Meds

Bursts of happy trampoline jump into my heart space and I wonder if it’s the meds sometimes. I can feel mentally low and then I’m knocked  over with a force of joy and am physically low.
I dislike talking about meds.
Any type of registered pharmaceutical thing.

I was always so against meds for better health. Even floopa loopin vitamins.

Now I’m here, still disliking them but more okay with them. It may be a few months of taking that little white oval with a line in the middle of it, but then that’ll be it. ‘Cause I’m a happy woman that don’t need no pilly pills.
I just believe that they’re doing something so that it works, no matter the way that it is.

 

Changing Where Your Happiness Derives From

Sitting on the floor of the dining room. Facing the back yard. Through the glass doors I see the birds at the feeder and the sun rising, peeking here and there through the brown limbs of forestry. The grass is green, the house is quiet.
But my ears are not. They swallow up soft joyful music. I shall be motivated and inspired today. I shall take on the day with great to be alive feelings. Because I have that choice.

Truth is,
deep down I know my happiness is coming from the fact that ex and I are still in the cuddle bug rug of datability. And I am holding onto that for all I am worth.

Since I am aware of this I am trying to sway my happiness from just that, to the will to live for simply, the happiness that I can create because of ME. I am a wonderful person.

And I have the ability myself, to sustain that joyfulness through brain choices. Habits form that way. And habiting a life of inner peace and joy has got to be more fufilling than reliance on others.
Which, has always been my way.

We’ve got to be fully happy with self, before we are able to give our complete to someone else.

 

You’re Happier then Them

Get joy from the small things in life.
I used to be that way all the time. And then I reached a certain age and felt more self conscious of getting giddy over seeing a live camel or seeing someone I knew out in public.
Not because I grew more aware, but thought more about what people thought.
And CARED about what people thought.

So I lost that spectrum of my youth.
I swallowed it, became more older and less happy.

So hey adults,
get joy from the small things in life and don’t care whether your neighbour thinks the first sight of a tulip is amazing or not

because at the end of the day,
you’re happier then them.

 

My Cereal Came Alive

My  cereal danced right out of my pocket last week. I watched the flakes on the floor, circle themselves and they got so dizzy they fell back onto my couch and I sat beside them once they caught there breath and we watched all the shows that were on for 21 minutes. And the world didn’t exist in that time and everything big was small and the small things, like cereal flakes, were the happiest biggest things that life was made up of. I got syrup out and I poured it on the tiled floor and we slipped and slid and bumped the fridge door open and the butter fell off the shelf and the milk did too, and we laughed and lay there with plum sauce on our lips and we were fine. We were fine because I wasn’t dying. I was living. And so was my cereal.

One of those First Day Posts

I didn’t think I wasn’t capable, just that I wasn’t the type to feel that way. I even thought about it and felt that brushing it off and getting on with my day, was how I would deal with it. So when leaving my son on his first day of daycare with a welling rise in my throat and gloss already forming on my sight, well, it kinda threw me off.
But it didn’t either.

It didn’t feel THAT weird. It just felt weird that I didn’t expect that reaction of mine.
It felt good and it felt weird that it felt good.

I had visions of him without me, interacting with unfamiliar people and being so…alone. Those images packed into my brain without warning throughout the day. I called two hours after I left him, to make sure he was doing fine. Of course he was.

I arrived 10 minutes prior to leaving time and circled the block about three times and felt like a funny mom, laughing at myself for how ridiculous and how proper all of that, all of me, was.

He survived his first day and so did I.

And the real special part was when I walked into the room and he saw me from across it and jumped off his horse and ran and ran and ran right to me with his little arms outstretched to hug my bones, my self, my life, my love and I immediatly felt cry come up my insides and curve to the ceiling and I knew I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I wouldn’t be able to form edible words and so I signed out quick and got him to the truck and talked to him all the way home about his day and loved and loved and loved. And when we got home I sat with him, close to him, with him touching my face and telling me he had missed me and holding my ears and sayin he had cried a little bit because he was ‘squared’ and ‘wanted Mommy there’.

I would never had understood any of those feelings from another parent if I had not experienced this day for myself. This day, those feelings, that love, that humanity.
Thank you heartbeat of mine, for sad and scared and wondering days like these. Where the trickling of all those sensations makes up a very, very life of a feeling. A heart swelling blooming living feeling, that you can’t forget once you know it.

