No Amount of Wednesday

How many hundreds of tears will I shed for this?
My eyelids could go to the Olympics in the heavy weight class. My heart is sniffles. No amount of Wednesday could make me unlove you or miss you less. I miss the living daylights out of you, your nighttime sheepish grin.

What Do You REALLY Miss?

Do you miss a person?

Take that idea and hold it in your heart. Now we’re going to inspect.

Perhaps you just miss the feelings he created within you. How he or she made you feel clever, hopeful or even better as a person. Perhaps she was a creative outlet in which you were appreciated- for your wacky brain, your confidence in creating. Maybe you don’t miss him at all but all the things he provided. Safety, stability, being cared for. Even the person you were when you were with him.
It may be that you don’t really miss who she is as a person, but rather the world of what it meant to have someone there. To connect with and share with.

Really let your heart feel out on all angles, what this miss actually is for.

Next I want you to ask yourself what of that miss, you can supply on your own.
Getting into a comfortable relationship with yourself is so incredibly important but it’s often the thing we focus on the least.

Administer the value on yourself, yourself. Take moments to actually laugh at how silly you are being or how radical you know your mind is. Validate your beautiful existence yourself.  If this means making a sticker chart and rewarding each recognition with an end of the week treat? Then do so.
Fill this ‘miss’ void as much as possible. Wrap up love and give that gift to yourself  over and over again.
In the end, you’ll find you are much stronger and funner then you thought you were and whatever miss you felt for a person or a place,is less- simply because you’re able to produce the feeling of being cared for, yourself.
May I remind you too,  you don’t need someone else to make you better. If you like who you are when you are ‘better’, go be that without the crutch of someone else. 
If you can do that, your ‘better’ just got a whole lot better. 

 

 

Different Miss

I’ve been in the disease of missing before.
Living away from the country and people and love that was around me, things that had become giant parts of me over the years.
 Yeah, it’s easy to feel disconnect when you’re not surrounded by the familiars of you.

And then you’re in the city you grew up in and after experiencing that miss, it seems more severe, more hurtful and in a way…pathetic.

I’ve established that it is miss
but a different miss, a different longing.
And all the capabilities and potential you have around you, is what makes it stronger. You get into that whirlpool of feeling sorry for yourself and that just makes you miss ‘happy you’ even more. So now you’re not only missing what you started out missing, but the absence of feeling stable. 

As powerful as homesickness can be, when you have all the tools, the language and the same culture at your hands’ existence yet only feel that one thing can fix it, you’ve kind of got it even more backwards.

I just fricken miss you and your 8 minutes away and you miss me too and I’m trying not to wait but I know I am. For you to say, ” Yeah, what are we doing. I want to be with you, I want to be with you no matter what has happened in the past. “

I know you miss me because after two days of zero contact, my phone dings at 7:08 am and it says Geeze I miss you.

 

 

 

My heart aches.

Miss and Individuality

I’ve been in Canada a year and a half now. After living in Thailand for five years.
I can tell you that I do not miss the place too much. I have pangs of it every now and then and a slew of specific moments that snag in my brain system. I don’t know what draws them out- usually it’s nothing relating to what my present moment is.
I don’t get stuck on them though-I let them pass for what they are and continue on.

As soon as those deep misses hit,immediatly following I feel either one of two things.

One: You want to be at the place you are not in; but  you have set a perfect example of the grass not being greener on the other side.

I want to go back sometimes, but if I think practically, the idea is absurd. I got into such a rut there ( my relationship at the time certainly aided it) that I began to detest my surroundings. Wanting nothing more, than my homeland.

Two: I am fortunate to be able to feel something like this. For a place like this, for a time in my life like this.

There are millions who will never know what living outside of learning what hackysack or hopscotch or caramilk chocolate bars are. Millions who will never spend five years of their life in a country with a language different then their own. People who will not know what it’s like to go without having a bath for years and only showers. Who will not know what it’s like to miss a bag of ketchup chips or honey nut cheerios.

