I want my life a certain way. I can’t just WAIT for that to happen to me. That was my childhood. That is what is not going to happen now. I have to make the changes myself. Why is it so difficult???
I took myself away from myself.
I sacrificed the best parts of me, so that I could live loosely, irresponsibly and carelessly and make myself believe that was the only way I could be happy.
I knew I was lying to myself all those years. And I didn’t pull any of the better parts of me out , to change what I was.
I let myself get bigger, cry over the things I refused to handle, and stepped far in to the inability to deal with issues properly.
I knew all the right steps. I knew what I had to do, but I was too dependent on the darker side. By letting it consume me, I could feel less, be further away and disconnected from my tough choices.
I got too good at being so bad.
All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.
I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.
I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.
In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.
You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.
You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.
You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except
you can change little particles of it.
but you don’t want to.
Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.
Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable.
It all makes sense.
How does one mess up so bad?
Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.
And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?
Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.
This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?
I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.
Why haven’t I?
Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?
I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.
How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.
Where is MY heart?
What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.
I got a rush of excitement when I thought of the confidence that will be building. That I know I will have at the end of this. Believing is not just a step, it must be the spring in the steps I take.
Sometimes there are specific steps to getting to where you want to go. But I think we lose sight of the ones that should be consistent. Marriage is a good example. You don’t just take steps to get to a good marriage. You walk in it with the desire that all steps are FOR the marriage, that all are to better it.
In my process of becoming a better person, I realize that a lot of the steps I must begin to take, are ones that I must keep taking.
Dieting gets you down to a goal weight but to maintain that weight, you must make that diet a lifestyle.
So here’s to making the steps I take, steps that make my Life.
Do you ever wonder why the people that are in your life, are there?
Sometimes it is just because we see them everyday. We work with them, we go to school with them, we ride the same bus as them.
But why do we make relations with the one that we do?
What at home, drives us to seek and attatch ourselves to those people?
Are we lacking attention from our boyfriend? Are we going through a rough time that makes us vulnerable? Do we just need someone to listen to us for a week?
Are we using them to fill a void of ours?
Why are we in THEIR life?
What do we fufill.
If we didn’t have this issue in our life, would we continue to talk to them?
Are we selfish in our desire to keep them around because they make us feel good?
Are the levels of both sides, being met? Or does someone want more.
Would it really be greater if all this were known?