Breast Enlargements

I think it interesting how woman will go and pay to get there breasts enlarged and wear tight, low cut and revealing tops or dresses.
I guess it’s almost like buying a sports car.
But flaunting body, not money.

I suppose because I’m more attracted to someone who spends time and pays attention – not money- on themselves, that the instant gratification implants offer isn’t as soothing an idea to me.

And yeah, you may have worked for that money used to change your body, and you may have felt completely useless and without confidence in your old shape.
But hey, I think it might be saying something when every outfit and event has you popping your boobs out like they were that way all along.

At that rate, I just think ones’ insecurities should be put under evaluation, not the knife.



One Man

He was a hard worker.
He drew the blueprints and built his own 5 bedroom house when he was 23.
He married a very pretty woman.
They had children.
She was the lenient. And he was the strict.

He worried about money a lot
and she spent it
or rather,
she spent it
and he worried about not having enough.
He moved up the ladder in his career.
He was the leader at work.
But he wasn’t at home.
They fought about the children and about money.
He put all his time and effort into doing better where it felt it did less damage
where negative affects weren’t seen.
He became a workaholic.

He spent less time at home
the relationships with his children suffered.

when asked to take on a job away from the house he had built
he said no
because his children were young and he still wanted to influence
as best he could.
For years until it was all his life,
he was boss over hundreds of people
but barely had leverage on his own family.

They fought all the time.

He gained more respect at work
but had none under the roof he lived
the one he had made with his bare hands.

Until the children were all grown up
and he went overseas to work
once, twice
and the picture became a little clearer to the grown-ups.

A few years before he retired
when the effect of his wife was wearing off
his children slowly found the seeds and admiration grew.

After 36 years of working and being the unfavourable parent at home,
he retired
with the relationships between his children intact.

Six months after he retired,
his wife left him.

She demanded more than half
of what he had worked for his whole life.

Instead of retiring with the hundreds of thousands he has accumulated over the years,
that money now goes to lawyers
Instead of that money going towards his childrens inheritance,
half of all that he has worked for and sacrificed for his entire life
now goes to her.



That one man is my father.
And all he has worked for in his life,
is now being taken away from him
by my mother.






Back To Thailand

Let’s take a look back to the place I lived in for five years. Pattaya,Thailand.
It changed me.
As  moving anywhere does.

Pattaya is a city of tourists,prostitutes,murders,drugs,wires,signs and deceit.

That basically sums up the negative.
But I am not such a cynical person that I find no positive of anything.

Fruit is wonderful, markets, 24hour 711’s almost within 4 minutes of anywhere.
Beautiful. Cheap clothes.

And there’s people that will drive you home so drunk you don’t even know where home is and they call your mom from you iphone asking and taking no money from purse and delivering.
Once in a lifetime that happens.

There’s also the time where you almost get raped by a so called friend and you set it up cause you went there alone in the dark and it waas in the middle of nothing but  a pack of dogs so when you scream and bolt and run and run and have dogs chasing and you’re whipping stones at them and hoping hoping hoping you won’t feel their teeth on your leg, well that’s life there too.

I haven’t had many scary expeirences there. That I felt. Save for that one. So in five years, i think that’s doing pretty good. I mean, i putmyself in dangerous spots all the time. I truly did. I ate noodles in a stairwell at three am for 2 months straight on the weekends.

I bruised with reality. I tested it. I got so drunk i was shoeless in a massive downpour, water rushing down streets and alone and white wearing me , brother searching, me just drunk drunk drunk.

I like to believe that my non touristy brain, saved me.
That I could smell danger, I avoided. That I thought like them. That my knowlede of the city, the people, helped me. I was able to manevouer around people. My expertise at people, at Thai’s really came into play and I belive that the reason for my safety.

No matter what they say.

Cause they lie like they need the money.
And most of them do.


Having Anyone or Anything- Is that Happy?

I’m going to sound conceited, full of myself and empty of humbleness. But these are a few facts from my thinkings.

I could be with any guy.
Any guy I’ve wanted, I’ve had. ( I consider celebrities non obtainable )
I have not had my heart broken, but I have broke many.
When you have a selection of an empire, your happiness seems more difficult to find.
Just like rich people. When you can purchase anything you’d like, the level of contentment stretches beyond what you can actually reach.
There is a statistic that notes of an annual salary above a certain amount. People that make above this number, are usually unhappy.

Which guy will make me the happiest?
I don’t discard them like scraps of metal, but it makes it easier to move on, knowing I’m able to jump on the Relation Ship again. Thing is, I’m always jumping on it with a life jacket around myself. I haven’t ever fully given myself to anyone because I’ve only wanted to feel the waves out.
And you can’t do that expecting to get to a shore of ‘for better or worse’ or ‘for forever’.

I’ve wanted to reach that shore, and believed entirely that I was capable of and willing to with each of my past partners.
But I was not.
You can’t be in a ship with water wings on, a life belt, or while clutching flippers. That’s like having one leg in the water and one leg on the boats’ platform. Like having half your heart with one person, and the other half floating on tree branches or bottles, searching to see if you’ll see anything else float by that looks better.
On the sea I’ve launched myself in, I’ll be 50 with 4 kids from three fathers,sitting on a crappy piece of styrofoam.
At the rate rich people spend and respend and change out for the newest models,they’ll be found in there luxery suite with a bottle of pills next to their dead body.

