The Sun and I

I spent time with Sun last week. In flaming glory she relayed her weekend. My chuckles were riddled with craters of approval. If I could be as hot as her, I would do those things too!

We held a heated discussion, full of sizzling stories and depth the colour of red hot. She had to know I understood the rays of her beauty.

With not so much as a breath of effort she warmed my insides.

I respect her and her tolerance, her dry humor and the way she dances and dials.
Oh Sun, you’ve got me all hot and bothered
and I like it.

 

Please Don’t be Partial

If you are in my life,  I am tired of you being in it partial
I was in that way with you, for a while
and it was never what I wanted.
I didn’t know how to get out.

Ever since I started learning about knowing how,
I’ve reached the surface a few dozen times
not struggling to stay a float
but
not being strong enough to fight through the undertows-
my habitual current.

I make progress
and want you in fully
to support
and help me when I fall down

Maybe it’s because you are still learning about knowing how to be here at all.

Because who the fook knows how you’re still here;
but if you’re gonna be here
please don’t be partial.

 

 

6 Years Ago I Knew It Would Eventually Explode

I don’t wonder how I got to this position in my life. Strictly dealing with relationships and not the firey one I’m in the continual process of adding gasoline to.
It makes entire sense to me knowing I am here because I have chosen it. I have chosen to be here. It sucks to admit but it feels good to. I’m taking responsibility. Not to say I’m not taking responsability for the other areas of my life. I just could foresee this one panning out the way it did.

I remember thinking years ago, from time to time that eventually, it was all going to blow up in my face. And this isn’t just a little ‘ I want my sucker NOW,’ blow up- I’m talking an entire life upheaval that I knew would have me on my knees and in bed for days. I didn’t eat a thing for TWO weeks, for goodness sake.   I knew this would happen back then but I told myself I would worry about it once it happened.
Afterall I knew I couldn’t go on forever with one foot in my relationships. I couldn’t keep lying – to myself or to others-till the end of time, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I kept choosing the bad – out of pure laziness I might add- settling myself with the fact that the blow up would change things.

And it has.

I used to think this space sucked. A LOT. But no. It’s just different. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. I’ve cried a lot, drank a lot, drank not a lot,danced a lot, cooked a lot, been alone a lot, read a lot, hated myself, loved myself, learned and growed… it’s been really shitty at times but motivating myself is kind of a cool feeling.

It’s silly that I had to have the initial push forced upon me. But that’s how I work. Or should say, USED to work.
I’m taking initiative and figuring that in the future I don’t need a big crash like this to kick my butt in gear.
I don’t love this place, no..but you know what guys, I would take this place over the place I was at, anyday. 

Life before the life crash: I was in denial. I made myself believe I was happy,carefree and full of friendship. But really, I was just livable to myself. 

 

 

 

Now I can say I’m lovable to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s a fact worth living. 

 

Finally, Now I know

I was looking back on old typings of mine on my external hardrive. We’re going back to 2007?  My mouth dropped at a certain one.

I was telling myself that I didn’t know what it was like to love. That I just wanted to feel a heartbreak, to truly know that I was loving.
I continued on expressing how I had always been the one that broke up with whoever I was with at the time. And that by being loved so much by these individuals, I abused it. It meant less to me because I didn’t understand it. And I always had it.
I begged to feel heartbroken.

And now?

After 27 years of living,
I know what it’s like to have my heart busted.

 

 

Learning Love

It swims in violet swirls as I am finally understanding fully, that I am learning about love. That I am learning what it really means to love. And it is difficult.Learning AND Loving. And the reason I never knew much about it before now is due to the fact that I always ran when it got tough. When I didn’t like something and told myself it was a big deal, it was easy for me to step out- for I had never fully given myself. I hadn’t become vulnerable enough. I was too stiff and scared to risk.
My standards are still high, but now I see better, the love I have in me.
I have felt loved before, I was always loved. But this love means the most to me. And why? Because this love comes from someone that has seen and dealt and cried and feared and hurt so badly for my mistakes; from who I was before all this. And. They Still love Me.

So now, along with the past seven months, I go through the active repercussions of my past choices. I see that at the same time there is the pain that love can bring someone, the incredible drive to continue is also present.

And THAT, is something that makes me love better.

Experience is the best teacher, even if it hurts the most. These days I’m prooving to myself that I love deeper than I ever have before.
And that’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for three A’s in grade 12.