To Stop Flirting, Is Friggin’ Tough

Up until I was 15 I was reserved, painfully shy, uncomfortable and insecure.

16 years of age popped more boobage onto me,a boyfriend into me, and this desire to actually make myself look good.
I stopped putting my school clothes on the night before and started straightening my hair and paid attention to what clothes made me look better.

It’s not all about physical attraction but sometimes, it is.
Looking good was really the only way I felt good. Feeling good brought my confidence meter up 6000 notches and in turn,
” Hello boys”.

For all of it’s existence, I didn’t call it flirting. ” It’s just the way I am!” ( Oh, please, I’d slash that idea down with an axe if it wasn’t already buried under a hill somewhere up north. )
Anyways, my behavior with males came naturally and it was perfected in a way I didn’t question or even really understand.

Basically what I’m trying to get at is that I flirted my way through life. It meant many overlapping relationships and a dependency that went beyond relying. It was a way of life.

Now I’m 28 and starting a brand new way. I’m attempting to drop a habit I didn’t realize I had.

Okay. So here’s the thing. When you go that long interacting in only one type of way towards males, it’s pretty friggin difficult to establish another way that doesn’t involve the combo of great social skills and the desire to be liked.

I mean, come ON.

I daily feel I’m being rude to men. It’s like knowing what to say to make them feel better or good about themselves, but trying not to want to anymore.
It’s like avoiding any eye contact, replying with bluntness wrapped in disinterest. It’s shutting down potential conversations before they begin.  It’s like learning how to communicate all over again when you know you know how to communicate just fine. It’s like the perfect opportunity to show off something you were proud of, but shutting that door over and over again.

And yeah, it does make me feel uncomfortable. I’m awkward at it. I’m nervous with it.
It’s fresh and tiring. I feel like a slightly empowered amature.  It brings me to a different level with myself and my world and my fancy smanzy heart tells me it’s the way to go, no matter how short worded I’m being with someone that is just begging for more interaction.

 
And I’ll take interaction with my heart over some freakishly good looking man asking for my phone number any day.

 

 

 

 

Topics of Conversation and People

There are certain people to talk to about certain things.
Almost anyone can get an earful of venting at times,  yet it’s nice to decipher which topic in general, your audience is most suited for.

The kid one is easy. If they don’t have children, don’t gab on about the rate at which yours is growing, that he or she had six bananas on Tuesday and got their hair styled into a mohawk on Friday. If it’s relatable to a discussion you are already in, a quick mention will do.

Pets. As much as half the world can seem like they are animal lovers, half the world only means there’s another half. Fur, tricks and whiskers are not for everyone.

People like to relate to whatever comes out of your mouth. If you’re speaking of your international travels when they have merely gone to the big shopping mall 4 hours away, chances are it’s a short circuit of a conversation.

Find someone in your life that really loves fashion, so when you have an outfit predicament, you’re going to them and not the one who wears scrubs for a living AND outside of living.
If you need to get marital issues off your chest, ( obviously a marriage counsellor is an option )  find the friend that has went through similar problems and can benefit from talking to YOU about such things.

You’ll find the bonds between new people you meet will manifest easily and quickly and that existing relationships will be strengthened ten fold.

 

Timidosity


I want to launch. 
Not into any topic in particular, but because that is a familiar feel with you. 
I won’t sweetener things. I won’t wear a coat and call it Sugar. 
 
Since interaction between you and I began, I was interested in your oceans. 
And I really feel that I won’t stop having the desire to swim them. 
 
Are we dangerous? 
 
I walk on pebbles of fear
and I am not wearing any slippers.

 
 

Those People

People that analyze the most.
The ones that are in tune with how they feel and know how people come to the point they are at. No matter what it is that they feel.
Those people, I wonder about.

There are people that are going to be more aware than others,
and if we’re aware of the level of awareness circulating through the people we meet,
chances are,
we are those people
that I wonder about.

Feelings that Took Five Years

It took five years for me to cry over American or Canadian English,to flip out when I find Honey Nut Cheerios in a grocery store. It took five years for me to cry sitting on a mall floor, at the sight of shoes I know people in Canada would wear.
The intensity of longing and desire, of yearning and of miss, derives from the length of time they have been felt.
I laugh at this. I embrace it. I am in love with it.
It is a part of me now. I will not always miss this.More importantly I will not always miss like this.
So even though this breaks me, even though this aches, even though I crave English interaction so much I talk to myself almost every day at lunch,
it is beautiful.
It stuns me.
The simplicity of it all.

