If you are in my life, I am tired of you being in it partial
I was in that way with you, for a while
and it was never what I wanted.
I didn’t know how to get out.
Ever since I started learning about knowing how,
I’ve reached the surface a few dozen times
not struggling to stay a float
not being strong enough to fight through the undertows-
my habitual current.
I make progress
and want you in fully
and help me when I fall down
Maybe it’s because you are still learning about knowing how to be here at all.
Because who the fook knows how you’re still here;
but if you’re gonna be here
please don’t be partial.
I’m believing in love for the first time since I’ve ever thought more than 23 seconds about it.
Because I have to.
That doesn’t exactly sound right does it.
He says he loves me
and I believe in my love for him.
But HIS love, is going to be the dictator of what happens with us.
So after all my misunderstandings and denials and ‘ I love yous’ when I wasn’t committed, well yeah,
it makes this the ultimate love by far.
Even though I believed in others love for me before, this means the most because this is the person that knows me the most.
Others saw and loved what they were given. And it wasn’t all of me.
So all in all I’m saying that love is only at it’s truest most bestest, when you know that person knows all of you and they still want to be around you and tell you they love you. That’s the stuff you can believe in.
I’ve been in the disease of missing before.
Living away from the country and people and love that was around me, things that had become giant parts of me over the years.
Yeah, it’s easy to feel disconnect when you’re not surrounded by the familiars of you.
And then you’re in the city you grew up in and after experiencing that miss, it seems more severe, more hurtful and in a way…pathetic.
I’ve established that it is miss
but a different miss, a different longing.
And all the capabilities and potential you have around you, is what makes it stronger. You get into that whirlpool of feeling sorry for yourself and that just makes you miss ‘happy you’ even more. So now you’re not only missing what you started out missing, but the absence of feeling stable.
As powerful as homesickness can be, when you have all the tools, the language and the same culture at your hands’ existence yet only feel that one thing can fix it, you’ve kind of got it even more backwards.
I just fricken miss you and your 8 minutes away and you miss me too and I’m trying not to wait but I know I am. For you to say, ” Yeah, what are we doing. I want to be with you, I want to be with you no matter what has happened in the past. “
I know you miss me because after two days of zero contact, my phone dings at 7:08 am and it says Geeze I miss you.
My heart aches.
When I look into your eyes, a warm coating of understanding
suddenly wraps around me.
I am seeing you differently
and not because our relationship status has changed.
It drizzles down my neck, my throat.
I am looking at you, seeing different
because inside me,
I am a new person.
A new shape of a being.
I now look at you with strength and confidence
I am powerful because
I finally am conscious
of not only who I want to be or how I want to be,
but that the change has taken shape.
I am not afraid of
I know I would never do what I’ve done
I am a good, a better
I am ready to love
looking into yours,
Let’s name our child Fucker and hope that he doesn’t get made fun of.
Let’s put a red balloon in a room and hope it doesn’t touch one of the thousand spikes that line the walls.
Let’s build our house with sand and hope it never rains.
Let’s buy 3 dollar shoes from some second hand store and hope they last us through a week of hiking mountains in South America.
Let’s go to Las Vegas and hope we don’t lose 10 bucks on the strip.
Let’s hope as soon as we step in front of a camera we’ll be the next Leonardo Dicaprio.
Let’s eat all the burgers, chocolate and sour and sweet candy we can and hope we don’t gain weight.
Let’s hope we’ll get back with our ex in the next year.
I’ve got to believe it’s idiots hope, if I’m ever gonna let it go.
But how you supposed to let the hope go, if you truly believe in it?
Is that what makes it idiot hope?
It dawned on me last night,
It set into me, as my heart rose.
It went to the bottom of my soul,
while my senses were in tip top.
It all went down, I said,
” I’m up for this.”
Somewhere in the loins of last night, thoughts collided into my system and made all the lightbulbs in my 125 pound self, glow.
Warmth radiated off me that I was surprised, did not set the rugs a flame.
The ideas sourcing through my veins are ones I recognize from old self.
My confidence is being regained in surge and the specifics are coursing on all cylinders of my intellect.
I am done being treated the way I was.
I am finished with the distrust and disbelief.
