Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.
Not currently as happy as I want to be
A lull in my life right now
I’m wanting what I had
I wish I had of been better
Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.
I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.
I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
You want to cuddle up to someone, give gifts to someone and get told wonderful things about you? About who you are as a person, at the very core? Do you want to feel loved like you are known? Do you want to be spontaneous with someone, to zip out the door on any day at any time and have that someone there? Do you want to have flowers and flames and hot chocolate and feel like you’re never going to be let go?
Then date fucking World.
Cuddle up to leafery and grass heaps. Roll down hills of green, through fields of brown. Give World the gift of your Life. Give It your all and listen to the beautiful reciprications. Listen to the wind, the birds and all the incredible sounds of your new partner. World.
Plan and don’t plan. World is here. As long as you’re living, you know it. And it knows you. Better than anyone else does. World loves you Don’t be lonely with it. Take It for walks and cart wheels. Take it for all the worth you know it is but won’t ever comprehend. Take the fucking World and make It Yours.
I tell you,
date the fucking World and let It’s love soak into your soul.
People make me happy. So I do spend time around the one’s I connect with the most.
I know what gets me to happy so I make sure I don’t lose sight of that.
Sometimes my surroundings only provide me with what I need. And that makes me able to go find what I want. Happiness I believe, is a need. But there are many places to get it from. And sometimes the place I want to find happy in, is not directly related to my surroundings. In finding it, I am creating it. In the areas of creativity and interaction. In expression, in questions and mutual understanding.
People are darling creatures but sometimes you only want certain ones to experience you, and sometimes you only want to experience certain ones.
Time is valuable. And we have a lot to learn.
I hope that we all strive to make our days happy. Because after all, that’s the timeline of you that people have to go by. Now, and when you are gone.
But what good of a line, if you were never happy making it?
So many words and ideas and thoughts go screeching through my head. They go so fast that it is difficult to catch them.My mom arrives in two days. I have had my suitcase packed for five and we leave in six.
I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready. But then again I don’t know if I could be.
I tend to just collect as I go and gain enough momentum to carry me through.
There are pieces scattered about my husband and I, but I do not have the energy or the time to focus on them. I am looking to the horizon, Canada being my sunset and my break.
I am hoping that the carpet of my home land will envelope me in comfort that I can send back with me here, when I come. Comfort that allows me to lock the house up and walk down to catch a taxi. A taxi to a play place where Zeek can play and I can interact with other mothers.
I have stuck myself inside the home for weeks because the idea of leaving the house, is work.
And that may be okay for a little while, but in the end, it doesn’t do any good for anyone.
I get frustrated with my husband and feel lonely even though I won’t admit it and Zeek suffers because of it.
I am waiting for Canada to smooth us down. It is my way out and I look towards it like its the cure of all diseases. It’s hazardous a bit.. But it’s all I have the energy to do right now.