I like you so much it’s pretty well love.
I like you so much it’s pretty well love.
“My nose is broken when it’s stuffed up. “
“Mom, I have another ask. “
Me: “The moon is very far away. ”
” No it’s not. We just need a bunch of ladders.”
” Did you cut your blood off?” ( referring to a cut on my leg )
“Santa is 68 kilometers years old. “
“Can Santa see through the roof?”
“Did you put it through the dryer?” ( referring to pan friend ham )
Limousine is “limonose”
Peanut Butter is “peener butter “
” We are hearts, so we hurt.”
” There is sun in my body that melts it.” ( Referring to chocolate he just ate )
Morning bus and afternoon bus,
when it stops and the lights go on and the stop sign out,
and my child gets off the bus safely.
Every single time
when there are cars that have stopped,
I acknowledge the people inside of them.
Not all people follow laws,
sometimes I acknowledge the people that do.
I turn and I wave
to let them know
I appreciate their red tail lights.
I’m trying to convince people I’m a bad person, when I’m not telling them directly why I think so.
I suppose it is getting my toenails in the door of truth. And that I’m doing it the slow cowardly way.
I feel once I tell one person, it will be easier to tell others. Even though everyone is different,reactions will totally determine whether or not I tell many.
The past week I feel I have went out everyday and saw at least one friend. I’ve drank three nights in a row like I’m 19 all over again.
It is liberating. Tiring, but emotionally boosting.
Like I’m getting somewhere with myself, getting it out of my system.
I’m five pounds heavier than I want to be and people are physically attracted to me.
I have a good Mommy body. And I know I do. But I don’t use being a Mommy as an excuse at all. Nor will I ever.
I will use my kid as a weight if I have to. I will run laps around the yard with him.
Bubble moving thoughts. They are wonderful these days.
I have been in Canada the past two months. The country I grew up in . The people and culture that is now engrained in me. Within 24 hours, I will be at an airport with my son and Mother and I will be flying 18 flight hours back to Thailand where house is and husband will be and I will pick up on my life there, where I left off.
For the past four years I have been living on both sides of the world and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am scared for the future. I am excited. I am aching with the goodbyes and my stomach is sick with dread. With what I know is to come.
My eyes are bloodshot and dry, tired and drained.
I don’t know how to do it any other way because this is what I have known. This is the heart ache I go through every single time I come for a visit. This is the pull and the push that happens. That leaves me weak in the knees. I am exhausted and feel numb and empty and full of every emotion all at once.
I am in shock.
Because it doesn’t make sense in my head how the time happened. How in two days I will be back to an entirely different lifestyle.
I am freaked out because I don’t know how I will be. I shake and spin and hope that I can do this. That I can get through one of the hardest times leaving.
I do it this way, involve and invest, attatch and connect to people here because if i don’t have this, then I don’t have much.I need this closness in order to feel valuable in this world.
I need to feel loved by more than just one person.
Leaving loved ones is one of the worst feelings.
But because I can feel that way about them, it is also one of the best.
It is better to feel,
then not to at all.
So many things in the mind!
This won’t be a pretty post I say.
Just a vent experience. Rolling down hills and splashing around in muddy puddles.
In days where I just feel quite a bit alone and not really connected to much. Eating snacks and not quite so much meals and doing plenty of laundry and realizing I’m not even thinking about anything at all.
I try to email people without the expectation that they’ll write back. But it’s pretty darn difficult. Specially when it’s my own family.
And I don’t know how single moms do it without cracking like a giant earthquake.
Tough stuff inevitably happens. I guess it’s how we deal with it that really makes a difference.
And I know there are days where I feel better about being down. They aren’t often. I allow myself them because I think it’s a healthy thing. I just make sure I get out of it. Each and every time.
Maybe I’ll let myself eat a whole bag of Jelly Bellies and feel GOOD about it. Maybe i’ll clean every inch of the floor and then climb a tree and sit on the funniest looking limb. Maybe I’ll look at the clouds and imagine myself riding one.
And I’ll get there. I always do. Because I know I am apart of what makes my life good. What makes me happy is me and my strength and my ability to get over the hurdles that come my way. Hurdles I let in. Hurdles that come unexpectedly.
No matter how they come, I’m wearing my shoes of confidence and my brave face and I’ll do what it takes to get over them!
Some will be higher than others but I accept that and there will be more than one hurdle sometimes and I accept that too.
I must be strong for myself and for the others around me.
People around me, no matter if I know them or not, are affected by what I bring to the table.
And if I bring my soaked shoes and dirty face, if I bring my ripped shirt and scraped knees but am wearing a smile and smelling of happiness, I will be able to with pride say, that I have jumped over the hurdles I faced. Even if it meant falling two or three times, I picked myself up and I kept trying.
I can jump.
and I just may land at your table.