You cant keep blocking or ignoring the feelings. They can swim. You cant drown them with alcoholic ice or drugs. Numbing them doesn’t make them flee forever. You will always come back to them in some way or another if you don’t properly work through them, with them. Your freedom-to live happier, is worth it.
You don’t owe me anything
and I’m mad because you don’t.
Your being is closer, the sapphire fragrance of your inner child stands tall among the adult reeds. And my hands dribble through the adequate possibility, catching the stickiness of the long stems between my fingers.
Making sense of today, the future.
How many wrong roads have I taken ?
How many have been right?
Why do I feel they are mostly wrong,
when I know i am where i am supposed to be?
Am i not convinced
or am i just uncomfortable sitting so fragile?
Feelings are real.
but they don’t have to control your life.
I think about you everyday. I miss you. I think about the what have I dones and the whys and why didn’t I and how could I and what was I thinking and in all of this, making some rational sense because sense without rational is like the national anthem without pride.
oh Life, I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.
Relationship with my eight year old son strained
like raw spaghetti rigid in the sink
and when you toss those toothpick noodles against the wall
The sauce burnt on the stove
even though I like the smell because it smells like I cooked something nice
like how I created my son without looking at a recipe
or the ingredients.
Who measures out sperm or eggs?
So here I struggle, while he stirs the pot
of boiling brain temperatures of mine
and racing heart.
The perfect dish of basil and mushroom spaghetti doesn’t exist
but getting my hands dirty and paste splattered on my apron
that I don’t even wear because my whole body is a canvas for stains,
is this process that at least
I can use to become better
making the dish of Life
sticky and sweet
My sister asked if I lost weight.
The cool part was that I went out for Indian food and an ice cream with my mom and her friend earlier that day.
Otherwise I had been eating soft boiled eggs, a case of soda water a day and sautéed mushrooms and garlic for dinner since august 1st.
Oh, and I dropped the booze out of the system too.
I haven’t jumped on the scale at all since July, but it was nice my habit changes were noticed.
Just been super tired and been downing black ice coffee like they’re gonna stop selling it.
Awgust blooms it’s way onto the platform.
a different approach is taken.
i don’t dance yet,
my mind is stabilizing still.
trickles of frustration and anger
i let them.
I am not afraid of what I feel
i am shifting control to me.
and Awgust will be my platform
on which to do so.
I want my life a certain way. I can’t just WAIT for that to happen to me. That was my childhood. That is what is not going to happen now. I have to make the changes myself. Why is it so difficult???