Dangerous Change of Pace

I felt this one coming.
I saw a friend on Thursday last week- knowing I needed that interaction.

The next day I know I needed more. It’s the long weekend after all and there are weddings and my ex is attending one of them and people are doing stuff-doesn’t even have to sound fun but STUFF- and here I am on the Friday and Saturday nights in bed at 930pm with my computer and flavoured water.
So when everyone is busy and I have noone I can find,
I crumple.

I am alone in all of this and if my thoughts are around, they can go absolutely hay wire.
I question myself.

Here is what the inside of my brain has looked like the past 48 hours inbetween the dead pauses of nothingness:

‘ I just want to forget this all ever happened. I want to move on easily. I should be able to do that, I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m a quirk. There was never any problem of finding anyone before. What if everyone is getting snatched up, and I’m going to be that single 40 year old Mom alone. And doesn’t that mean my intentions are wired all wrong. I just want to be in a healthy functioning relationship and that tweaks everything. My standards drop and anyone that is a decent candidate, I’ll go for. But that’s not how I want to be. I just want to take my time, that’s what I should be doing. Letting time pass and being stable. Well why can’t I be stable. Because I’m stuck in the past relationship. Why should I be stuck? He lied about the things that supposedly  happened. He’s been mean to me and I’ve dropped more than half of my pre existing life for him and that wasn’t enough.I can’t make him believe me anymore. He has to believe me for himself.’

And in those thoughts, anger boils in. I’m guessing this is part of the grieving process and I am timid to feel this because I know I’m pushing it to make it easier and that at the same time I want to not want to not be with him, I know I do. But:

‘ Why should I watch him continue on his life with his giant family surrounding him and supporting him while I am a hermit, feeling sorry for myself. It’s okay to be with people now. You left a lot of people but I think it’s time to find them again. If only for a boost back into the world. You’ve hesitated to do this.. ‘

because you thought, ‘ I can’t step back into those old ways with other people, it’s alright to take some time away.I  need to be happy with myself first. The way I used people before, was wrong.’

But GIRL:

‘I don’t have to go about them the same way do I. I can be upfront and tell them my intentions. I don’t have to be 20 years old again. I’m 7 years older and I won’t do it the same way. It CAN be done differently you know! ‘

I love myself and am happy with myself but I need to get out there and feel that validation. I am vulnerable and weak and I don’t see any other way. I’ve tried other ways as it is. No drinking, church, reading, exercise..
I need that healthy attention and that is perfectly normal and I shouldn’t stop myself from getting it just because I’m waiting on my ex. I need to feel better. I need to get into a better position.
And if that means putting my foot out there into familiarity with a twist, I have to do it even if I don’t want to do it. I’m still hooked on him remember? I may feel wrong for doing it because of him, but I have to do it for me.

‘ You turned away from this method because it wasnt fair to him and because you didn’t want to slip into the previous ways it was before him.’ 

‘ But… you don’t have to make it the same way!! Those people have changed too and will view the friendship differently!’

Desperative thoughts calls for measure I am unsure of. I won’t know until I try.
I need to get out of this rut big time or I’m going to sink in it.

 

 

 

 

 

And then the boat of my brain thinks….

 

 

‘ What if I got back together with my ex in Thailand?? ‘

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh faackaloo.

 

 

 

 

Mother and a Last Name

A lot of life changes when you have a baby. But I think I’m still in the process of feeling like a mother. It’s like a new last name. Doesn’t feel quite like yours until you write it down enough and use it.

You see. There’s a secret in my life that only my parents and best friend know.

I’m married.

We signed on May 2nd here in Thailand. We didn’t even have a ceremony for it so it was far from romantic. But there was a beauty to it that you can’t just get anywhere.
We were planning on getting married the year after, and planned to have kids then- but baby Zeek wanted to come in the year of the dragon! My year!

The reason not many know this is because I want to be able to go through all that engagement stuff and plan a wedding. I fear it will take away from the experience if everyone knows I have already signed my life away!

Now Zeek has a Canadian passport and is awaiting the approval of his citizenship. He also holds a Thai passport and eventually will have a British one. I will to.

I don’t feel married to Morgan, specially without the ring, but on the occasion that we must expose our secret, part of me warms up.
And I suppose that’s probably what it’s like for any woman after they get married. Words like ‘ my hubby’ are used often and there is an excited accent to all conversation that drives towards the marriage. Understandably so.It’s a big commitment. I’ve steered away from those words for I truly want our ‘wedding day’ to be when we become husband and wife.
When that day actually arrives, in which we celebrate getting married, I’m certain all those new feelings will arise. It will feel more official even though signing papers is the most official thing you can do on a wedding day!

In both cases, the big day has happened. I don’t feel like a mother, nor do I feel married but if enough time goes by, those roles will root themselves deep.
For now, I’ll live in the channel of the unfelt title and stretch about, because of course, never ever, will I ever not be either a mother or a wife.