You Guys, a Part of my Home

Sometimes I think about you humans while I’m out. I was in Aisle 7 the other day and had the urge to just get home and write about how often I hate that I hide when I see someone I know.
I feel the comfort in my soul to know you are here. That I can come home to you and it doesn’t matter if you haven’t read all my posts to know what you can about me, but just the fact it is out there for your eyes to find.  It’s part of a success. The amount that is laid out here, it is fascinating for my heart to feel.

It makes bringing the dark and scary and wobbly personas of myself to the table (outside of WordPress), more of something I feel capable of doing.

Thanks Cyber Room. For helping to make the other rooms of my house be filled with more me.
Thank you.

 

Past Pops

Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.

 

  • Not currently as happy as I want to be
  • A lull in my life right now
  • I’m wanting what I had
  • I’m lonely
  • I wish I had of been better

 

Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.

I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.

I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
Stability.

Life tells me I’m beautiful

I’m in the middle of being far away. I let the sunrises and sunsets become sightless greys and blacks and I know I’m a wreck when I don’t touch eyes with fellow shoppers. We are people that have the useless power of slumbering through our days standing up.
I drive to work and I get there and think there is nothing I noticed. There is no shape of house or height of tree that I let myself acknowledge. I just pushed air with the car, pressed pedal with foot, and got there.
I don’t need to challenge myself to point out life.
I am apart of it and my brain and heart are too and if I let sunsets and rises sink under my skin, I then become everything there is to see.
Life tells me I’m beautiful, I just need to tell it
that it is beautiful too.

World

The World ran away from me one day.
I was out eating a pear under a tree
and it just clapped shut and took itself.
I didn’t have my pear but I still had my mind
and I thought to it,
it is impossible for the World to steal
It owns everything, It is everything.
People steal from people,
we rob ourselves of seeing beauty
but the World doesn’t take anything from us.
It gives pears and trees, and grounds to sit on.

and for that,
I’ll give World me.

I’ll stand Worlds’ ground
and give It me.

And in the End…

You’re the type to leave me speechless while I’m bursting at the seams to speak
The one that’s got me wrapped around my own beating heart.
I’ll gently breath into your soul, while you aggressively reach for mine
And we’ll dance this song to the end so that the start is what we’ll find.

 

It Continues Through

There is no harness to your love
all attachments are custom made
Pre-designed with the power to continue
like it does when I least think it does.

Your wheels are always forward
but they move left, right, and round
circles that keep the motion going

yet makes meeting the bad places
inevitable.
In the circles we always want it to
be different.
We can’t help this time
what we love.

As much destruction
has broken us to twigs
we move and move
because your love has no harness
it is ready and always fresh
ready to take
even my presence
again
oh that I pay the price for all of this
is but only
a part of your love.