winded past, and the quaking irony of our embelished in love souls, not raging. Encouraging everyday like it is our own , our last and ours to hold We’re a deadly thriller purpose all the ingrediants of a natural born cause. a regionment of self reflect, surrounding ourselves like always
even with the clouds flickering about, our shadows on top and over, someday we
me and you will unite in flight officially as rainbows pin themselves to the brightening sky
and eagles soar through couragous weather, burning brightly at our sides, we will lift our embeded beating hearts and continue along with the non existing seconds and the drops of drying tears, filled with joy and engagement, we’ll sing raise our wings and
I have a lot of reasons to be sad.
We perhaps, all do.
I have more reasons to be sad now, then I think I have had in my whole lifetime.
But thinking back to my sad times when I was 14, or 21, or even 25.
They don’t ever seem as big as the big sad things now.
With experience comes some deeper sadness within and with age comes responsible stages which-when they get messed up, seem even more like life is forever done and over with.
Which leads me to my next point.
If these big bad things in my life are the biggest they are because they are the current and most recent and in 10 years from now they will seem like they are little symbols of my still-ever growing up youth, then what’s the point of dragging them out and being stuck in them.
If they are going to be grains of sand on a beach in the end, why stay sad when being sad is the only thing keeping you from being a happy human.
Well I don’t mean for my past to dissappear. More so-angry at myself for choosing the choices I did in it. The past is just there- I can’t blame it. It doesn’t even have a choice to be alive or not. We choose that.
We all know that the Past is a person that highly influences our being with Present. There’s a relationship between the two, even if we don’t want it.
You get them in the same room and it births a person called Future.
Umbilical cord,blood, crushed hands and all.
Welcome to the World my little big Future.
We’re going to do Wonders.
I don’t recall experiencing such highs and such lows, one after the other, in all my life.
Soaring for days, for weeks even, and then plummeting in an instant. Finding self in the dark caves of insecurity with self abosrbed and self hating rocks in all the tunnels.
How the hell did I get here?
I’m stretching out my arms, with my fingertips trembling for any sort of sense.
But the thing is, it all does. It makes sense why I’m here, how I’m here and why I feel the way I do. Well, that part gets me a bit confused. I’m not really sure why I reach very low points. Other then the reason I’m going through a divorce and I’m terrified about what happens to my child in the future. Sort of a lack of control. Future does have you behind the controls to some extent and even though I still do-I can afterall, control my behaviour, my actions and try and steer my feelings accordenly- it feels that all of a sudden life has dropped the drive to go forward and I’m coasting towards a giant brick wall.
My desire to see friends wanes. I know they’ll make me happy but when I reach low, it’s hard to even want to be happy. Self Pity. Oh what a deadly thing.