9 Years Old

Nine years ago today, I created this blog.
It would only be two months after, I found out I was pregnant.
So This blog Is like my child’s age.
nurtered, fought with and discouraged And encouraged and inspired and up and down and I can’t imagine ever letting go of this blog just like I can’t with my son.

What a journey.

Life Pondermints

Lately I’ve been thinking about my purpose in life. And also the idea– If I am not living for myself, for who I am, who am I living for? And why.

I think we get into crunches sometimes. And we’re like, ‘ what the heck, how did I get here??’. And it’s kind of a feary feeling.Because if THAT can happen, if we can get somewhere without knowing, who’s to say at which point we’ll end up at the dead point-without knowing?
Oh wait… that scenerio DOES exist.

It’s not to say we can’t end up in GREAT places, wondering how we got there.
But whether the places are of bad quality or of good, if we think hard enough, we’ll likely determine ‘how we got there. Life is pretty tell tale- it’s not all baloney and disjointed burgers of mayhem. But it does have it’s loops of crazy and surprise and mystery.
So if we DON’T figure out how we got to where we are, that’s okay.
Sometimes it’s best if we DON’T know.
But we might never know if we’re supposed to know. Chances are, if we don’t, then we aren’t.

So when I look back to figure out how I got here-well I’m supposed to know. Because I do know. It’s just kind of a weird feeling when I realize being here with a pondering of my purpose for the first time in my life,means that I never pursued potential in it before. It’s just been full of runny eggs,melted yogurt and floating dust particles.

In the past three months I have learned more about myself than I have in three years. That’s a lot of learning.
You would think that with all this new stuffs I’ve got in my pockets, I’d be hop, skip and jump-a-crumpin’ around the earth. ( Okay, so by earth I mean my city )

But NO!
My head is spun out.  It’s like being rewarded 8 different awards and not sure which one to brag about first. It’s like winning the lottery and not knowing what to spend or where to spend the money. It’s like being a new person and not knowing where,or how, to direct yourself.

You can have drives more frequently than others and therefore be considered driven but they all come and go. I’m okay with that, but what does starting my car mean? I know we start at the beginning, but I don’t know where the key to my car is. My heart?

I guess I just want my forward movement to represent the new I am. It shoudn’t be that difficult, but I think reassessing purpose and realizing I was living for nobody at all has really made socks of hesitation for my feet. I’m scared to step anywhere.

But hey,maybe by taking a step in wherever direction, is exactly what I need to figure out where I do or don’t want to step, and give me plans and goals to start mapping my life journey. To start a career of life, by actually choosing what happens in it, instead of just reacting to what does.

Now to stop typing and start doing.
That’s a step, ain’t it?

Flying in my Heart

I flew around the world with a human-my son,who had only spent 4 montharoos in the worldy. Me and my 24 year old self.
I don’t know, maybe that should have sunk in and it should be considered a small feat and what some Moms do all the time.
But it was me and everytime I think about that time, I feel I was very young.

It was, and is, a giant feat for me that I feel proud about.

And now?

My son flies around my heart in his own special capsule in his own special space every single day. He’s got his own flight path and neither of us are the pilots-it’s just called love.
We fly alone together everywhere.

To the grocery store. Through dreams. Through tears.

Even when apart.

He takes the flight in my heart that is a flight that lasts forever.
And no matter how young or how old I feel,
it will always be the case-
plane and simple.

Visit is Ending Soon-Preparation

Two weeks before I go.
Once Thailand hits my feet, there will be plenty of change.
Putting house on market. Possibly getting rerouted to work out of Nakon. A town in the middle of no where-which is where we started out before pregnancy entered our lives.
It is emotional these days as I feel the weight of the clock hand ticking. People I see now-it may be the last time I do.
Because it has happened before.

Our plan to move back to Canada is happening faster than we thought. And as I sit at the counter in the house I grew up in, it seems difficult for me to grasp it. Like I’m not ready to handle the move. To start the process.
But it is because I am here. In the country I am in. Two weeks left.
When I think of what living in Canada will do to us, how it will change our relationship dynamic completely… I hesitate.
Let me get through this big change first. Of leaving the ones I love behind. Of leaving the places and smells and food I love. Of leaving my attatchments and ability to speak properly. Conversations and pictures I gleam for.
Let me get through the airports and tears and weakness. Through the 18 hour hour flights and the sleepless 24.
I must build for that now. To mentally prepare so that I can do it without falling apart in the isle on the Boeing 777.
I am strong and my focus must be slowly directed there. For that is how I can do it, each and every time that I have.