I’ll Get to Here in a Rhyme

I’ll shark my way into the system of casual beaded motion.

I’ll take the drops from the bottom of the Atlantic ocean

and
I will make fish swallow the universe.

 

I’ll clip my choices on the everlong bend of wire.

I’ll take a match and light the whole fucking thing on fire

and
I will make the clouds blow into the sea.

I’ll soul my self with a thumbtack of sewing.

I’ll take a boat and I’ll do all the rowing,

and
I will land on ground that feels like a steady world of strength and power.

 

 

 

Why We Write

Many reasons why we write.

Maybe mostly we write when we are sad. When we are bored. When we have experienced happiness. When we desire validation. Each like or comment or follow flickers our insides in some way or another. And it’s a positive. Certainly that is a type of way we do life too. We want people to like what we say and even when we do nice things, it’ll be okay if someone notices and says, “Hey, Good job”. That’s humanity.

We all have our struggles.

Some of you are going through university doing your best .Some of you are hurting in your relationship. Family disputes, bosses, fellow employees. There is usually always something we have going on in our life that’s a negative.
And sometimes we write about it.
The way I see it, negatives mean something to us or else we wouldn’t care or feel about it. Things are easy to shrug off when there are no attachments, no values, no feel for it.

We can’t really turn that off. We can possibly redirect it. But even then, we’re still going to feel bad about what makes us feel bad. Because that’s our core. That’s who we are.

Some of us are trying to figure out life. Like me.
About who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes we go through huge cliff jumping changes and we get disorientated and lost and we just want to love and be free from all our faults and poor choices of our past.
And we can understand that it is not a fast overnight change. That it will take months, if not years to fully re-position ourselves.

And sometimes that isn’t fast enough. We want to jump to that part so speaking becomes easier and better and jumping through hoops and not just screwing up,but screwing up the SAME screw up- isn’t part of your life. Because you just feel tangled. You feel foreign to life simply because you are who you want to be now, but who you were smudges the edges and brings the image of you and the idea of you, into an oddly disfigured creature. Is THAT who I am?

I’m still chained to my past. Habits break out and I hate them. I don’t want them but they happen. Addictions that I never thought were, still make there appearance even now. After how much I’ve been wanting and willing and HAVE, changed. They still exist. And it completely bops me off my rocker.

How the fook are they still there when I want nothing to do with them?
I feel better.

Hmm, maybe we all just write because it feels better.

Accepting and Dealing with Feelings

If we are conscious of feelings, we are better able to accept and deal with them. We must accept that we are going to disappoint ourselves a hundred and six times more, accept the love we feel. All feelings, are teachers that you and I can continually learn from. No matter how many times we feel angry when child draws on the legs of the table or when an appliance breaks for the 4th time. When we feel frustrated or hopeless, we are given an opportunity.
An opportunity to deal better than the last time, to make the outcome more positive.

And how we deal with what we feel, whether it’s after we’ve felt it or as we are,

is how our Life is represented.

The better we get at guiding our dealings into a positive stream, the more happier we are with the Life we are CHOOSING to live.

Those People

People that analyze the most.
The ones that are in tune with how they feel and know how people come to the point they are at. No matter what it is that they feel.
Those people, I wonder about.

There are people that are going to be more aware than others,
and if we’re aware of the level of awareness circulating through the people we meet,
chances are,
we are those people
that I wonder about.

I Stayed Quiet

We all need to write about ourselves. To use the words ‘I’ and ‘me’.
More importantly, to speak about us.
If we don’t ever say or write about ourselves, we will get in a rather tangled place.It may take years for us to notice. But it will happen.
Living abroad for the past five years has added so many eggs to the mixture. And get this, they’ve had the shell on.
Living two lives is easy when they are on either side of the world.
I would have rathered one. But I got a taste of both. And I’ve been mixing them since I was 17. I didn’t mean too. It just happened.
I spoke to friends in Canada very little about my life here in Thailand. They didn’t ask much so I didn’t tell. I’m like that.
The very few Thai friends I have, well, it’s just useless to try and explain any kind of passion or love I have for my own country and the miss that comes with it.
Over the years I have got more quiet. It’s easier that way.
But it’s done some serious damage. Now I’m in this spot and I’m like, ‘Who the hex knows me?’. Noone does.
Maybe I’ve written about myself here and there, but over time I have slid in more deeper and became more afraid with revealing the actual me to the people in my life. It got easier to hide away and when people don’t ask any questions.. well.. it’s current that I don’t even mean to be in.

I stayed quiet, let time unravel, and now the string of it is wound up tight all around me.
Writing about me helps, but it’s action that’s going to change anything.
Oh the things that living abroad does.

The Day I Saw the World

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photo cred:samefeetdifferentpaths.com

I sat there for an hour and one half and I just watched people drive by and some dogs go by and people running and people going thru drive thru and the average was about five minutes through and I was always usually pretty shy of adults and now even though they are still adult to me, they are less old. I am closer to there age and they are closer to mine and men that have white hair are actually people that like young and funny and are okay with being with someone that is half their age because of it.
Thailand told me this.
Thailand told me that 65 year old big gutted men still want sex. It told me that 80 year olds will pay to have 20 year olds escort them around and it told me that even those men can fall in love and believe in every good darn minute of it.
Call me naive or sheltered or what you will, but I didn’t know any of that existed. Men are still attracted to woman at an age I thought was only meant for sitting on benches sipping newspapers and reading coffee.

And so as I sat there I thought about their lives outside of Tim Hortons’ parking lot. What they would be going home to and whether or not they were happy. I thought about being in their life and how I would change to have them like me and how I would find that easy to do. I thought about how I could be paid well in Thailand, to be that girl that is with the older men and how eventually I won’t have the looks or the body to be desired and how eventually this time in my life will be something I long for. Rather than scare me, it made me more determined not to eat another cookie, to keep my hair long before it becomes a pain and to keep my alertness in life on top of all things.

My conversation and cues and what others say or do are all things I am aware of and I often wonder where it comes from. The things which impact me and things I notice, are things that the next person does not. And the things I am slow at deciding or quick at forgetting, are things that the next person does the opposite of.It all comes from somewhere and I often wonder where and sitting on the lawn yesterday while the sun shined its way into all the living things, I figured out where.

It is not a very surprising place. It is not unusual or hard to understand.
It is simple because that is the way we are capable of making anything.
And if we are capable of making things simple, we are also capable of complicating them. Which is why it has taken so long for me to conclude that living is where it comes from.

Living is Time and Time has the ability to fill up with anything. It fills up with presents that eventually turn into pasts’ and pasts’ are memories that make up people whether they are remembered or not. That is where the things that impact me the way they do, come from. That is where the things that make you laugh or make you cry come from. And they won’t all be different from mine or the same and you can bet that living isn’t all where it comes from.
Parents of you and I have genetics and we are given them too and they are really the root of it and we are just the branches, swaying or not swaying, being leafy or unleafy.

I don’t see everything but yesterday for a few hours, that is how I saw the world.