The Day My Mother Left

March 11 2016

I walked up the basement stairs about 830am and could feel the chill in the air already.  I opened the basement door and came face to face with a touque wearing, flurescent vested, glove wearing man.

” Can I use the washroom? Where abouts is it?”

In 4 seconds or less I see everything. The doors are open and there are 3 other men moving around and I see the big white truck out the kitchen window with a ramp up to it and items, and lamps and mattress and desk and I think inside ‘ she’s not actually.. is this what this actually is??’ and then Aunt Dawn comes down the stairs with her arms full of bags and I ask ” Is she moving out?”

With grim expression and a slight smirk, she nods her head- out the door she goes.
There are 4, 5, 6, movers, all moving fast and the world is blurry for an instant. I stand there cemented to the spot. I don’t know what to do and I see police car, one, two and I know I do not want to see Mom but she’s there before I can move and next thing i know i  am doing what i dont want to do and moving towards her and i hug her and say the least thing i want to say to her. ” yay, you’re finally doing it!’
then i walk downstairs then i walk back up and i go up more stairs and i am crying and i open my brothers door and i sit on his bed and i say ‘ josh ‘ and he turns over slowly and sees my face and is alert and there is panic in his eyes and i say ‘ moms moving out ‘ and we sit in stunned silence and then we talk and then we look out the window and then we sit some more and then we go back down together and zeek all this time is watching stuff on my computer and doesn’t know anything that’s going on .
and josh calls our sister and she didn’t know . josh calls our brother later on and he didn’t know
and dad is in chatham and he
does
not
know.
i feel wrong being here.
then there are more cars and aunt ruth and uncle john are there and he asks me ‘ hows it goin’ and i say drly’ perfect’ he says oh right, dumb question’. and they hug me and i am stiff and my eyes wet and they just keep being wet and i am standing there beside them and i dont want to be and they say they have nothing against my dad and that john, ‘ i’d like to go golfing with him this summer’ and i’m saying inside my head, ‘ya the fuck right’. i am mad mad mad mad mad and feel out of place.
Then I am downstairs and the movers are there now too and ask ‘ are we just taking the tv?’
My blank stare is enough answer.
I know this is the best thing to do. For Mom to leave.
But I am still angry.
I am mad that she chose to do it this way. To have it planned for at least a month. To get her own place. To know she was spending her last days here. And us not have a clue.
I am angry that all those trips into town were ones for lawyers. she never ever told us she was leaving even those times.
I am mad she didn’t say goodbye, but i know that was easier for her to do.
I hate that she said ‘ you can visit, theres a suite you can stay in for 3,4 days for free’.
‘im sorry mom, ‘ i think to myself ‘ i have not fricken processed this in the slighest.
The place she will have gotten will be very nice. It won’t be dumpy. And Josh and I sit dumbfounded, and he asks me about the affair because in Moms email to him, she mentions it assuming he already knew. He didn’t. But I say nothing about it and say , ‘ask dad,he’ll tell’.

Then, all of a sudden, a crashing silence falls on our heads and we stand up and we say, ” Are they gone already??”

and upstairs we go and there is no trace that they were even here, save for the spaces of things that were there and are now gone.
we move to her room and it is empty empty empty and we stand in it for a few minutes and we lean against the windows and i watch the birds at the feeder.
we wait for dad to come home and he comes home and he stops in the driveway in his white jeep and he backs up and we watch him do this and then he pulls forward and we know he has seen the marks on the grass and josh and i put our coats on and shoes and walk out to the garage and he shuts the jeep door and he follows us in and josh says’ we have some bad news…..pause… ‘ mom left’
“oh really. that doesn’t surprise me too much’ he says and his eyes are full of question and josh begins retelling the hour and a half.
and i recall people taking pictures and writing down items in the garage and in the kitchen and dad said ‘when he saw us walking out he figured somethign was up’ and when george and him left early for chatham  earlier that day they had to turn around because they forgot something and mom alreayd had her car trunk open and her bedding inside because she thought they would be gone but they came back and he saw that and thought’ either shes gettign it dry cleaned or moving out?” and she had this all planned. calculated down to the last plate she was going to take. she knew everythin she was entitled to and she had it all configured in her brain about how much stuff she needed for her new place. three stools? yes, they’ll fit quite nicely. a couch? tv? oh i need a coffee machine, yes i’ll take that one. and this good chinaware too!
dont ask me how ballistic my uncle george ( who is living with us too ) will get now without his 5 hour daily tv watch. to be honest i think that was kinda a mean one taking that . it’s not like she can’t afford another one? but we’ll get another one and a nicer one and we will change the whole basement around too. this is more my house now. I’m the woman in it.
we shall change the locks on the house.
and dad is not to know where mother now resides.
—————————–
I do feel lighter.
I do feel the air is thinner, there is less tension and Zeek finally feels more like mine again.
She will be happier, and we will be happier too. Everyone will. In time.
We will fill in the blank spaces of the house, we will take out all the knick knacks she had and it will be like she was never here. Starting over.
She is still my Mother and I suspect there will be good change in our relationship because of the distance but for now I will stay angry and sad and feel pity for my Father.
For after 36 years of marriage,
his wife has left him.

To Him

Today: March First Twenty Fifteen.
Today I will start something.
I do not know if his eyes will ever see it, but I write to a man with every intention that he will one day.