I believe too much in my heart, my soul, the lightbulbs in my bones
the things that I KNOW.
I believe in better and healthier
and I will not launch back into that relationship until it is good and ready for us.
If ever it will be.
No matter how badly I want him to be in my life and my sons’
I’m laying down standards that were lost in the garble along the way
and I am sticking up for
no matter who’s down with that.
You are calling the world on all sites
Braving the best with your tinted lights
Begging you I am
for you to see,
It’s not you
it’s you and me.
You are treading water with your heavy hooves
non existent moves
Pleading you I am,
for you to do
to stop, to stay
be with me and you.
For I and you to take the stage
to write our past
out in rage
shut the door and throw that world,
down the gullet of a fire pearl.
I am waiting in action,
oh me; oh my!
I’m waiting for you
for you and I.
I know we want to see each other.
I know we miss each other. We say that almost every phone call we have. You called me yesterday after surgery. I was too afraid to text you- I knew you were with your Mom.
And you called me today after a few texts back and forth.
I want you to get through this. The surgery, and the hesitancy on us.
I mean, it’s good to be hesitant. And you probably have so many factors highjumping around in your brain. You want to be with me You want to marry me. I know this.
But the past hurtles you to a halt.
Just jump over that one, will you? Forgive me please.
And let us not continue our journey
but start a new one.
Because that’s the only way we’re going to make it.
Yesturday after you were done with your stabby’d foot, and after texting on my break, you walked into the store.
I saw you before you saw me and my heart burst a glow and my face went insta’grin.
I came up to you and we flirted words and smiled shy and it brought me immediatly back to our first weeks of dating. It was like we fell into a pool of pre history. History that was new but known and I swam in it for the rest of my shift.
YOU CHOSE TO COME SEE ME AT WORK!!
Three weeks ago I wouldn’t have dreamed you’ve ever choose to see me again.
And before we parted ways, I squeezed your arm and said, ” Cya tonight?”
I had asked earlier if you would mind if I brought over a chicken pot pie I was going to make.
” No, I wouldn’t mind.” you reply.
So there I am after work, quickly working on your dinner.
And an hour later I am at your place with pie in hand and I ask,
” Do you want me to stay?”
We stand for 30 seconds well I try and gauge you.
“Hasn’t stopped you before”
” Well yes, but I think I learned my lesson.”
You guessed it.
We sat and had a drink. We moved to the couch.
You asked if I wanted another drink.
I said, ” Just water please”
“That’s the best answer I’ve heard all night”you say happily.
We talked about everynothings.
” Do you feel different now? Like a weight or an uneasiness is gone now? With you, with us?” you question.
” Yes, I suppose. I still felt clear to myself though,before, and happy with self, but it was just suffocated under all the stuff that was loaded on top. All the assumptions and supposed occurances. So then yes, I do feel lighter.”
It was a sliver into what I feel we will talk about in greater eventuality.
A solid healthy talk that we would need before getting back together. Weeks, months.
We ate my chicken pie together and you bought a dessert for us- my favorite cookie cheesecake- ( you are a beautiful soul ) and when i called my brother for a ride in two hours, your lips went into a frown and I came to you and you said,
” I wanted you to sleep over with me.”
Overjoyment gets wrapped around my intestines and comforts my heart and brain and I hug you and then we’re kissing against the fridge and clothes are coming off and then we’re in bed and then eventually we’re wrapped around each other and our eyes are facing each other and they’re getting sleepy and we lay there getting sleepy and pretty soon we’re asleep.
I rub your back and your head in the middle of the night when I know you are having trouble sleeping.
” I feel like I’m mad at you-like you just did something wrong” you say.
You tell me thanks in the morning for the backscratch.
We have coffee together and you’re always a bit more distant than me but I know that I’m to be extra huggy so that you don’t feel even worse.
And you drive me home in your truck that I crashed a month ago.
And you drive slow and before pulling into my parents driveway, I unbuckle my seatbelt and get to your side and wrap my arms around you and kiss your cheek.. Long and slow and you sigh and reach for my hand.
Then I’m getting out and we’re saying ‘cya’ not ‘goodbye’ like we were a month ago.
We know we’ll see each other again. We’re still best friends.