All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.
I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.
I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.
In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.
You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.
You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.
You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except
you can change little particles of it.
but you don’t want to.
Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.
Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable.
It all makes sense.