I got stronger, more foundational, more sure of what I was becoming.
I was still afraid,still cautious and still unsure of what it meant for a certain piece of my life.
I didn’t know if I could fix this old part with me, if old could survive with new.
If I could integrate,mend gently and beautifully – and not forcefully, recklessly or irresponsibly
I knew that I didn’t want to let the piece go- I’d spent time cultivating it too
I also knew I wasn’t okay with jeopardizing the being I’ve become.
So I needed to follow through on this admittance:
that if the certain piece of my life couldn’t accept or even to try and understand what I’ve become and am becoming,
I had to let it go .
It shifted. A few days ago it did.
When I finally set myself free.
When I did what I needed to do. And it couldn’t have happened any sooner
because I wasn’t ready to let go.
This was in my heart all along.
So as much as this is a beginning, it still feels like it is gloriously aged cheddar.
I guess that’s what happens when you finally make your own hearts whispers’ a priority.
We spent more consecutive and planned time together these past three days than we have in five months.
And it’s because we knew the rest of the gift was coming.
We were dating-past free- for the weekend.
Dinner and desserts and movie and conversations about everynothings- all the things we know our hearts ache to have from one another. We gave in to simplicity and let ourselves forget our mess.
We let ourselves get good and deep and lost.
I’m not giving up,
I’m just tired of words that don’t carry any meaning and tired of actions that are only giving way to the us in the past.
I knew the weeks leading up to the move would go fast, but not like last week.
Last week feels like a blink.
And that’s blinkin’ fast.
I’m basically packed.
And these next few days I will be saying goodbye to this country.
I will light candles and close the lights.
I will turn on slow music and let all the memories, all the life I lived here, go. It will still be a part of me, but I will no longer hold them as if I am living in them.
To move on with as little weight as possible. With little baggage.
With only my suitcases of my most valuable possessions and my son.
I will let go,
I will cry
and in every tear, there will be a memory from here
that I will wipe away.