Sitting on the floor of the dining room. Facing the back yard. Through the glass doors I see the birds at the feeder and the sun rising, peeking here and there through the brown limbs of forestry. The grass is green, the house is quiet.
But my ears are not. They swallow up soft joyful music. I shall be motivated and inspired today. I shall take on the day with great to be alive feelings. Because I have that choice.
deep down I know my happiness is coming from the fact that ex and I are still in the cuddle bug rug of datability. And I am holding onto that for all I am worth.
Since I am aware of this I am trying to sway my happiness from just that, to the will to live for simply, the happiness that I can create because of ME. I am a wonderful person.
And I have the ability myself, to sustain that joyfulness through brain choices. Habits form that way. And habiting a life of inner peace and joy has got to be more fufilling than reliance on others.
Which, has always been my way.
We’ve got to be fully happy with self, before we are able to give our complete to someone else.
I have a lot of reasons to be sad.
We perhaps, all do.
I have more reasons to be sad now, then I think I have had in my whole lifetime.
But thinking back to my sad times when I was 14, or 21, or even 25.
They don’t ever seem as big as the big sad things now.
With experience comes some deeper sadness within and with age comes responsible stages which-when they get messed up, seem even more like life is forever done and over with.
Which leads me to my next point.
If these big bad things in my life are the biggest they are because they are the current and most recent and in 10 years from now they will seem like they are little symbols of my still-ever growing up youth, then what’s the point of dragging them out and being stuck in them.
If they are going to be grains of sand on a beach in the end, why stay sad when being sad is the only thing keeping you from being a happy human.
It is today and because I wrote down everything that went on at what time a year ago, I have been going hour by hour on what has happened so far.
In 12 minutes a year ago, I will see my doctor for the first time that day. And she will check and say ‘ yeah, you could have the baby today, we can do it today’.
And all these things make my eyes go glossy because as hard as I try and believe it has been a whole 12 months, it does not run to completion in my head.
I sit here with a party hat on and the pretty pink gown I wore when I gave birth. I made the decision today that I will always wear this gown on this day.
Many mixed feelings as I watch my son roam. I am still getting over the fact we were across the world a few days ago and so I am numb and emotional all at the same time.
Many firsts in life, but there is never more than one first of anything.
And that is what makes it so gosh darn special.
I dont think its weird that people are changed or gone, but I am pulled between being happy and sad. I cannot imagine being 30, even 25 and not ever having left Sarnia, Ontario, even Canada. That is me personally but either way thats the part that makes me happy for those leaving. The other side has me sad and feeling bad for being away the remaining years that the person/people have been here. I understand that lifes paths’ are all different and inevitably people do go down ones’ different from there friends. It is a transition I feel I wanted to be here for and during so that I could take the shift of change with everyone else. Living abroad starting years back pulled me away from that gradual shift and upon reentry I find myself unable to help the desire I have for reuniting and for old good friends to be around.Reguardless of where they are at in life. It is why it is easy to go to a party of friends I haven’t seen for years and be chummy with them as if I had never left. It is why it is easy to contact people that made impact on my life and request to get together. For the friends next to me that have been in the area since the beginning… they find it harder to do that because there has been space all along for them to make the effort. And they just haven’t. It surprised me. But this is how it is. If I had lived here all my life, we all know life would be dramatically different. Who knows, I may even have met you.
Two times in a week is a record for me.
But I guess I’m somewhere within those frames of mind, that let me see a solid picture. One that I can feel for and write about.
My hands smell like the small rubber gloves I was wearing. I picked up leaves with them. Me and my Mom. At my house.
And when I go back to Canada for the holidays, I’ll be at my parents’ house.
And that’s all different because their house and my house were always the same.
I think I’ve done a lot of growing up in the past year. I think I knew it to. I didn’t try to swat it away or sprint from it.. I accepted it. I find that some people have difficulty with this and I think that’s okay because everyone is different.
I love my life and something very big is going to happen in it; if not next month, then the one after.