More than half of my friends, will never feel like this. More than half, have not lived abroad, let alone for five years.
I accept that it will forever make me different. That those friends I had, will not understand.
I accept that now, maybe my selection of future friends will have to have had simliar experiences to this, thus slimming the amount of friends I find and connect with.
I will take a hold of this and run with it.
For to deny change at such a level, is a hopeless solution.
I will only be weak because of it. And if I am weak, how will my future friends confide in me or find solace? How good of a friend will I really be?

Making Happy

People make me happy. So I do spend time around the one’s I connect with the most.
I know what gets me to happy so I make sure I don’t lose sight of that.
Sometimes my surroundings only provide me with what I need. And that makes me able to go find what I want. Happiness I believe, is a need. But there are many places to get it from. And sometimes the place I want to find happy in, is not directly related to my surroundings. In finding it, I am creating it. In the areas of creativity and interaction. In expression, in questions and mutual understanding.
People are darling creatures but sometimes you only want certain ones to experience you, and sometimes you only want to experience certain ones.
Time is valuable. And we have a lot to learn.

I hope that we all strive to make our days happy. Because after all, that’s the timeline of you that people have to go by. Now, and when you are gone.
But what good of a line, if you were never happy making it?

People Will Be This Way-Learn to Deal

We have to make sure we are not holding onto negative balloons or walking a negative tight rope. We have to make sure we are not baking negative cookies or bread or concocting negative smoothies that bubble when you sip them.
A lot in life, has to do not only with your awareness, but how you deal.

We live in the same space as thousands of others. We will cross over the same streets and drive over the same bridges. We will see people we will only see once. We will see people that we will marry, we will see happy and sad, stress and glee.
Everyone’s got their own separate story.
And you aren’t going to know about it, just that it exists.

People are going to cut in front of you, they are going to be moody when handing you your drink, they are going to laugh when you trip and not always smile even when you do.
Sometimes grandparents may have just passed, or dogs may have been hit, maybe nothing at all has really happened in their life to make them the miserable they appear to be. Since you are not going to know, you have to treat them as if something has.
It’s not easy.
But it does get easier.

Sometimes you will be in that funk of negative and you will need smiles and generosity to bring you out.
So remember that when someone doesn’t hold the door open for you or slams your change into your hands. Remember that when someone bumps into you and doesn’t apologize or when someone you work with is rude to you.
It will happen.
Just know how to deal with it.

A Part of Me Found

A country determines a lot. It determines my lifestyle and the clothes I wear. The food I eat and the people I speak too. It makes me feel confident about myself or it doesn’t.

A few days ago I went to a gathering of about 30 people from my highschool. I spoke to all but four of them. I hugged all but four of them.
I felt confidence streaming out of my eyelids as I made contact with each one. I haven’t seen that part of me in years. I thought I had lost that.
It was there in front of me before I even realized what was going on.
Here I was, confronting others and stepping into there circle to join the conversation and to point out the silly things in life and the fact that I was now home for two months.
That part of me hasn’t been used in awhile and it felt good to get it back.
I didn’t really know it was gone or temporarily out of order, I just have had this sense of missage. That I was lacking something.
Over in Thailand, I don’t step into circles and speak as rapidily as I do here. I don’t fall into a zone and wipe the corners down.
It is a part of me I am proud of. I like it. It is part of me that I know people enjoy. They smile at it. At my quirked movements and expressions. There is an underlying shyness to how I speak and I’ve been told it’s cute. I don’t mean for it to be there, it’s just my past laced in throughout how I converse.
It is actually a large part of how I took on the years between 18 and 21. And those years have been of the greatest. I wonder how I do it. Go without utilizing it in Thailand. How I can be as happy without it.

I guess it comes down to the man I am with and the baby I have and how those excude a different type of greatness. I interact as a husband and as a mother and I admit, that in those positions I have yet to find the confidence I boast of in my interaction with English speaking people.
I do believe, one day I will.
And I will let you know.