All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.
I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.
I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.
In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.
You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.
You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.
You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except
you can change little particles of it.
but you don’t want to.
Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.
Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable.
It all makes sense.
I probably have at least another year in this country. So I’m attempting to get all the Thai food in that I can. I have already half stepped out and am focusing on life things in my home here,but the food aspect is something I care to indulge in.
I think of the changes I will undergo and I know I can not prepare for it all.
There are things I recognise. Like the buildings plastered with the advertising signs, how relaxed my eyes will be once on Canadian soil. I feel that difference every visit I take back.
I don’t think I will do another visit. It took too much out of me the last time. And since moving back is close and extra money will be good to have, I think the idea isn’t such a bad one to stay.
I am only keeping in contact with one person on a regular basis. And it is someone I have never met in person. I guess it makes more sense to me now why I am not putting my time towards friends that wait for me to email them and question why they haven’t heard from me. I tell them that they to,have fingers and brain and computer, to type to me. I have lost the desire to keep in touch with many because of this.
My focus should be more here and my involvement should grow here too.
When I think of leaving within twelve months, it doesn’t scare me or make me refrain from attaching myself to a club or people I meet at a play place. I have so much to look forward too. My own country is enough to satisfy and cover over every person I will meet and never see again here.
I am okay with it.
I have been in Canada the past two months. The country I grew up in . The people and culture that is now engrained in me. Within 24 hours, I will be at an airport with my son and Mother and I will be flying 18 flight hours back to Thailand where house is and husband will be and I will pick up on my life there, where I left off.
For the past four years I have been living on both sides of the world and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am scared for the future. I am excited. I am aching with the goodbyes and my stomach is sick with dread. With what I know is to come.
My eyes are bloodshot and dry, tired and drained.
I don’t know how to do it any other way because this is what I have known. This is the heart ache I go through every single time I come for a visit. This is the pull and the push that happens. That leaves me weak in the knees. I am exhausted and feel numb and empty and full of every emotion all at once.
I am in shock.
Because it doesn’t make sense in my head how the time happened. How in two days I will be back to an entirely different lifestyle.
I am freaked out because I don’t know how I will be. I shake and spin and hope that I can do this. That I can get through one of the hardest times leaving.
I do it this way, involve and invest, attatch and connect to people here because if i don’t have this, then I don’t have much.I need this closness in order to feel valuable in this world.
I need to feel loved by more than just one person.
Leaving loved ones is one of the worst feelings.
But because I can feel that way about them, it is also one of the best.
It is better to feel,
then not to at all.
The goodbyes begin.
My heart got heavier the closer I got to home and we pulled over twice on the way, to hold one another. The sun was rising and there was a big puddle of cloud that was being painted pink.
I am so tired and I am so drained and today I must do my sons first birthday party.
I am hiding in the living room while showers go on and footsteps happen and I don’t feel like talking to anyone today. My eyes sting and my hair is ugly and I don’t want to see anyone today.
He’s been my best friend for four years and we’ve hung out everyday for the past week. We do it to ourselves. Setting up attatchment camps and roasting care like we don’t want to think about what it will be like when we’re apart.
We created memories that I will always have rathered to do then not and when he pulled out of the driveway my heart sunk a hundred notches and I could barely make it up the porch steps.
This is what love does sometimes and it is good to think of it as a good thing. It is worthy of all my tears and heartache, my snotty nose and red eyes.. whatever it is, it can produce these feelings and that is a powerful thing.
I melted this morning. Down. Right onto the carpet of the room my sister used to sleep in.
My 10 month old son stared at me, as snot came out of my eyes and dripped down my face and I just let it out and out and out and I don’t even know where it all came from. But I broke. Down. In the room my brothers and I made blanket swings in when we were children.
I am sitting on the front lawn on top of the hill in the chair my mother sat in only two days ago, beside my sucidal younger brother. She sat.
It’s where I sit, alone. And my heart still beats fast and it is 1130 in the morning and I have had 4 cups already and eaten nothing. I handed son to mom and said I need you to take him. And in these minutes out here I’ve somehow mashed something altogether so that it resembes something of a reason. As to my down.
My father left yesterday and I don’t know when I will see him next. We cried as we hugged and I said I loved him more than I ever did before.
My younger brother has left too. Back to university. Now that he has gone my mother tells me he had told her ‘ you’re gonna lose me, you’re all gonna lose me if you aren’t there,aren’t around’. And I don’t believe him at first. I scoff at the idea. And then it sinks in deeper because it actually has weight.
I have been going and going with son and me and I have been preparing bottles and feeding and conversing and carseat switching and walking with father and swinging baby and having food outside at sisters, at fast food at restaurants and it is all me. Because I know baby best and I’m supposed to and rest of family stands back and watches while I try my best to settle and comfort and make good. I am not used to this and I miss my husband.
It bothers me that my mom talks to me about the rest of the kids. It bothers me that we are not an open family and that my younger brother will not say the same things he does to mom, to dad. It bothers me that I feel heavy and bloated and that all my mom can talk about is the wedding of my cousin this upcoming saturday. I am shaking and determined not to eat much of anything the next few days.
It bothers me that best guy friend isn’t around as much because of new girl. New girl I like and have known since grade 10. But I feel alone. I am so sensitive right now and I don’t like it. I don’t want to care that noone is texting me back and I don’t want to feel that I should have plans chalked up for the whole week. I don’t want to care what others think about my care for baby. My mother will say everything about it to my sister. And I hate that I know it will happen and that I will hardly hear much of it. I don’t like caring about so much. So I will try not too. Once my hands have stopped shaking and once I’ve downed another coffee. Because I can’t stop right now. I know I should, but I’m not going to. I will absorb this negative space I am in and I will take a break from baby today, because I am fortunate to be able to, and then I will move on. Rubbing positive lotion between my hands, putting make-up on, wearing nice clothes,doing my hair. I will step out and up. With good energy because I do have control over it. I will step up.
So many words and ideas and thoughts go screeching through my head. They go so fast that it is difficult to catch them.My mom arrives in two days. I have had my suitcase packed for five and we leave in six.
I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready. But then again I don’t know if I could be.
I tend to just collect as I go and gain enough momentum to carry me through.
There are pieces scattered about my husband and I, but I do not have the energy or the time to focus on them. I am looking to the horizon, Canada being my sunset and my break.
I am hoping that the carpet of my home land will envelope me in comfort that I can send back with me here, when I come. Comfort that allows me to lock the house up and walk down to catch a taxi. A taxi to a play place where Zeek can play and I can interact with other mothers.
I have stuck myself inside the home for weeks because the idea of leaving the house, is work.
And that may be okay for a little while, but in the end, it doesn’t do any good for anyone.
I get frustrated with my husband and feel lonely even though I won’t admit it and Zeek suffers because of it.
I am waiting for Canada to smooth us down. It is my way out and I look towards it like its the cure of all diseases. It’s hazardous a bit.. But it’s all I have the energy to do right now.