When you entered my life, I would never not know you existed. And now more then ever, I don’t ever want to know what that feels like.
And I think about you more often then what I think you think I do.
You’re a precious soul. And I feel proud of myself that I had someone like you in my life.
You are the coral people dive for. You are the gold people mine for.
You are one of my lifes highlights. And my feeling is, that, you will always be. I carry you in my heart wherever I go. Sorry if you get voodoo spins or bad visuals. You’re the light to my demise. And I don’t know if you’ll ever know that.
Your clock turns my times into believable spells of intuition. The way your time collapses onto my shoulder every few months doesn’t confuse me anymore. Your hands are moved by love, your seconds spew bullets of man made hope and the days you long for are the ones that would tick to the beat of my belly. But oh great one; the forever of your time can’t be connected with mine because your fear of our past is the Wall of Prevention.
i am sorry i was the one to disturb you to wake the giant. i wish it was someone else and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.
when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else. for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.
but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,
if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.
In developing this action of looking for honest,
I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.
I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.
I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually,
It was four days boy. Four days after our weekend together and serious decision to stop contact. ( Again. ) And it’s always you. Calling first. Texting first. I’m not complaining about this fact, it’s flattering, hopeful, and happity, and perhaps all of those..unhealthy. Sigh..
I went away for a week in that time because I wanted to be far from you and near newness so that my mind would be on other things. But that’s when you called.
I wrote the dang email but you said although it was all nice to hear, it was vague.
And I knew that. It was all things you had heard before, I was just too chicken to write the inner more detailed stuff..of stuff about you. And us. And worry about you hacking me and those divulgences up, is why I did not. You can really cut up anything I give you. That’s true. And you have a habit of breaking my words down versus accepting them and being proactive, current and honestly… adult about it.
When I think about getting more vulnerable and putting myself out there. I cringe alittle. I’m not usually so ( a lot of us are not? ) and I’ve already placed myself in so many uncomfortable and heart on sleeve positions with you- more than I have in all my relationships put together. And I can feel happy that you still miss me and I can believe you’re coming to terms with the fact that you don’t want to be without me- but it makes me ache. You find me in this place where I’m doing a decent job at being strong alone but with the desire to really make you see and believe me. I hate the heavy lovey dovey texts I send to you that presents me with six hours of uneasy stomach and wanting to be swallowed up by tree branches and wishing I didn’t press send, yet I do it again and again and again. Much less than I was, but I still shell out seashells that taste awful in my own mouth. I fold so easily for you. And it bothers me!
We talked every night I was away. Which was totally counterproductive but I wanted you to know I wasn’t out partying- that being out of town meant I wasn’t making new friends or moving on.. I was thinking of you and you knew it. And I know it made you happy.
Anyhow, now this weekend has arrived and I will save the continuational story for another post. We are surely in the crevices of absurdity and normal. We are a million in a million relationships like this, yet this one is our own and this is turning us even more into our own. Just like it’s supposed to.
Colour my skin with a sorcery of heights. Bring my soul to a temperature I cannot resist. Be the bite marks around my neck and the wisdom I crave to kiss. I am the tender, the sweet, the luring, the butterfly wings that bend reassuring I’ll give you my all the honey crisp too oh these things, if only you knew.