Awgust blooms it’s way onto the platform. a different approach is taken. i don’t dance yet, my mind is stabilizing still. trickles of frustration and anger leak in. i let them. I am not afraid of what I feel i am shifting control to me. and Awgust will be my platform on which to do so.
If I broke the bubbles in the bath with a sledgehammer , I thought myself a murderer. When I break my own heart, I feel like a loser in the gutters of East Toronto. What is the difference between smashing up other peoples lives instead of your own? What makes guilt fight conscience?
What makes you live so poorly so intentionally unpotentially? You know there is more out there for you then sucking bubbles down your throat trying to drown your sorrows,
I used to surrender to the power of the love for other people, instead of loving myself. My relationships not lasting because I had no internal peace. Nobody was ever going to be enough in my eyes because I consistently and constantly required more then what any human could give. Internal peace. I am not good for anyone if i am not good for self . If I am my own toxic habit, I will only spill that on the jeans of my partner and no matter how many times you wash, that stain doesn’t come out.
Oh yes, I know the brittle and crucial attacks on my mind. The change and growth. The learning and the formation of new wiring in place. I have reached great depths. My health, the pull only I can give me. Combine the two, and I am no longer battling myself.
I don’t always understand what I see but reality has a quality that can blind us, thwart us or call us beautiful.And the real cool magical spice behind that is, our reality is largely based on our very own perspective. Our angle determines what shapes and sizes we see. There are positions we choose to be in and ones we don’t have control over, and what we have decided or not decided to be within us, is where our view becomes what the reality is.
When I think of reality I think of conditioned hair with the ability to choose our own shampoo. We are a product of our past, conditioned to our experiences. But it does not mean we cannot outgrow, differ or tweak what we were ‘supposed’ to believe in. We can change our type of shampoo.We are all hairdressers even if we’re bald. I’m not one nor am I, but I do understand my hair.
Our perspective on reality gets more realer the more we invest on learning the whys and the hows of individuals and situations.
We can align with the core of us, and recognize that everyone else has a core too, and by putting forth effort in having more experiences that differ, the more perspective we have.
We gloom , we glee, we get closer to a bigger reality.