The World ran away from me one day.
I was out eating a pear under a tree
and it just clapped shut and took itself.
I didn’t have my pear but I still had my mind
and I thought to it,
it is impossible for the World to steal
It owns everything, It is everything.
People steal from people,
we rob ourselves of seeing beauty
but the World doesn’t take anything from us.
It gives pears and trees, and grounds to sit on.
You’re the type to leave me speechless while I’m bursting at the seams to speak
The one that’s got me wrapped around my own beating heart.
I’ll gently breath into your soul, while you aggressively reach for mine
And we’ll dance this song to the end so that the start is what we’ll find.
There is no harness to your love
all attachments are custom made
Pre-designed with the power to continue
like it does when I least think it does.
Your wheels are always forward
but they move left, right, and round
circles that keep the motion going
yet makes meeting the bad places
In the circles we always want it to
We can’t help this time
what we love.
As much destruction
has broken us to twigs
we move and move
because your love has no harness
it is ready and always fresh
ready to take
even my presence
oh that I pay the price for all of this
is but only
a part of your love.
We spent more consecutive and planned time together these past three days than we have in five months.
And it’s because we knew the rest of the gift was coming.
We were dating-past free- for the weekend.
Dinner and desserts and movie and conversations about everynothings- all the things we know our hearts ache to have from one another. We gave in to simplicity and let ourselves forget our mess.
We let ourselves get good and deep and lost.
I’m not giving up,
I’m just tired of words that don’t carry any meaning and tired of actions that are only giving way to the us in the past.
I have a blank head at the moment.
But anytime I’ve been away from the computer the past two days, I have a consistent thought.
I’m going to let force myself to slip into a careless, functioning part of stillness and float.
It’s all stories.
Everyone is one. Everything we say and do, is at least a part of one. That One is Yours.
Then we have the impacts. We’re all characters with roles we don’t even know we’re playing.
The amount we relay and to whom is a part of our character. People percieve it at all different levels, but the fact that we’re now apart of not just our one story, but theirs too, is kind of cool. Right?
You fill up your vehicle at a gas station that has really great fuel prices. Your aunt tells her friend that, and her friends son goes to that exact gas station and sees a friend that invites him out to a baseball dance party game slash whatever sounds awesome right here and he has such a great time and meets his future wife.
We are all connected.
I guess a blank mind is never actuallly blank.
I wanted to get out of the house, so I went into town.
Drove slowly through the neighbourhood, went to a park and son had some food at a restaurant.Walking out- I see coming in, a father whose twin boys go to my sons school.
Four minutes later I am walking down the street holding a glass vase with a rose inside of it all wrapped up in paper and an unopened envelope addressed to me.
” Just because. because I’m going to miss seeing ya each week at school, ” he had said.
It does make me feel good about myself.
It takes me back to the memory of the older men that wanted to be with me while I was in Thailand.
The 52 year old Australian who bought me my first Iphone just because. Well, he wanted me to stick around of course..
he wanted me to come back and live with him. To be Mommy to his two boys who were had via surrogate. He was incredibly wealthy.
I am not bragging, I am stating facts.
I have been low the past few days and these facts lift my heart up a bit. In an odd and guilty way.
It makes me think of the 48 year old who comes reguarly into the store I work at and has told my co-worker he’d like to date me.
It makes me think that I’m worth something.
And it bothers me that I rarely see this for myself. I do not look for it out there, but I don’t see it unless it comes in this form.
It dawned on me last night,
at dusk. It set into me, as my heart rose. It went to the bottom of my soul,
while my senses were in tip top. It all went down, I said, ” I’m up for this.”
Somewhere in the loins of last night, thoughts collided into my system and made all the lightbulbs in my 125 pound self, glow.
Warmth radiated off me that I was surprised, did not set the rugs a flame.
The ideas sourcing through my veins are ones I recognize from old self.
My confidence is being regained in surge and the specifics are coursing on all cylinders of my intellect.
I am done being treated the way I was.
I am finished with the distrust and disbelief.
I believe too much in my heart, my soul, the lightbulbs in my bones
the things that I KNOW.
I believe in better and healthier
and I will not launch back into that relationship until it is good and ready for us.
If ever it will be.
No matter how badly I want him to be in my life and my sons’
I’m laying down standards that were lost in the garble along the way
and I am sticking up for