What the Loopin’ Fruit

I am so confused.
And it all makes sense.
Then I am confused,
because I am not.

I swear, 20 minutes after I posted The End. you CALLED.
And you were on your way OVER.
You asked if it was okay.
I am startled, dreaming, sleeping, AWAKE
I say yes.

I feel defeated but so happy to hold you. I feel lost, but so center to me.
I’m embarressed to write this post, but I’m unfolding my life.
I don’t even know what all to feel. How long do I keep this up?
When will you let go of me and I let go of you? Is it a when or an if we do?

My heart still wants you and my head is trying to be smart.
You make it easy for my heart to win and I know this because my heart isn’t trying. 

Wrenched in two directions once again, and each time I try and see something different. The pain is a bit less, the drive to be better a bit more, the ridiculousness absurdified ten fold.

 

It is so so so difficult to say no to you, to us.

 

 

 

The Battle

The silence fills the temples of my brain
so that it roars with the consistency of you.
Your echo reaches into the walls
the ones you navigate so well through
and in them, continue your empire.

Sometimes out into the butterflys of the air
I say,
” You’re dead, you died, you’re gone.”
The power of convincing is a strong weapon
and I have my heart arms around it tightly.

The windows cloud with discontent,
upset at you for making my thoughts
distinct repeats
while
my heart on the other hand
holds hands with yours
and says
” You’re alive, you live, you are here.”

A battle between two things
that are within
two feet of existence of one another,
the head and the heart.
How does one make them best friends?

 

Brain Activity

The last two weeks have been a continuous range of frustration and disappointment. My brain I feel, has been melting. Into liquid puddles that drip out of my ears.
I don’t know why it is all of a sudden. But I know it has been a long time coming.
The main line is. I feel dumb.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way after living abroad for so long. I don’t know if it will go away or if the thought and the feeling will continue to pop up until I am back in my home country .
I actually get confused as to whether it is more of a thought or a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder where my brain really is.
I don’t wonder if it would be happening in Canada because I know that it wouldn’t. My mind isn’t to turned on here. And so I guess I should be taking steps to prevent the puddles I’ve got left, from dripping out entirely. Maybe I can splash around and build stuff and make this liquid productive. Things that my husband point out in which I feel like an idiot for not seeing or noticing. No one ever tells me I’m dumb so this is all in a home in my head.
It’s got small windows so no sun stains or dust are around. It is clean because Dumb is tidy and wants to stay long. I had no qualms with him until he began pounding on the walls of the hallways. He thinks this is okay because this is what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
I will start renting out to Smart and I will let Smart be right next door to Dumb and I will see how Smart stops the dripping.
Dumb will not conquer me!