And that’s okay.

I admit to never walking the Great Wall of China or trying to learn how to surf.
I’ve never even eaten an olive and liked it.

And this is what creates individuality.

 

 

 

Text Machines like OldTimes

We texted for 30 minutes last night, back and forth. About fun,goofy,giddy things that held no weight but the deep sense that we were communicating like we did when we first started dating.  You told me you had dropped a knife on your foot while putting the silverware away.

Then today you texted me first, telling me you had got it stitched up.
And back and forth for over an hour, our texts transferred to one anothers phones.

You still love me and you know it.

A Country Break Up

I think I thought I would miss Thailand more than I do.
I do ride on waves and big wind gusts of the stuff sometimes. But it isn’t very frequent at all. And it’s easy to get off of them.

Since moving back to Canada in September of 2014, I have been conscious-and still am- when it comes to Asian stuffs.  I refuse to have any contact in any form with Thai friends. I don’t let myself scroll through there Facebook pages or Instagram accounts. When I see Asians out in public I do find myself staring and feeling a deep connection. But that is really all I allow myself. Partly because I cannot control the sight of them, and partly because running in the opposite direction just doesn’t seem like a good thing to do.
I’ve found that it spills out an over abundance of connection to the country and memories and feelings that I consider to be  interference’s.

It’s kind of like a break-up. Emotional connections don’t just ‘zip’,’zilch’ out of your life. It takes time. You’ll still see things or hear music that reminds you of them, and that’s part of the whole process. The duration of it depends on the person.

Thailand will always be a part of my life. I had my son there and he’s a quarter Asian, for goodness sake. I am not against the country or it’s people but by cutting out as much contact with it, it has helped me lesson the emotional attachment I had pertaining to that part of my life. Coming to the understanding that I do not miss it because I have not made a place for that miss to build, is a reassuring, refreshing analysis in my life.
I am capable of doing that with other categories. I can avoid the dangerous, tempting spots. I just make a conscious effort and ‘voila’, time gets it.
Time will always get it.

Wants,Needs and Relationships

I look back at the men I have liked in my life and I see resemblances and similarities.
I think we all have types but sometimes they are broad enough to be categorized into a non existent file.
It is a file in itself and today I pulled mine out.
Some men I have been with are much more similar than others. The dynamic is a bit different in each relationship. But this is what I’ve noticed.
There is a very creative type I enjoy.
I have only come across or recognized it in two men.
And the first relationship didn’t end because we wanted it to. It just did.
I enjoy creative minds. Men that will act on stage, will make funny faces and do projects, just because.
I am attracted to this type because I see it in myself. I am shy in a lot of ways but I know I am able to unshell if I am with a person that is already out of theirs. And to be out, is a confidence.

In almost all of my relationships,the guy has started to like me more than I like him.
I end up getting the pants in the relationship up past my knees before I realize I’m wearing them. And I’d rather us both wear them.

I start out pretty dominant.
I have confidence in who I am and I already know they will like me before they tell me. I know how to be in order for that to happen.

I know they will find me interesting and exciting. All the little quirks about me that are mentioned in each friendship or relationship I enter..they are points I focus on now because I know the value people have for them.

I used to be more pure. More innocent. I didn’t recognize my difference.
Now that I have,I use it.
It still is a huge part of who I am, but I feel I have enhanced it, and maybe not so naturally.
But maybe it is naturally.
Maybe this is growing and collecting confidence.

I have dated men that I turn silly.
Serious five years older than I, silly.
I bring youth, I get excited about small things. And they latch on.

And lastly, I find myself in a relationship where I respect and admire more than I ever have before. I am proud and look up to him just as I do my father.
I have not ever been much of a responsible person. I get my mother to pay my cellphone bill, I get dad to fix the broken wheel on my bike, I lose my phone and I use my sisters.
I have been spoiled in life.