It is someone I believe to be who I am supposed to be with.
Someone I believe I am supposed to marry.
We are not dating, but we have.

For a year and two months.

I met him in highschool, 12 years ago.

We were always dating or seeing other people. Kind of were in the same group sometimes. Mutual friends.
I went to a Halloween Party in 2014 and we talked one on one for one of the first times.

We started texting soon after. By February 2015, I had moved in.

These are notes to him. Words for his eyes, that I hope someday, he will see.
I am in love with him.
And he does not know that in the slightest.

Here begins my expressions and devout devotion through posts.

It is a Big Day

Well I’m not drunk this time.
But I’ve got some big news to share.

My three year old son meets his biological father for the first time today. As of right now, there are no memories attatched to this man. Z has no recollection, no idea that he was made because of two people in love in another country.

Yes, he was there when my son was born. We stayed together for a year or two after.
But those spaces in the brain,
that is not what son remembers.

So after a year and three months they shall meet at my parents log house and I shall stand by and watch very closely. Every tidbit of strength and understanding coming to the platform. Perhaps I will see similarities that I never knew of before. I am proud and excited to show him my dedication and devotion of over a year, in the creating of this boy that is our son.

May the papers over this little boys head, go smooth and easy.
Let us be adults.
Good ones.

 

Rebound

I am completely aware that I could be in the rebound stage.
After six years of being with someone… and then having the comfortable doors of Canada open?

A guy friend of mine got married 2 weeks ago.
He’s scared. I feel it in his hug.
To let go of the single life, is something to fear.

To walk back into it?
That’s something to fear too

but it is damn exciting.

Knowing Unfaithfulness

You’re always going to care when you find out your spouse has cheated on you. Even if you know you are ending. Even if you understand why they did it.
I put an amount of blame on me because I wasn’t there for him.The gap between us widenened as he went out in search of people that complimented him.
Noone likes to stay at home with an unhappy person all the time; they’ll look for happy people elsewhere.

And along the way, chances are you’ll meet someone you’re attracted to. And when the relationship you’re in, isn’t doing so great, you can subconsciously justify the flirts, the attention, the growing attatchment.

Unless you stop contact with that person, it is likely to escalate.
And so it has.
And there must be a reason why I’m okay with it…

A Marriage Ending

I live with the man I married. We talk, we cuddle, sometimes we even kiss.
In 19 days our marriage will end.
We know it will, but neither of us have said it.
It really is quite an odd feeling.
I think I know what follow your heart means now.
I knew from 4 months after dating, I wasn’t. But I liked the guy. And then I loved the guy.
He really is a wonderful man. It’s only become apparent in the last 6 months that we are not good for each other. At this very vulnerable and unstable state of mine, I actually feel unable to form any audible and sensible words with him. He can communicate with me easily. Always has been able too.
But me?
I am in an emotional upheavel that has my head spinning. Everytime he speaks with me on serious matters, I feel worse because it is evident everytime, that I am the main fault of all of this. But perhapas me reaching this point saves us from 10 more years of trying for happy.
Forget about trying for a baby, happiness isn’t even breathing.

I take comfort in the fact that once in Canada I will have the blanket and security I need, for myself to come to terms with what has happened. To accept, to deal, and to begin the run of moving on.
I am confident there, and I’m not even there yet.
But it is why I am pushing the reality away right now. I don’t want to hinder my last bit of time here.
‘ I am a strong woman. I can handle this,” I tell myself. But I am envisioning the me that lives in Canada, not Thailand.
I. Will. Get. There.

Smoother Dealings

Things have been going a lot better.
Somewhere in there my husband went to being crazy nice and patient and that’s resulted in me being less stressed and more happy.
Now that it’s happened it’s like, ‘oh yes, of course this is the change we needed to make!’. If you have different issues but are dealing with them always the same and they aren’t getting any better, then you should probably change how you are dealing with them. The approach makes a big difference. If you talk about it so much that it points out other areas that weren’t even an issue in the first place, that’s a problem. Specially if it happens every single time. I felt that every time we got into an arguement, I knew it was going to end in us still being upset, at something likely different then what started it. The more gentle approach seems to be working. We are happier all around and I am spending more one on one time with Zeek and he can sense it to.

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?

A Point in Marriage

There is a point in marriage I think.
Well, there are a lot of points. But this one I’m talking about, it involves the decision of commitment. You take the vow on the day, for certain.
But it comes back numerous times throughout the marriage and you must make that conscious decision of ‘yes, i’m sticking with this’.
Maybe it doesn’t happen with everyone. Maybe some don’t really acknowledge the choice; that there isn’t one because of that first vow. But to me, a sign of love is making the choice continously. Because love is work. Love takes so much effort and it has more substance when it is something you choose to be in, rather than in because of a vow you made 6 years ago.

It can be a good thing to be aware that you can get out. And that you won’t, because of love.
Of course, in instances of abuse and the like- I would argue changes need to be made.
And if not, the commitment should end.

When we realise the power we have, the decisions we make are more valuable.
When we realise we are staying together, whether it is a question or not- we can be proud of that decision.
Let us feel bits of happiness for making a promise to be with someone for the rest of our life-and
keeping it.
The divorce rates are scary high and we know that marriage is work. It will almost be the hardest thing we do.
So let’s give ourselves some credit and acknowledge the fact that love has brought us here and it is love that will carry us through.