You Guys, a Part of my Home

Sometimes I think about you humans while I’m out. I was in Aisle 7 the other day and had the urge to just get home and write about how often I hate that I hide when I see someone I know.
I feel the comfort in my soul to know you are here. That I can come home to you and it doesn’t matter if you haven’t read all my posts to know what you can about me, but just the fact it is out there for your eyes to find.  It’s part of a success. The amount that is laid out here, it is fascinating for my heart to feel.

It makes bringing the dark and scary and wobbly personas of myself to the table (outside of WordPress), more of something I feel capable of doing.

Thanks Cyber Room. For helping to make the other rooms of my house be filled with more me.
Thank you.


Living Conditions


Everyone’s got ’em.

Houses are all going to have negatives. From leaving the door open in the dead of wintersnow to sleeping in till noon everyday- yeah, they’re going to be there. It’s not just happening at your house.
Think of all the people living inside the same walls as you. Then think of yourself.
You can go ahead and label that a relationship.

Don’t stick to the negatives. And instead, comment on the positives.

Respect and understand that the peoples have different ways to wash carrots or pull in the driveway. That people will forget that you’re sleeping or that you worked late last night or that you were going to have a shower and expected it to be HOT water instead of luke warm.

Figure out your priorities. What you can deal with- and not just deal but be fine and well and eventually, not care about type of dealings. Choose your battles.

I really don’t know what to do about the continual  occurances you so detest. So I will completely avoid that section altogether. 😀

As for the ones that are every now and then that rev up your anger levels a few notches, my basic adjustment is that of using your voice; yep, that there noise that occasionally comes out from between your loopy lips- and expressing it directly .

Make sure the problem is KNOWN.
Half the time we’re making this inner turmoil launch simply because we have yet to tell them that we HATE when they leave their toothbrush TOUCHING ours.
How can you expect them to stop if they do not know there actions are making anyone upset.

There will be times they slip up and truely forget. You have to let that slide and trust that they want a better living condition just like you- which means they want everyone around them to be happy.

Voice the positives of people and there doings and not the negatives. We’re all children somewhere deep within. We like being told that what we’re doing is good. We’ll do more of it. I don’t want to hear that I didn’t clean the toilets last week or that I left my laundry in the clothes basket too long. That just breeds negativity.

We are more determined to do well with positive feedback.
We become more approachable, productive and willing to make a home out of a four walled existence.

We feel like we’re worth something if we can make positive impact- even if it only  means someone told us it was nice we put the toilet seat down today.



I just Knew it

The thing was,
I had a feeling. A deep pit of a feeling that you were going to contact me. I even turned my phone up and put it under my pillow so I’d hear it. I guess I just felt that enough time had went by since I dropped off the last chicken dish I made for you.
Two hours into my Snoozeland, I hear a beep boop beep.
My eyes still close, I smile. Knowing it’s you. Gotta be you.


” So no yummy dinner today? What’d I do wrong?” you joke.
14 minutes of back and forth responses and sends.

In turn has me this morning at 9 am, driving over bacon and eggs.The porch I used to sit out and have coffee with you on last summer is where I have been placing all the dropped off dishes. And so it is this place again, where I leave the steaming breakfast.
Just for you darlin’, just for you.

I just knew it.

It’s Already Better

So that’s the scoop.
My mom left the house yesterday morning. Moving truck and all. Her room is now empty and the house feels much better.

I feel happier. I have my son back.
It is a good feeling, with small pocketfuls of clouds.

Rearranged a lot of the house today. I don’t feel bad about it.

It looks and feels better.

This is okay, this is going to be okay.

Mommy Truth

I don’t know if some Moms’ would ever admit to it. or think it.
but i have.

somedays i wish i wasn’t a mom. for those 24 hours i sometimes wish i could only think about myself. i only needed to think about what i wanted to do. somedays i wish that that is only who i had to focus on.

i know i’m a good mother. i really am, but i do have those moments where i fall apart and i yell. or i move fast. and it scares him.


noone is ready to give up the entire span of there life hours .

for anyone.

until it happens.

you will never be ready to have kids, as ready as you feel you can be. you will never reach that point and having that point be exactly what you felt was going to happen.

you will fall apart and days will seem poorly sewn together. you will want to fall asleep and never wake up. you will want to sleep for days and never have to feed poop guts it would seem, into your childs mouth.

i understand that noone is a perfect parent and there is no way i claim to be one.

but i am realistic to myself. when it comes to wanting more children or realising that parenthood sure has a lot of joys but, doesn’t always add up in a moment.

i realised today that where i am and who i am with is apart of that.

i realise now more than ever, what i want .

i want to be more free, not just with myself, but do more things with my partner.

my partner comes home every day and sits in front of the tv. every single day. it’s what he did when we were dating. its the movie he sits in front of. and i am active. i like to be out doing things. and so when this is just adding to the spread of differences, it sucks.

i have noone .

i just want out. a lot of the times i do. and i find creative spices in other areas. i chat online to people i have never met. i send songs and photos and write emails that make me feel special. that make me feel not worthy, but just.. someone that someone




and child wakes.


