You Don’t Have To Know What You Want

It’s okay to not know what you want.
You may be under the impression that you are supposed to know. That knowing will make your life feel like it has some sense. That you have direction and a focus, a purpose.
And since all of the above is true when we really do know what we want, I think sometimes we fake it. We choose something that is similar, something that is more obtainable to us then the real thing. We want for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes we may even begin to believe that it is what we want.

That gets scary. And weird. Your whole being is off and you may find you are more unhappy then not. Maybe it is more subtle then that and you feel uneasy or hesitant to make decisions. Maybe you stress over conversations you’ve had in the day or are uptight about how you can’t crack an egg properly for the lives of you and your house mates.

Sometimes pulling a few minutes from your closet and sitting with just that and your heart, you’ll find it’s telling you something. Sometimes it’s things we don’t want to hear. It may be difficult to admit that you’re not really chasing what you want but more the idea of it or so someone else doesn’t get it.

It is better to conclude you really are uncertain about what you want in life -or on a smaller scale, situations -then it is to push on in a direction that isn’t reflecting your heart.
It won’t work that way.
That is one of the many things experience has taught me.

If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean your life is pointless or flawed. We learn things at different times in our lives. Everyone has there own space and time and flow.

So just go with that.

Even when it surprises you.

Because believe it or not, your life is always flowing. Even when you feel stuck.

 

 

 

 

You Can Fake your Way Through Anything…But Don’t.

You can make your entire world ; your friends, family, other daily interactions.. think that you’re okay. That you’re even happy. That you’re feeling a certain way when you are not. That you ARE a certain way when you’re not.
You know how you can pretend to like a gift? And then just shove it in your closet, under your bed, regift..

If we pretend to like the gift of life, it’s not ever going to give us what we want.
The more we fake happiness-the worst being with the ones we are closest with, the better we get at it. Until we are reacting naturally like that.
But what’s the point?
To pretend we enjoy living? To pretend we’re actually as happy as our posted photos say? Come on guys, who are we kidding.
We’re never going to actually be happy that way.
Kinda just gotta be real with ourselves and maybe be more open to our sadness or downfalls and communicative of them. ‘Cause you know, the likeliness of connecting with someone over some unhappiness, is quite well…likely.Whether its with your sibling or best friend or person you just met.
And being cared by someone who REALLY knows your feels, well that’s a really good gift to give back to life. And Life don’t pretend nothing.

What Loves you Most

Walking space of edge design,
lobbing all efforts for only you to find.
Blank and colourful, all absorbed,
I’m the one with rusted sword.
Blending time with rich and pure,
daring all breath, of that I’m sure.
I sip on experience to live
well. I dare say you can too
if you give all that you can give
to life; the one who’s in love with you.

 

 

 

I Arrive Here

You do not complete me. 
I am a whole strong individual without you. If you die before me, I will still be here.

I am capable of making myself happy. I can make myself laugh, smile and cry.
I don’t need your love to feel full,
I have my own love
for me. 

And I love to dance with me.

You are not my life. I am my own.
I am beautiful standing alone. 

I do not need you in my life.

I want you.
I choose to want you.

I choose to put my time,energy and love towards you.
I am choosing to let your life be a part of mine.
I am choosing to spend my life with yours.  

I choose to love you
because now,
I am able. 

I am finally whole on my own.

6 Years Ago I Knew It Would Eventually Explode

I don’t wonder how I got to this position in my life. Strictly dealing with relationships and not the firey one I’m in the continual process of adding gasoline to.
It makes entire sense to me knowing I am here because I have chosen it. I have chosen to be here. It sucks to admit but it feels good to. I’m taking responsibility. Not to say I’m not taking responsability for the other areas of my life. I just could foresee this one panning out the way it did.

I remember thinking years ago, from time to time that eventually, it was all going to blow up in my face. And this isn’t just a little ‘ I want my sucker NOW,’ blow up- I’m talking an entire life upheaval that I knew would have me on my knees and in bed for days. I didn’t eat a thing for TWO weeks, for goodness sake.   I knew this would happen back then but I told myself I would worry about it once it happened.
Afterall I knew I couldn’t go on forever with one foot in my relationships. I couldn’t keep lying – to myself or to others-till the end of time, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I kept choosing the bad – out of pure laziness I might add- settling myself with the fact that the blow up would change things.

