Having Anyone or Anything- Is that Happy?

I’m going to sound conceited, full of myself and empty of humbleness. But these are a few facts from my thinkings.

I could be with any guy.
Any guy I’ve wanted, I’ve had. ( I consider celebrities non obtainable )
I have not had my heart broken, but I have broke many.
When you have a selection of an empire, your happiness seems more difficult to find.
Just like rich people. When you can purchase anything you’d like, the level of contentment stretches beyond what you can actually reach.
There is a statistic that notes of an annual salary above a certain amount. People that make above this number, are usually unhappy.

Which guy will make me the happiest?
I don’t discard them like scraps of metal, but it makes it easier to move on, knowing I’m able to jump on the Relation Ship again. Thing is, I’m always jumping on it with a life jacket around myself. I haven’t ever fully given myself to anyone because I’ve only wanted to feel the waves out.
And you can’t do that expecting to get to a shore of ‘for better or worse’ or ‘for forever’.

I’ve wanted to reach that shore, and believed entirely that I was capable of and willing to with each of my past partners.
But I was not.
You can’t be in a ship with water wings on, a life belt, or while clutching flippers. That’s like having one leg in the water and one leg on the boats’ platform. Like having half your heart with one person, and the other half floating on tree branches or bottles, searching to see if you’ll see anything else float by that looks better.
On the sea I’ve launched myself in, I’ll be 50 with 4 kids from three fathers,sitting on a crappy piece of styrofoam.
At the rate rich people spend and respend and change out for the newest models,they’ll be found in there luxery suite with a bottle of pills next to their dead body.

So where does the issue hide itself.

To my belief, it wraps around our lungs and our soul and coats our spirit with misunderstanding.
Nothing will make you long term happy,and I mean nothing-no new baby, no new job or cold case of beer- if you are not happy with yourself.

If you expect to find it in the layers of clothes you wear,
remember,
you’re the one that stands naked in the shower.

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?