You Can Do It To

There is a lot of things we are able to pull aside into our minds and contemplate. To just sit in a room with the thoughts and think and think and think about .
I’ve went through phases where I’d stop and write a physical note down about my specific thought and come back at the end of the day to a page of ridiculous uncorrelated thoughts..and make something really grand with them all.
Those thoughts can be actual occurances. They stem from some truth. And I pride myself on making everyday occurances colourful and beautiful. They are usually simple too. I like to be fun in my head. To laugh at the small things and feel myself getting lighter and looser just because of it . If I am able to create wondrousity from simplicity without overturning the reality, I think that’s rad. If I am able to do all that and skew reality a bit and KNOW that I am, I think that’s radical too. I don’t want to create heavy out of what I can make light of. What’s the use of baggage when we’ve got aerosol cans.

 

 

 

Self-Making

You make me feel so broken,
so damaged, defeated and hurt.

You make me feel that I am noone that matters
that me living makes no sense
that I am nothing but empty.

 

 

I don’t need that. 

 

You make me feel so amazing,
so loved, beautiful, and incredible.

You make me feel that I matter on this earth
that I am valued,
worth everything.
That I am needed.

 

 

 

 

But I don’t need that.

 

 

 

I don’t need it because

 
I am my own power,
my own truth.
I believe in me to do better than I have ever done.
I can be appreciated, loved and trusted
without being chastised for my past.

I can be those things
and not just feel those things.

I can be the factory that I am
and I can make all of those things

 

 

myself. 

 

 

I am Here!!

Friends,
I am standing on a solid
I didn’t have mere months ago.
I was swallowing the booze everyday
and wanted little to do with life
and now
I am here.

Friends,
I am feeling sure of many things
I felt no such thing 5 weeks ago.
I was wishing death was easier
and was angry because I couldn’t do it
and now
I am here.

I am here where I watch the flower fluffs float in the sun down by the creek.
Everything seems to have a beauty.
There is a peace I’ve found just in pushing forward.
I wasn’t expecting this.

But this must be why I kept going.

I believe in me and my ability to love the changes I’m undertaking. I don’t know exactly where this came from. To let go of all the mistakes I’ve made and to release myself of guilt. To know that I don’t need to carry it around. I actually don’t. And if anyone in my past wants to hold things against me, to not even give me a chance to shine in spite of my bad choices, then I do not need them in my life.
I will live better without them.

I am here
and the love for MY life is greater because of it. 

 

 

Up and Down; No Toleration

It dawned on me last night,
at dusk. 

It set into me, as my heart rose.
It went to the bottom of my soul,
while my senses were in tip top.

It all went down, I said,
” I’m up for this.”
-Me

Somewhere in the loins of last night, thoughts collided into my system and made all the lightbulbs in my 125 pound self, glow.

Warmth radiated off me that I was surprised, did not set the rugs a flame.

The ideas sourcing through my veins are ones I recognize from old self.
My confidence is being regained in surge and the specifics are coursing on all cylinders of my intellect.

I am done being treated the way I was.
I am finished with the distrust and disbelief.

I believe too much in my heart, my soul, the lightbulbs in my bones
the things that I KNOW.
I believe in better and healthier
and I will not launch back into that relationship until it is good and ready for us.

If ever it will be.

No matter how badly I want him to be in my life and my sons’
I’m laying down standards that were lost in the garble along the way
and I am sticking up for
me

no matter who’s down with that.