I organize unorganized messes in the bottom of my brain. Where parades of memory drummers march around in circles waiting for me to fall.
And sometimes I do because I let myself. Falling is sometimes the only way to feel that something is right in life that life is not just in the living room of my heart but that it is the heart and that I am here because of it.
Some of us like routine.
Some of us stick to the things that we know and don’t venture on the unknown.
But how’d ya figure out you liked steak?
How’d you know you liked wearing silk over cotton?
And you know you like coffee. You actually have one every morning?
Here’s why you know:
At some point in your life you ventured out for a moment and whether conscious thought or not – you thought, ‘ Hey,I’m going to try this. I’ll have this. I haven’t tried it before’.
And now it’s the only perfume you wear. Now it’s the only toilet paper you use.
You couldn’t go about your routine without your Apple product! No!
Don’t get too stuck in your ways. You brave a little of the unknown in life -and yes-
it could be a sad,unwanted outcome,
but it could also end up being the girl you happily spend your life with.
Having a baby away from all your friends and family, in a different country where the culture is not at all simliar than your own, is bad.
It is bad for the obvious reasons that Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents do not get to create a bond and watch him grow. It is bad that my friends don’t get to be a part of this wonderful light in my life and it is bad because I get less breaks and time for myself.
Good becomes of this because there has be to good in everything. Even if we don’t see it.
I read online about other Mothers feeling judged and getting advice flung at them in all directions in the Western countries.
Here, I get none of that stuff. I live my own life, raising my child the way I want to and I don’t feel judged even though we get stared at everytime we go out. Some are bold enough to come up and touch his hands and his feet and sometimes they even touch his face. Which is always the time I bat their hands away. In Canada, maybe there would be more personal space awareness and maybe there would be less people that actually stare.
But my realisation and joy of raising Zeek here has flourished into this field of prosperous blooms! I am understanding that even though it sucks being away from my homeland, there are so many benefits to being here.
We’ve all got our rules and our own ideas about how to raise our children. Since Thailand is a slow-paced life and people are patient and wouldn’t give dirty looks if child screams in restuarant, I feel that having my first child here, really is a positive thing.
I choose to look at it this way not just because I have to be in this situation, but because the field I’m in smells wonderful and I want to be able to plant whatever seeds are growing here, further on, in and around my life.
I awoke at 430am with my head launching repeated questions and thoughts of one of my lifes biggest decisons. The mind spinners that make your tummy ache alittle and your heart race a lot. The thoughts that are so powerful you dont even really have space to be angry with them for keeping you up.
Five years ago I made the decision to come to Thailand. Between now and that first decision, I also made the decision to live here. I don’t remember when it was, I don’t even know that there was a specific moment.
And so here I am laying in bed, wondering if I will regret this ten years from now.
Wondering if I will regret leaving behind all my solid friendships, taking myself out of the equations back in Canada and making one new one here. Will I wish that I would have held off? Will I tell myself that I should have let my early twenties be my drunk, silly and friendship-focused days? I feel a bit saddened and sorry, a bit lonely and worried. I feel outside of Canadian life and maybe that won’t ever really go away..
It scares me.
To think that maybe there will come a time when I will question all that I’ve done and wonder why I chose to do what I did. Maybe I will hate myself for having left people I loved, for moving away from so much laughter and happiness.
I think back to those years leading up to my departure. So much overflowing goodness in them that it forces me to question why. Maybe now that those memories are only just that, they have more of a rosey tinge than actuality. Maybe things had petered out and my friendships were dragging. Maybe it wasn’t as fun as I think it to be now. Maybe it got old.
Maybe in the end I won’t understand why, but I will just accept and believe in whatever reasoning it was back then.
I’ll probably have faith in my own self, to know that I did what was best in that time.
These thoughts continue to circle until I reach this deafening point.
I believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and if I did not meet my husband here and if i met him but did not love him enough to stay, then frankly, I couldn’t say I know a love as strong as this.
I have stayed because of love and that reason is the best conclusion I’ve ever had.