And the molecules of heat saturate our moods and our skin. A bold presents its invigoration, the liveliness clamps on to belief. Everything feels better here. The lows, not even as low as months ago, are opportunities to show ourselves we are capable of the rise, to enjoy the awakened scenery. Spring doesn’t hold our hand- instead sends us on our way skipping and fresh and feeling full of life.
So rejuvenating. To be with the people that will always be in the living room of my heart. The only time I don’t remember her in my life is before I began to remember. And I will never forget her.
Would I have done something differently had I known the impact of people and other external influences? Or is the undisclosed part of life, part of what has formed the indestructible endearment?
Being around people that experienced a certain space of life with me, that learned of me through untrained observation and consistent participation, is an immeasurable cognizance.
In order to live life good, goes it have to be difficult?
When you are coming from years of a bad habit, to work against it on a constant basis, that’s not easy.
And ongoing after ongoing, it just feels like life is just this. Striving to rid yourself of something you accepted.
Oh but all the things to know beyond this place. All the things to learn about myself beyond where I am now. Is that the dig dug down fuel? Is that what I believe in?
Awgust blooms it’s way onto the platform.
a different approach is taken.
i don’t dance yet,
my mind is stabilizing still.
trickles of frustration and anger
i let them.
I am not afraid of what I feel
i am shifting control to me.
and Awgust will be my platform
on which to do so.
If I broke the bubbles in the bath with a sledgehammer , I thought myself a murderer.
When I break my own heart, I feel like a loser in the gutters of East Toronto.
What is the difference between smashing up other peoples lives
instead of your own?
What makes guilt fight conscience?
What makes you live so poorly
so intentionally unpotentially?
You know there is more out there for you
then sucking bubbles down your throat trying to drown your sorrows,
as if air could do that anyways.
To hold my head
under water running,
to teach me that to strain against flow
is the watered down epitome
of self destruct.
I used to surrender to the power of the love for other people, instead of loving myself.
My relationships not lasting because I had no internal peace. Nobody was ever going to be enough in my eyes because I consistently and constantly required more then what any human could give. Internal peace. I am not good for anyone if i am not good for self . If I am my own toxic habit, I will only spill that on the jeans of my partner and no matter how many times you wash, that stain doesn’t come out.
Oh yes, I know the brittle and crucial attacks on my mind. The change and growth. The learning and the formation of new wiring in place. I have reached great depths. My health, the pull only I can give me. Combine the two, and I am no longer battling myself.
I don’t always understand what I see but reality has a quality that can blind us, thwart us or call us beautiful.And the real cool magical spice behind that is, our reality is largely based on our very own perspective. Our angle determines what shapes and sizes we see. There are positions we choose to be in and ones we don’t have control over, and what we have decided or not decided to be within us, is where our view becomes what the reality is.
When I think of reality I think of conditioned hair with the ability to choose our own shampoo. We are a product of our past, conditioned to our experiences. But it does not mean we cannot outgrow, differ or tweak what we were ‘supposed’ to believe in. We can change our type of shampoo.We are all hairdressers even if we’re bald. I’m not one nor am I, but I do understand my hair.
Our perspective on reality gets more realer the more we invest on learning the whys and the hows of individuals and situations.
We can align with the core of us, and recognize that everyone else has a core too, and by putting forth effort in having more experiences that differ, the more perspective we have.
We gloom , we glee, we get closer to a bigger reality.