You’re Still Here

I think about you everyday. I miss you. I think about the what have I dones and the whys and why didn’t I and how could I and what was I thinking and in all of this, making some rational sense because sense without rational is like the national anthem without pride.
oh Life, I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.

Dizzy but Not Waiting

You stood there in my life and I wondered what you were doing besides making my heart and head go merry go round crazy.

‘You were figuring it out,’ I had supposed, and I gave you time to do so.

All the while collecting dizzy.

I took my energy and I pummeled it into exercise- I didn’t want to wait around idle. It felt good and eventually it felt less like I was waiting about and more like I was living my life. 

 

Believing in The Stuff

I’m believing in love for the first time since I’ve ever thought more than 23 seconds about it.
Because I have to.
That doesn’t exactly sound right does it.

He says he loves me
and I believe in my love for him.

But HIS love, is going to be the dictator of what happens with us.
So after all my misunderstandings and denials and ‘ I love yous’ when I wasn’t committed, well yeah,
it makes this the ultimate love by far.

Even though I believed in others love for me before, this means the most because this is the person that knows me the most.
Others saw and loved what they were given. And it wasn’t all of me.

So all in all I’m saying that love is only at it’s truest most bestest, when you know that person knows all of you and they still want to be around you and tell you they love you.  That’s the stuff you can believe in. 

 

 

Different Miss

I’ve been in the disease of missing before.
Living away from the country and people and love that was around me, things that had become giant parts of me over the years.
 Yeah, it’s easy to feel disconnect when you’re not surrounded by the familiars of you.

And then you’re in the city you grew up in and after experiencing that miss, it seems more severe, more hurtful and in a way…pathetic.

I’ve established that it is miss
but a different miss, a different longing.
And all the capabilities and potential you have around you, is what makes it stronger. You get into that whirlpool of feeling sorry for yourself and that just makes you miss ‘happy you’ even more. So now you’re not only missing what you started out missing, but the absence of feeling stable. 

As powerful as homesickness can be, when you have all the tools, the language and the same culture at your hands’ existence yet only feel that one thing can fix it, you’ve kind of got it even more backwards.

I just fricken miss you and your 8 minutes away and you miss me too and I’m trying not to wait but I know I am. For you to say, ” Yeah, what are we doing. I want to be with you, I want to be with you no matter what has happened in the past. “

I know you miss me because after two days of zero contact, my phone dings at 7:08 am and it says Geeze I miss you.

 

 

 

My heart aches.

Idiot Hope

Let’s name our child Fucker and hope that he doesn’t get made fun of.

Let’s put a red balloon in a room and hope it doesn’t touch one of the thousand spikes that line the walls.

Let’s build our house with sand and hope it never rains.

Let’s buy 3 dollar shoes from some second hand store and hope they last us through a week of hiking mountains in South America.

Let’s go to Las Vegas and hope we don’t lose 10 bucks on the strip.

Let’s hope as soon as we step in front of a camera we’ll be the next Leonardo Dicaprio.

Let’s eat all the burgers, chocolate and sour and sweet candy we can and hope we don’t gain weight.

 

 

Let’s hope we’ll get back with our ex in the next year.

I’ve got to believe it’s idiots hope, if I’m ever gonna let it go. 

But how you supposed to let the hope go, if you truly believe in it?

Is that what makes it idiot hope?

 

 

Too Much Assessment

I believe reassesment of life should be a regular thing. I also believe there is such a thing as too much of it. If there is a lot, it likely means instability, inability to commit, or driveless unmotivated desire to do anything with life. The decision to not choose. To not care.

Some may wonder why they don’t have the care. How they can see someone choosing to hold down three jobs to get the job they really want, and then see themselves as someone who doesn’t care about holding down any job at all.

You make your own life. You really do.
That’s why it’s important to figure out the things you like best in life and then use your mind,take action and make it work for you.

It’s alot easier to type it out then to do. I know that.
But acknowledgement is usually the first step towards any change in behaviour.

Some of us don’t know why we don’t care.
Maybe we used to care more and now we don’t. Maybe it is the other way around.

Life gets to me too much.
That’s where I’m coming from.

I care about the small things that I never used to. And I have bigger responsabilities as we all do as we get older. We’re supposed to do things that make us happy and as we get older, we tend to need more things for that to happen. Sad, but true. Whether it be alcohol, going to concerts,dining out, bowling, movies,games.
We need more to maintain a happiness we got much easier when we were younger.
Some of us struggle more with this fact than others.

What I’m really getting at is,

I’m reevaluating my life too much these days when I should just be living it.
To trust my own judgement with my new identity and believe and know, that that’s going to make me feel better about being my own self and holding down one job instead of three.