We’ll all talk splatter talk and figure our art is aligned with the ninety four stars we count on Sunday nights.
We’ll all understand that hurt and trial and ache is a shit part of breathing and that it doesn’t align with anything except happiness.
We’ll all know that happiness is what makes life worth living and without happy coinsiding with levels of pain, happy wouldn’t exist and thus, sadness is a completion of a circle and without it, life would fucking suck.
At least we’ll tell ourselves that in the bad times.
And we’ll believe it even in the good.
Because that’s what life particles are about.
Making your mind believe anything.
Because it can and it will.
I have begun a reevaluation of my self and life, attempting to straighten things out and then I recognize
that it actually feels impossible.
And that I really feel I need to see a councilor.
I actually feel a bit messed up.
I am on a flimsy raft of lies, and that raft is on a sailboat of them and that sailboat is on a ship. I’ve been sinking for the past four years.And I can’t get out of the room with the captain seat.Or maybe I should be in it, just steering in a different direction. Or maybe I really should be on a different mobile altogether.
I have read all those fancy quotes and even articles and books, on living a full life and being true to oneself and being honest and love yourself and make good choices and WHAT.
I can know all this and believe it and yet nothing comes from it because well,where does one start?? Not at the beginning,surely. Of course that’s where, but WHAT is that.
I write differently to different people because everyone is different and people need to hear things differently or read them written that way instead of the other way and each way makes you pick up snatches that aren’t the same.
People make me figure stuff out about myself.
I only have my own self reflection here in Thailand so going to Canada and being exposed to mirrors that talk back is incredible. It makes me feel more like a person instead of a shell and it is scary to think that I may think of myself as a shell in Thailand and only that. But there is so much to feel in Canada. So much to give and so much to take and I have to stay sensible and realize that it is only because my time has been limited each and everytime I have went back,for the past four years. It affects these things so much so, that breaking down isn’t so much of a surprise. Because these are the life sized things. For me. These are the things that pinch my heart and stagger my thoughts and wind my ideas so that they go walking across the carpets on missions to unknown destinations.
That is me dealing.
There are always many tears when I say goodbye in Canada and I am always trying my best not to drown in them. Being conscious of it. It is good to feel that way even though it is hurting.
If I felt none of this, could I really sense the better in the good? If I had nothing to compare. Nothing extreme to relate it to, then the good wouldn’t be so good and the value would be non-existent.
So many things in the mind!
This won’t be a pretty post I say.
Just a vent experience. Rolling down hills and splashing around in muddy puddles.
In days where I just feel quite a bit alone and not really connected to much. Eating snacks and not quite so much meals and doing plenty of laundry and realizing I’m not even thinking about anything at all.
I try to email people without the expectation that they’ll write back. But it’s pretty darn difficult. Specially when it’s my own family.
And I don’t know how single moms do it without cracking like a giant earthquake.
Tough stuff inevitably happens. I guess it’s how we deal with it that really makes a difference.
And I know there are days where I feel better about being down. They aren’t often. I allow myself them because I think it’s a healthy thing. I just make sure I get out of it. Each and every time.
Maybe I’ll let myself eat a whole bag of Jelly Bellies and feel GOOD about it. Maybe i’ll clean every inch of the floor and then climb a tree and sit on the funniest looking limb. Maybe I’ll look at the clouds and imagine myself riding one.
And I’ll get there. I always do. Because I know I am apart of what makes my life good. What makes me happy is me and my strength and my ability to get over the hurdles that come my way. Hurdles I let in. Hurdles that come unexpectedly.
No matter how they come, I’m wearing my shoes of confidence and my brave face and I’ll do what it takes to get over them!
Some will be higher than others but I accept that and there will be more than one hurdle sometimes and I accept that too.
I must be strong for myself and for the others around me.
People around me, no matter if I know them or not, are affected by what I bring to the table.
And if I bring my soaked shoes and dirty face, if I bring my ripped shirt and scraped knees but am wearing a smile and smelling of happiness, I will be able to with pride say, that I have jumped over the hurdles I faced. Even if it meant falling two or three times, I picked myself up and I kept trying.
Do you ever find that somedays are extra goodly good? You wake up and there really is no specific reason that comes to your head about why today feels so gosh darh lovely. If you look a bit closer maybe you can assemble the pieces for this. You got a good sleep, you’re excited to eat bacon as usual and the sky is bright. Maybe it is breezy outside and breeze to you, always counts as adventure.
Maybe its because your baby is in good spirits and has you laughing. Maybe because you bought a pile of groceries the night before and know you picked up those special soft nantucket cookies that are sensational to eat!
So many little things that can add to the goodness feel. Sometimes we forget that just being with our significant other is what makes us happy. When we become so used to things being around us, we forget that we’d be unhappy without it. Like breath. We all take that for granted. We all forget about it. But things like the capability of playing guitar, or interacting with others in a conversation.. the way we can smell the neighbours cooking there breakfast or hear the kids riding there bicycles around.
And it really is kind of sweetly so to think about when I tell you that today, the day I write and post these words, is not one of these good days. I awoke with a cold and had a yuckified sleep with split minutes of wake throughout. Nose has ran all morning but yet,
I write of good things, because sometimes,
that is the specific that can help make today feel so gosh darn lovely.