A country determines a lot. It determines my lifestyle and the clothes I wear. The food I eat and the people I speak too. It makes me feel confident about myself or it doesn’t.
A few days ago I went to a gathering of about 30 people from my highschool. I spoke to all but four of them. I hugged all but four of them.
I felt confidence streaming out of my eyelids as I made contact with each one. I haven’t seen that part of me in years. I thought I had lost that.
It was there in front of me before I even realized what was going on.
Here I was, confronting others and stepping into there circle to join the conversation and to point out the silly things in life and the fact that I was now home for two months.
That part of me hasn’t been used in awhile and it felt good to get it back.
I didn’t really know it was gone or temporarily out of order, I just have had this sense of missage. That I was lacking something.
Over in Thailand, I don’t step into circles and speak as rapidily as I do here. I don’t fall into a zone and wipe the corners down.
It is a part of me I am proud of. I like it. It is part of me that I know people enjoy. They smile at it. At my quirked movements and expressions. There is an underlying shyness to how I speak and I’ve been told it’s cute. I don’t mean for it to be there, it’s just my past laced in throughout how I converse.
It is actually a large part of how I took on the years between 18 and 21. And those years have been of the greatest. I wonder how I do it. Go without utilizing it in Thailand. How I can be as happy without it.
I guess it comes down to the man I am with and the baby I have and how those excude a different type of greatness. I interact as a husband and as a mother and I admit, that in those positions I have yet to find the confidence I boast of in my interaction with English speaking people.
I do believe, one day I will.
And I will let you know.