I Need to Tell Him all my Lies

Something is going to happen soon.
In dealing with ex and I.
Just like I knew it before we stopped all contact. I can feel something.
I have feels that it will be good, but I am still in an unsteady wavering place where I am grasping at anything that seems positive.

If given the chance of believability, I will spill my truth which I finally understand is my heart… like I have never ever before.

I must be up to date honest.
I must implement that into all parts of my world. My life.
Every person I come into contact with.

It has started with self.
And now I need to tell him.

 

It’s freeing just thinking about it.

 

 

 

Idiot Hope

Let’s name our child Fucker and hope that he doesn’t get made fun of.

Let’s put a red balloon in a room and hope it doesn’t touch one of the thousand spikes that line the walls.

Let’s build our house with sand and hope it never rains.

Let’s buy 3 dollar shoes from some second hand store and hope they last us through a week of hiking mountains in South America.

Let’s go to Las Vegas and hope we don’t lose 10 bucks on the strip.

Let’s hope as soon as we step in front of a camera we’ll be the next Leonardo Dicaprio.

Let’s eat all the burgers, chocolate and sour and sweet candy we can and hope we don’t gain weight.

 

 

Let’s hope we’ll get back with our ex in the next year.

I’ve got to believe it’s idiots hope, if I’m ever gonna let it go. 

But how you supposed to let the hope go, if you truly believe in it?

Is that what makes it idiot hope?

 

 

Absolutely Stuck

I’m stuck in the spot of wondering when’s the time to full fledge run for it vs healing time and allowing space and letting go of thoughts that ‘ hey, we’re still going to work out’.
I’m stuck.
I want us to work out. But my hope is drying up quickly. I’m not one to chase.
He’s the first that’s ever walked away from me.
And it’s the first I’ve chased someone,felt like this for someone,etc. etc.

I fear if I do not get myself out there soon, I will return to my depressing state of February and think my life is over.
Maybe I need some sense of that though?

Can’t very well launch while I’m still crawling
yet at the same time, if I don’t move forward, I’m going to be a dead weight in a crib of carpet.

 

Cocoon Stage

 

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5 hours after we had our tea and conversations, I was back in your house ( which was once mine ), laying next to you.
You were hungover and we laid in bed and I played with your hair and massaged your back and and and.. yeah.

The stew of confusion is now steaming and I can feel something inside my heart.
I know you are not ready for me.

We know we shouldn’t be seeing each other. But we don’t want to not.

” I was pretty good wasn’t I?” You say, referring to the week of no contact.
And here I was convincing myself that it was easy for you, that you were spending time with your family and evaporating me from your mind.
Those thoughts made it easier to be apart from you.

We love each other, want to be around each other and I’m beginning to wonder if this love is powerful enough to override the time and space we so feel we need.

We need time that we don’t want yet the saying ‘fools rush in’ is a daunting piece in both our minds. How much damage occurs if we get back together so soon. If we don’t allow ourselves to heal.

You want no contact and then you do.
It is all very simple. You are being pulled in both directions and I am just the wind that goes whatever way the source is facing. You are calling the shots and  I don’t have ( nor do I care to have ) much choice at the moment. I am okay with that. For now.
This is a depiction of your flipflop of a mind, and I need you to see that.

In the wavering of your decisions, it is more probable that the outcome is this: you will see you do not want to be a part from me, not now, not ever.

And this outcome is where the beginning of forgiveness will start.

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
C. JoyBell C.

A New Journey

I know we want to see each other.
I know we miss each other. We say that almost every phone call we have. You called me yesterday after surgery. I was too afraid to text you- I knew you were with your Mom.
And you called me today after a few texts back and forth.
I want you to get through this. The surgery, and the hesitancy on us.

I mean, it’s good to be hesitant. And you probably have so many factors highjumping around in your brain. You want to be with me You want to marry me. I know this.

But the past hurtles you to a halt.

Just jump over that one, will you? Forgive me please.
And let us not continue our journey
but start a new one.

Because that’s the only way we’re going to make it.

Experienced Sadness

I have a lot of reasons to be sad.
We perhaps, all do.
I have more reasons to be sad now, then I think I have had in my whole lifetime.

But thinking back to my sad times when I was 14, or 21, or even 25.
They don’t ever seem as big as the big sad things now.
With experience comes some deeper sadness within and with age comes responsible stages which-when they get messed up, seem even more like life is forever done and over with.

Which leads me to my next point.
If these big bad things in my life are the biggest they are because they are the current and most recent and in 10 years from now they will seem like they are little symbols of my still-ever growing up youth, then what’s the point of dragging them out and being stuck in them.
If they are going to be grains of sand on a beach in the end, why stay sad when being sad is the only thing keeping you from being a happy human.

Your Furry Wurry

Saturday night I lost my phone in my pile of clothes and it was turned off when I found it the following morning.

We had been texting Saturday night  and had exchanged a few phone calls between us so that when three am rolled around and you hadnt heard from me in over two hours, your worry ( and mind you, drunkeness ) had you calling my dad, my mom, my sister and messaging my brother on facebook, asking where I was or how I was.

You talked to both my dad and my mom and my sister in the wee hours of the morning.

That does feel pretty good.
All though I dislike how I worried you.
It’s just kinda nice that you made the effort to find out.

The next night you’re drunk and I’m not and you text me at 8pm and type ‘ I fricking love you my dear. Please take care of yourself and I will take care of me. ‘

And a few hours later you call me and we talk for nineteen minutes and you are in a joking mood and you make me laugh and you say ‘ i frickin miss you Jen’.
” I miss you too”
” I miss you more, i guarentee you that Jenny”

And you have surgery this Wednesday and you said ‘ you’re going to come over and take care of me right? You promise?”

And i gladly say yes yes yes! But more like a calm yes came out.

Ready-bloom

There’s a cradle filled with hope,
and a dirty that holds soap.
There’s a window full of moon
and a sun
in ready-bloom. 

I’ll scrub the windows clean
and I’ll take one for the team.
I’ll make the bed; for what it’s worth
I’ll do my best,
not better
nor the worst. 

Hold me up to shining light
see through me and find no fight.
Shut the blinds and search my room
find nothing but
a sun in ready-bloom.

 

 

Phone Convo Before Bed

You asked if you could call tonight.

Then asked what I had been doing before our call.
” I was in bed.”
“You weren’t sleeping?”
“No, I was looking up recipes.”

Before we hung up I mentioned how my son ate a cupcake in the bed and the bed was going to be very crummy.
You jumped on it.

” Weren’t you already in bed?”
“Yes, just on the top covers.”
“Doing what?”
” I already said I was looking up recipes!”

“Oh.”

 

It’s crazy!
You’re assuming I’m chatting to someone or talking on the phone. I know that’s how your brain is configuring that information

I hate that!

And I totally did it to myself from the past-but come on, there’s GOT TO BE a point where that is dropped and forgiven and LET GO.

DOESN’T THERE?!
How else are you or I supposed to move on in any direction in life?!?!

 

 

Swimming

And so you sit with a friend and you talk with a brother
and you talk with a friend
and you hope for the best
and you hope it’s not the end .

You wish for the devil, and you wonder for a God,
you talk with a mother
and you hope for your life
that you won’t be the other.

There are no buts, to this end of life.
Because it is always the beginning,
I’ll crawl for the current, the current of life
i’ll keep on swimming, swimming, swimming.