Gurd

You go to a five stages,three day camping festival event and you come back feeling like you were on a euphoric emotional high two of the three days and you understand that it’s been 5 years since you’ve been around that many English speaking people at once and that it is your first time you have ever even experienced bands and people and closeness the way that you did.

You see the tents come down and the piles of garbage bags and the dust from the cars driving out.

You arrive home and you play a song from the CD you bought of one of the bands you saw-one of the members of that band you went to public school with and whose mother taught you in grade 6.

And you cry.

It’s not a drop of the system. It’s not happy slid into a hole of sad. It’s an overwhelming mixture of memories and time and realization. That you just experienced all that. And the photos run your heart wild and before you fully understand,you’re craving to do more of things like this.
You can have lived on the other side of the world for years, visited multiple countries and drove through 90% of the states in America; but when your travel bug has gone mute, it is mere evidence that something will take it’s place.

Maybe you won’t figure what’s supposed to fill it up right away. But something will.

It might click when you’re dancing in a great furious next to a girl that you met 12 hours ago, or when you’re in a group of 7, having lost the three people you knew. It might click when you get home and your heart yearns to do it all over again.

To start an addiction of something new, because of a space that held something old.

Oh, that is a marvelous life particle to have obtained!

Stop Directing

I’ve seen this happen dozens of times.
It happens with my own child.

Child gets given a new toy. Adult helps get it out of the box. Adult starts puttings pieces together to make what it’s supposed to be.
Child is taken to a new place. The zoo let’s say. ” Let’s go this way to see the zebras!”.

By setting things up for our children, by pushing them to play with a toy the way that it is supposed to be played with, we are taking away their creativity. A moment where there personality can show, where the joy of seeing them make up what they want, exists.
Perhaps the child is interested in the fence. Who cares if you came to the zoo to see some sheep. The child has a desire to bend around wooden posts and it makes him happy.

There are many moments we lose out on simply because we unknownely push our knowledge onto our kids.

Let’s refrain from moulding their minds. Lets let them decide that the cracker wrapper is a blanket for their lego block, that wheels are pillows and hair elastics on the ground are the eyes of what’s underneath.

Stop directing and start seeing blooms of incredible creativity come into play.

Breaking Down in the Last Week

My head is spinning and I’m whirling myself into people’s arms hoping to make some impact.Hoping they won’t be able to forget me and I am neglecting my child and own sister and mother and it hits me today that going back is going to be harder than ever before. Not exactly the leaving part. But the living there part. I have now experienced this life with friends and child.I have finally combined them too in a rapid pace and I am clinging to it.
I have no energy for my child. I am pushing him away as I step outdoors and gulp the last of this air. The people glow. I am feeling guilty and worn and my voice is half gone. I am pushing myself on 5 hours of sleep at night. I am doing as much as I can in the time I have. I am getting frantic and simple things are now making me whimper. Planning to meet people is becoming difficult and I am snapping at my mother.
My ends are unravelling and I feel at this point I have no control. Nor do I want to. My eyes are set on here and now. On the stuff that I won’t have for much longer. I tell myself I’ll be better in Thailand. That I’ll fix this madness. That there won’t even be anything to fix. But deep down I know, something is up. I’m not a good mother here and I don’t know if I will be as good of one over there as I was before I left to visit Canada.
I am scared.
I am emotional.
I am breaking down.

Introducing

I told you something big would happen.
Something big in my life.

I’ve thought about this post for quite some time. Wondering how I
would tell it. Even though I don’t know any of you, the sacredness of
this beauty is so much that the one reveal HAS to be good.

But while trying to come up with a reveal, I’ve realized that the
intensity lies within the fact itself.
No buttery mixture or flowered intricacies are needed for this.
It holds it’s own power.

It is something I have wanted since I was in my late teens.
Something I believe I was born to be. In my heart the desire has
flicked and licked and jumped around, but  it has not ever faded.
Because it is the whispers of my life.
Unlike schooling it is the one thing I have been certain I want to
enroll in.

As of October 24th 2012, I took on the biggest title I will ever.
I became a mother.

All the recent unfolding events I cannot seem to catch and fold back up
again.  And maybe that’s partly why they are so special. I know in
time I will have them wrapped around me but for now, it’s the kind of
material that is better left to see from afar. And from that sight,
sit in the feelings it produces.

I want to write more on it all. It surely is worthy of it.

But for now I leave you with the introduction of
my son

Zeek.

The largest bucket of love I’ve ever poured on me.
The widest river of love I’ve ever swam in.
The tallest tree I’ve ever climbed.
The most love I’ve ever felt.