I Lived as a Child

I took myself away from myself.
I sacrificed the best parts of me, so that I could live loosely, irresponsibly and carelessly and make myself believe that was the only way I could be happy.
I knew I was lying to myself all those years. And I didn’t pull any of the better parts of me out , to change what I was.
I let myself get bigger, cry over the things I refused to handle, and stepped far in to the inability to deal with issues properly.
I knew all the right steps. I knew what I had to do, but I was too dependent on the darker side. By letting it consume me, I could feel less, be further away and disconnected from my tough choices.
I got too good at being so bad.

Euphoric Sheet

I once was a sheet of euphoria.
On my tip toes looking into your deep.
I danced in your kitchen as you watched me,
taking off my clothes for you to keep. 

You couldn’t take your eyes off me.
We were set in our own age.
You and I both surging for one another
both the key to our intangible cage.

The power was in everything I did or said
and it took the night to that perfectionist heat,
where you took my hand so slowly
and laid me down on that euphoric sheet.

 

Wants,Needs and Relationships

I look back at the men I have liked in my life and I see resemblances and similarities.
I think we all have types but sometimes they are broad enough to be categorized into a non existent file.
It is a file in itself and today I pulled mine out.
Some men I have been with are much more similar than others. The dynamic is a bit different in each relationship. But this is what I’ve noticed.
There is a very creative type I enjoy.
I have only come across or recognized it in two men.
And the first relationship didn’t end because we wanted it to. It just did.
I enjoy creative minds. Men that will act on stage, will make funny faces and do projects, just because.
I am attracted to this type because I see it in myself. I am shy in a lot of ways but I know I am able to unshell if I am with a person that is already out of theirs. And to be out, is a confidence.

In almost all of my relationships,the guy has started to like me more than I like him.
I end up getting the pants in the relationship up past my knees before I realize I’m wearing them. And I’d rather us both wear them.

I start out pretty dominant.
I have confidence in who I am and I already know they will like me before they tell me. I know how to be in order for that to happen.

I know they will find me interesting and exciting. All the little quirks about me that are mentioned in each friendship or relationship I enter..they are points I focus on now because I know the value people have for them.

I used to be more pure. More innocent. I didn’t recognize my difference.
Now that I have,I use it.
It still is a huge part of who I am, but I feel I have enhanced it, and maybe not so naturally.
But maybe it is naturally.
Maybe this is growing and collecting confidence.

I have dated men that I turn silly.
Serious five years older than I, silly.
I bring youth, I get excited about small things. And they latch on.

And lastly, I find myself in a relationship where I respect and admire more than I ever have before. I am proud and look up to him just as I do my father.
I have not ever been much of a responsible person. I get my mother to pay my cellphone bill, I get dad to fix the broken wheel on my bike, I lose my phone and I use my sisters.
I have been spoiled in life.

And my life now, is an indirect correlation to that fact.
It is not until I found him and have lived with him for years that I understand fully, why I need someone like him. It is not fully, until we have a child together.
It makes a difference that we are in his country though and it has come to a point where I am desperate for independence.
I wait.
But it gets difficult.

I understand now that I need someone to do bills and medicals and buy plugs and run errands. Someone that doesn’t complain if the dishes overflow or if a trail of ants is leading from the front door up the stairs.
I am lazy.
And he is too.
But when he needs to get something done. He will do it.

I need someone that is responsible for me too.

Each relationship we get into is a reflection on where we are at in life.
Sometimes we know that the one we are with at age twenty one is the one we want to be with at thirty six.

But along with wants, there are needs.
I haven’t figured out the exact place where each should go but I know they are both important to have and to fulfill.
I have most of the needs covered but I am not as happy as I know I could be if all my wants were too.
I am a realistic person and I understand that I cannot have everything. If I thought that, I would have left Thailand two years ago.
But I see the damage that can occur when a long time want enlists itself as a need.

I like balance in life.
My needs are being taken care of.
I am happy for that.
But there is a portion of happiness I miss. That creative fun going energized happy.

I am aware I can create it. But it is the first time in my life I am doing it alone.
And it is because when I was twenty one, I fell in love with a man who could fulfill my foreseen 25 year old and older, needs.
It was important enough to me that my wants dissolved and now at twenty five when all my needs are met, the wants come raging full force.

It is a far different relationship I’ve ever been in.
Our relationship will change when we move to Canada. And I am very interested in how.
I will become busy outside of the house.

As for now, I find my wants of creativity are being fufilled outside of the home.
I have found it in the second most creative person I have met in my life.
It is one of the social pieces I crave.
But sometimes I wonder, if it is becoming a need.