And my life now, is an indirect correlation to that fact.
It is not until I found him and have lived with him for years that I understand fully, why I need someone like him. It is not fully, until we have a child together.
It makes a difference that we are in his country though and it has come to a point where I am desperate for independence.
I wait.
But it gets difficult.

I understand now that I need someone to do bills and medicals and buy plugs and run errands. Someone that doesn’t complain if the dishes overflow or if a trail of ants is leading from the front door up the stairs.
I am lazy.
And he is too.
But when he needs to get something done. He will do it.

I need someone that is responsible for me too.

Each relationship we get into is a reflection on where we are at in life.
Sometimes we know that the one we are with at age twenty one is the one we want to be with at thirty six.

But along with wants, there are needs.
I haven’t figured out the exact place where each should go but I know they are both important to have and to fulfill.
I have most of the needs covered but I am not as happy as I know I could be if all my wants were too.
I am a realistic person and I understand that I cannot have everything. If I thought that, I would have left Thailand two years ago.
But I see the damage that can occur when a long time want enlists itself as a need.

I like balance in life.
My needs are being taken care of.
I am happy for that.
But there is a portion of happiness I miss. That creative fun going energized happy.

I am aware I can create it. But it is the first time in my life I am doing it alone.
And it is because when I was twenty one, I fell in love with a man who could fulfill my foreseen 25 year old and older, needs.
It was important enough to me that my wants dissolved and now at twenty five when all my needs are met, the wants come raging full force.

It is a far different relationship I’ve ever been in.
Our relationship will change when we move to Canada. And I am very interested in how.
I will become busy outside of the house.

As for now, I find my wants of creativity are being fufilled outside of the home.
I have found it in the second most creative person I have met in my life.
It is one of the social pieces I crave.
But sometimes I wonder, if it is becoming a need.

Things I Miss about Thailand

I go back home at least once  every year and a half.
While there it doesn’t take long before I begin missing the lifestyle
that Thailand offers me. Often times  my brain will feel on the
outside of everyones. Thailand is a big part of my life now and so it
is one more thing that people cannot relate with if they haven’t been.
Two years ago I had begun to say that I would not be able to marry or
be with someone forever if they hadn’t experienced Thailand. It’s just
too large a part of me for it to go by.
When I come back to Ontario it doesn’t take any time to adjust, but
miss begins popping up only a few weeks in.
The miss will never be as strong as my miss for Canadian life but it
still develops in its own way.

I will miss the markets and the restaurants. How so much is done
outside in the open air.
I will miss the ultimate slow pace of life. How noone seems to be in a
rush and how time doesn’t matter. ( all though this has its downsides)
The bag of mango or pineapple I can get from a street vendor at any
point during the day. Roughly 75 cents.
The food stalls and there wonderful spicy smelling dishes. The ice
coffees for 75cents as well. Even the dollar beer.

I will miss the attention I recieve because i am a white blonde.
Even though there are many days I wish I could blend in, it becomes
something I miss when away from it.

Im not sure I will miss seeing 711s every 500 feet but I will miss
their distinct smell inside and the five cent water they sell.

There are people and things that are in the same spot every night. I
will miss how I know that they will be there. I will miss seeing them.
There is something about being that familiar with a city that is not
your own.  This city will never be mine but it is pleasent to have
predictable occurances.

I am okay with missing either way, (Thailand or Canada)  because to
me, miss accounts for something. Miss tells me I love.
Miss provokes genuine hope and broadens my perspective. It helps me to
dive deep when I am with people that I know I will miss.
It is a reflection of who I am.
I miss that meal because I always ate it with my boyfriend.I miss the
ice coffees because it reminds me of a time period in my life where I
walked for hours around the city. Exploring. Adventuring.

I love that I miss.

Sometimes it hurts real bad,
but I will still continue to do so

because missing accounts for something.