Lying: It Comes Back

You lie to others,
and then they lie back to you.
And you can be really really angry and hurt they did
but you shouldn’t be.
You can’t really be upset.

And you know it.
And that’s an inner conflict that you have to deal with.

 

Think about that the next time you’re going to lie.

 

 

 

Do People Know You Well?

“Well, that’s just the thing,” I said to myself.

“The people I have in my life right now,  well, I’ve never had friends that knew so much about me. ”

I’ve had two best friends all my life. They still ARE my best friends.It’s different now because even though they knew me really well back then, my flaws,my faults,my weaknesses, they know me better now because I know myself better.And I ADMIT to things and I will talk about them and I think that, that is how people know you better then very well.

And the post about how the people in my life don’t really know me at all. ‘( People Post) ‘ We could all say that to some degree. We don’t have 12 people in our life all at the same calibre and depth of friendship. Each one is different and along with that comes how much each of them know.

I do not feel guilty for having people in my life that don’t know all of me. That’s just the way it’s going to be. The parts, the ways, the identity they know me as, is true. Is real. Is me. And I think that’s the main thing. They don’t know a scam. A lie. I’m not a lie anymore.
Locking yourself in your head and getting upset and frustrated in something you surely are just creating yourself, is a sure way to crazy. And that’s what I meant by noone knowing who I was. If you start closing doors on yourself, start hanging out in the room of your mind for long periods of time, you’re gonna feel noone knows you because you’re the only one that has access to that part of yourself. And you’re the one that MAKES the room what it is.

So stop making yourself feel alone and alien and unknown to everyone out there. You’ve got a decent amount of control over how much people know of you. Make it you, not fake you.
‘Cause in the end, you’re only going to turn into a disapointed hermit that you wish people knew better.
And the longer you stay in your mind mansion, the more difficult it is to open doors and windows to life around you.

Getting Better or Getting Better in my Lies

So that was a rough patch. I’m onto smoother grounds now and I’m not even sure how I got here. Maybe it’s the shoes I’m wearing. Or the fact that I stopped conversing with a guy friend from back home. I was Skyping with him an hour everyday. Goodbyes are tough and sometimes they trail into the other life you’re living across the world. But we cut our communication off and I suppose ever since then, I am more present.

We still do not have the life we did before. We still are not as affectionate or as playful, as loving or as cute. Even though I have seven new bras and matching panties he ordered from the UK last month, the usage has been sparce.
We both have our things to work on but I just feel that I am the one tugging us down. What runs through my head is the saying ‘ what you loved about your partner, what made you fall for them, becomes the things that bother you the most’ . It is true for me.
I admired his wealth of knowledge, how much he talked for minutes at a time without my response.I was shy and was glad he could talk.But now I find myself shutting off. One of my friends told me, ” It is hard being in a relationship with a smart person. ” Because he is. Way smarter than me. So I have been feeling like a little ant under his giant brain and it doesn’t feel very good.
Sometimes I feel unmotivated to say anything because I know he will come back with something greater, better, something that relates to something else that prooves his point and so all our conversations end up being not about me and my feelings, end up not being simple and organised, but chaotic and sad.

In these days I am weak.
And I am being better, I am trying harder. To get to somewhere good. Because I am coming into focus with the fact that I don’t really want to leave him. That just because it gets tough for me, doesn’t mean I run.
But I’m still stuck. Because I am not who he thinks I am.
I am living a lie and I’m stuck in it.
So am I really getting better? Or am I just getting better at my lies?