And it has.

I used to think this space sucked. A LOT. But no. It’s just different. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. I’ve cried a lot, drank a lot, drank not a lot,danced a lot, cooked a lot, been alone a lot, read a lot, hated myself, loved myself, learned and growed… it’s been really shitty at times but motivating myself is kind of a cool feeling.

It’s silly that I had to have the initial push forced upon me. But that’s how I work. Or should say, USED to work.
I’m taking initiative and figuring that in the future I don’t need a big crash like this to kick my butt in gear.
I don’t love this place, no..but you know what guys, I would take this place over the place I was at, anyday. 

Life before the life crash: I was in denial. I made myself believe I was happy,carefree and full of friendship. But really, I was just livable to myself. 

 

 

 

Now I can say I’m lovable to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s a fact worth living. 

 

What if we Could…

We all want to be ourselves. And that’s what we are best at.
Why spend our one life unhappy being someone else when being ourselves is part of our purpose. We are going to get the most out of this entire experience by learning to give our individuality something.
A chance to be what it is.

Just try it.

There are billions out there. Look at all of us online here. All the relations and understandings and recognition. If we can find it online, certainly we can find it out in the world. Because guess what, the internet is what’s out in the world,-heck it’s even in airplanes now- which means those people are too.

You’ve got nothing to lose by speaking your thoughts. Let the bold you stand through. You’ll create stronger and the most closest relationships you’ve ever had because they are loving YOU and you’ll know it because that’s the only person you’re giving them.

Make Happy Happyn

You take the good stuff in your life that happens, you take it and when it happens, you get really happy and excited and make sure nothing can make you feel otherwise. You  explore that land of happy, and you take happy seeds and plant them and let your beads of happy sweat fall onto the soil. Let your excitement and thrill of the happy be the rays of sun and oxygen for these seeds. Breed happy. Make Happy so happy that it desires to come back. Again
and again
and again.
It’s going to love the field you grow and every time you walk through it, let the feeling of happy permeate. Acknowledge it. Let your happy babble trickle through the leafery so that every piece in your land, naturally flutters with anticipation of producing more Happy.

Inside

There’s this distinct pallet of happymess under my skin. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still feeling the percentage of alcohol or whether it’s because I’ve got direction in my heart. It feels pretty, that’s for sure. It feels like confidence. It feels like I don’t want to let it go. 

Living a Livable Life

How do we do it?

We worry and stress less.
We recognize that struggles make us stronger
and we believe in that.

Over and over again.

We understand we are changing beings,
and we strive to be better and better
all the while
cultivating our productivity in life by
loving who we are.

We stop talking badly about others.
We start our responses on positive notes.
we watch our language, our tone,
and make listening, and I mean REALLY listening,
not eyes on phone screen listening
the only way we listen.

We respect others’ space,time, circumstances, opinions
We respect that they are here
like us
but not like us at all.

We communnicate better
until we are communicating our best.

We do everything better
until we are doing it the best

and we understand we fail
and that trying is living
and we allow ourselves to fall
and we always get back up.

We always get back up.

We stop trying to rule the world,
we want less
and want to be more.

To always strive to be more
until we are the most
then we be more of most.

 

That’s how we make living
livable.

 

bugs-bunny_positiveMed

Less and Less it Becomes

In my past I thought of the present a lot.
Or: I thought of my future with the people at that present in it and did not carefully assess what my actions would do to their future in mine.

This means I made decisions without consulting my conscience, without letting it work.
The best friends I had around me, loved me through it all.
Maybe that’s why it kept being easy to make those choices.

Until it wasn’t anymore.

Until someone stopped wanting to be with me because of my poor decisions.

I’ve had to take responsability for decisions in the past. Do the time.
But not specifically dealing with this character trait of mine. This gigantic part I have created, that is a part of me and becoming less and less of me all the time.

When I make the decisions to walk away from something I wouldn’t have in the past. To look forward and think, ‘ No, I’d like to protect myself and be this better being and in order to get that result, I need to walk away now. ‘
Continual choices that make that part of me less and less,
makes such an excellent feeling inside these bones
like I am slowly letting myself free
with guidelines I am aware of and that I desire to follow.

Funny how being free can mean following rules.
As I am letting a part of me finally go, I am shaping into something else.
And I can feel it’s breath breathing soul into me.