It Didn’t Last

It was four days boy. Four days after our weekend together and serious decision to stop contact. ( Again. ) And it’s always you. Calling first. Texting first. I’m not complaining about this fact, it’s flattering, hopeful, and happity, and perhaps all of those..unhealthy. Sigh..

I went away for a week in that time because I wanted to be far from you and near newness so that my mind would be on other things. But that’s when you called.

I wrote the dang email but you said although it was all nice to hear, it was vague.
And I knew that. It was all things you had heard before, I was just too chicken to write the inner more detailed stuff..of stuff about you. And us. And worry about you hacking me and those divulgences up, is why I did not. You can really cut up anything I give you. That’s true. And you have a habit of breaking my words down versus accepting them and being proactive, current and honestly… adult about it.

When I think about getting more vulnerable and putting myself out there. I cringe alittle. I’m not usually so ( a lot of us are not? ) and I’ve already placed myself in so many uncomfortable and heart on sleeve positions with you- more than I have in all my relationships put together. And I can feel happy that you still miss me and I can believe you’re coming to terms with the fact that you don’t want to be without me- but it makes me ache. You find me in this place where I’m doing a decent job at being strong alone but with the desire to really make you see and believe me. I hate the heavy lovey dovey texts I send to you that presents me with six hours of uneasy stomach and wanting to be swallowed up by tree branches and wishing I didn’t press send, yet I do it again and again and again. Much less than I was, but I still shell out seashells that taste awful in my own mouth. I fold so easily for you. And it bothers me!

We talked every night I was away. Which was totally counterproductive but I wanted you to know I wasn’t out partying- that being out of town meant I wasn’t making new friends or moving on.. I was thinking of you and you knew it. And I know it made you happy.

Anyhow, now this weekend has arrived and I will save the continuational story for another post. We are surely in the crevices of absurdity and normal. We are a million in a million relationships like this, yet this one is our own and this is turning us even more into our own. Just like it’s supposed to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Either Or

It’s amazing how a person can make you so happy.
Someone you had for so long in your life.
And that happiness is amplified when you don’t have them.
But I know, if I ever do have him back, that happiness will be maintained and well nourished and be the best and the last relationship I will ever be in.

This is how I see it.
We have seen each other a few times in the past week. And they have been decently well meetups. We will either continue them, and be closer to dating-and eventually get back together.

Or else, very soon, in a few weeks or so. We will stop all contact and continue no more.
For we cannot be friends without our dating scenes. We are too accustomed to it and natural to it. It is what we are supposed to be if we are to be in contact.

One day I wish I will be able to write a post titled,
‘We’re Getting Back Together!’