Mommy in a hood.


Thoughts on Leaving

I probably have at least another year in this country. So I’m attempting to get all the Thai food in that I can. I have already half stepped out and am focusing on life things in my home here,but the food aspect is something I care to indulge in.

I think of the changes I will undergo and I know I can not prepare for it all.

There are things I recognise. Like the buildings plastered with the advertising signs, how relaxed my eyes will be once on Canadian soil. I feel that difference every visit I take back.

I don’t think I will do another visit. It took too much out of me the last time. And since moving back is close and extra money will be good to have, I think the idea isn’t such a bad one to stay.

I am only keeping in contact with one person on a regular basis. And it is someone I have never met in person. I guess it makes more sense to me now why I am not putting my time towards friends that wait for me to email them and question why they haven’t heard from me. I tell them that they to,have fingers and brain and computer, to type to me. I have lost the desire to keep in touch with many because of this.

My focus should be more here and my involvement should grow here too.

When I think of leaving within twelve months, it doesn’t scare me or make me refrain from attaching myself to a club or people I meet at a play place. I have so much to look forward too. My own country is enough to satisfy and cover over every person I will meet and never see again here.

I am okay with it.


So many words and ideas and thoughts go screeching through my head. They go so fast that it is difficult to catch them.My mom arrives in two days. I have had my suitcase packed for five and we leave in six.
I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready. But then again I don’t know if I could be.
I tend to just collect as I go and gain enough momentum to carry me through.

There are pieces scattered about my husband and I, but I do not have the energy or the time to focus on them. I am looking to the horizon, Canada being my sunset and my break.

I am hoping that the carpet of my home land will envelope me in comfort that I can send back with me here, when I come. Comfort that allows me to lock the house up and walk down to catch a taxi. A taxi to a play place where Zeek can play and I can interact with other mothers.
I have stuck myself inside the home for weeks because the idea of leaving the house, is work.
And that may be okay for a little while, but in the end, it doesn’t do any good for anyone.
I get frustrated with my husband and feel lonely even though I won’t admit it and Zeek suffers because of it.
I am waiting for Canada to smooth us down. It is my way out and I look towards it like its the cure of all diseases. It’s hazardous a bit.. But it’s all I have the energy to do right now.

Brain Activity

The last two weeks have been a continuous range of frustration and disappointment. My brain I feel, has been melting. Into liquid puddles that drip out of my ears.
I don’t know why it is all of a sudden. But I know it has been a long time coming.
The main line is. I feel dumb.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way after living abroad for so long. I don’t know if it will go away or if the thought and the feeling will continue to pop up until I am back in my home country .
I actually get confused as to whether it is more of a thought or a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder where my brain really is.
I don’t wonder if it would be happening in Canada because I know that it wouldn’t. My mind isn’t to turned on here. And so I guess I should be taking steps to prevent the puddles I’ve got left, from dripping out entirely. Maybe I can splash around and build stuff and make this liquid productive. Things that my husband point out in which I feel like an idiot for not seeing or noticing. No one ever tells me I’m dumb so this is all in a home in my head.
It’s got small windows so no sun stains or dust are around. It is clean because Dumb is tidy and wants to stay long. I had no qualms with him until he began pounding on the walls of the hallways. He thinks this is okay because this is what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
I will start renting out to Smart and I will let Smart be right next door to Dumb and I will see how Smart stops the dripping.
Dumb will not conquer me!

A Change In Me

I’ve never liked doing chores. I suppose that’s the way it is with a lot of people. Even in my late teens and early twenties…Mom did the work. I was spoiled and it is probably why I don’t know how to iron shirts properly or clean toilets well. It is probably why flowers I recieve, die in a few days and my cooking skills are at zero.

Having a child kind of changes all that. I don’t feel that it HAS to change. I’ve heard some pretty hairy stories of woman having babies but who do not keep the house clean or safe.
Some mothers like to keep there place cleaner than others. Thats understandable.

But I’m talking about me here.

It wasn’t in my self to stand for 45 minutes finishing up dishes after dinner or vacumning at least once every week or doing laundry every other day. I don’t know where the guster comes from. When all I really want to do is sit in front of this computer box and tap away.
I know I’m pretty selfish. And so thats why this surprises me.

I’m handling this motherhood thing better than I thot i would. And i don’t even know for sure how i thought i would. I just feel different and better and greater of a person.

I guess I’ve embraced it.
I’ve discovered that I like clean things-specially when they are my own. My house, my clothes, my yard.

I didn’t know a baby would do this.
Did you?