I don’t know if some Moms’ would ever admit to it. or think it.
but i have.
somedays i wish i wasn’t a mom. for those 24 hours i sometimes wish i could only think about myself. i only needed to think about what i wanted to do. somedays i wish that that is only who i had to focus on.
i know i’m a good mother. i really am, but i do have those moments where i fall apart and i yell. or i move fast. and it scares him.
noone is ready to give up the entire span of there life hours .
until it happens.
you will never be ready to have kids, as ready as you feel you can be. you will never reach that point and having that point be exactly what you felt was going to happen.
you will fall apart and days will seem poorly sewn together. you will want to fall asleep and never wake up. you will want to sleep for days and never have to feed poop guts it would seem, into your childs mouth.
i understand that noone is a perfect parent and there is no way i claim to be one.
but i am realistic to myself. when it comes to wanting more children or realising that parenthood sure has a lot of joys but, doesn’t always add up in a moment.
i realised today that where i am and who i am with is apart of that.
i realise now more than ever, what i want .
i want to be more free, not just with myself, but do more things with my partner.
my partner comes home every day and sits in front of the tv. every single day. it’s what he did when we were dating. its the movie he sits in front of. and i am active. i like to be out doing things. and so when this is just adding to the spread of differences, it sucks.
i have noone .
i just want out. a lot of the times i do. and i find creative spices in other areas. i chat online to people i have never met. i send songs and photos and write emails that make me feel special. that make me feel not worthy, but just.. someone that someone
and child wakes.
Mommy in a hood.