So where does the issue hide itself.

To my belief, it wraps around our lungs and our soul and coats our spirit with misunderstanding.
Nothing will make you long term happy,and I mean nothing-no new baby, no new job or cold case of beer- if you are not happy with yourself.

If you expect to find it in the layers of clothes you wear,
you’re the one that stands naked in the shower.

Visa Run-Thailand-Laos

The following is an old recount of my visa run in 2011:

There’s the three men from Israel. One of them is six and a half feet and limps around. Him and one of the other Israelian are jokesters and laugh quite a bit . I like this. 9 men altogether and by the end of the trip I have had converstions with all but one. He doesn’t stand away from the crowd, he just doesn’t enter in a sentence. Theres an english man named Stewart who lives off of Siam Country Club Road and first came to Pattaya in 1996.( same road I live on ) Eazrs is the other Israelian who I think looks French and buys me a red chupachup at one of the stops. ChupaChups are suckers. There is quite an overweight guy who takes six pills togo to sleep. Last stop he didn’t even get out. The quiet man is from the UK. I forget how I discovered that but i have . The driver and his red dyed sidekick are both thai and are gentle and comfortable. I met the driver six months ago when i did this trip the 2nd time.

Three in the afternoon on a white bed in a corner room. They gave me the corner room at the end of the hall- further away from everyone. I was smiling when I got into the van last night and smiled even harder when i discovered all the men in it were basic baldies. I’m the only girl on this visa run. As usual. The first time I went it was with mom and that was about a year ago. I have done one trip like it since so it is my third time. I like it. It’s a van ride all night where we stop every two hours at highway rest stops for those smokers an pee breakers.We arrive at the border which we wait an hour for to open. We go thru while our two drivers do the paper work and handle our money and get us the stamps that will allow us to stay in the couuntry longer. We get to our hotel at 830่am and I am tired and quiet and i go up to my corner room on the fourth floor and read. Then I decide to sleep. And I do for at least an hour and thirty. I don’t wanna sleep longer because I want to sleep tonight. Dinner is at six So I’ll go down and eat slow- a big fish. This time last year I didnt have desire to choose fish. Then maybe I’ll feel like explorig the city. I really dont feel like doing It right now. I don’t have energy an I have to ration my water. I am not changing over my Thai baht to Laos kip so I can’t buy water here.I have to save but I know that if i had unlimited amounts right now i would guzzle at least a whole bottle . I am thirsty .

While on the way up to Laos I stood away from everyone / I didn’t wanna talk. And I walked around the other side of the building and saw a frog with gold eyeshadow on. I saw the wire meshing of an animal and the greenery beginning at the hooves of it – that’s how they grow into something. I took a picture of it. Also of a truck piled incredibly high of white stuff.  I also saw a spider line from tree to tree and it was in the lamp post light in the rain. In this corner hotel room there is a non smoking sign and underneath it is a clean glass ashtray

The next day:
And in a van I sit in the back and I see a tree alongside a wall and it is arching in twist , stretching over the top . Like a kid who tried to climb a wall and stopped halfway, it’s head on the other side, the branches only the top visable. And I travel down the road I did 17 months ago with my mother. In the back of a tuktuk, laughing because it made so much noise . A mosquito roams the van. they have 42 teeth i read. And now I have crossed the border back into Thailand. I can feel it . In the ground and in the people. That this is Thailand . And it feels like home. And that realization startles me. Laos was different and the people didn’t seem as friendly but maybe that was just me going on little sleep. Over the border the mens celphones they get on them and talk and I can hear them speak Tinglish to there Thai girlfriends or married ones and me? I text my daddy. I still am the only girl here And I bought these gooey candies and i hadn’t tried them before and when we crossed over into Thailand I said aloud, we are in two places at once! To no one in particular. The guy beside me smiled . Throughout the trip he has continued to feed me lines .I’m wearing a black bandana as a headband and a high ponytail. It is messy and i haven’t brushed it today. Boy stands with a styrfoam cup of noodles from 711. Fork raised six inches above the cup, noodles hanging off and I have to grin There’s two more frogs I see and I check if they have gold eyeshadow but they both haven’t.    I think I understand the way the Thais think more than I do the language. If they say something to me, a big long string of things-I’ll pick out words, sure, but I’ll put the sentence together by the situation, the context, the things swirling around. And thats how I’ll reply. and Im usually right. If i go to canada  it will only take a few weeks for me to lose this.This is what ten months does in a foreign country   I cradle it gently as i do my puppy right  now-sleeping in my left arm while I type with the other…
I am back to the pink house,
able to stay 60 more days legal,
in Thailand.

That vs This

“Did you bring me a prezzie?” doesn’t seem as selfish as:
“Did you bring me a present?”

When asking for junk food, it makes us feel better about eating it when we use a cute little nickname.

“Can you go grab me some chippies?”
“Can you go grab me some chips?”

Money sounds like more when we use the correct word.

“That thing I bought the other day, cost me 286 dollars!”
“That thing I bought the other day, cost me 286 buckaroos!”

When we chat online, ‘Bye’ comes off much more serious than ‘Cya later’. Reguardless if we’re using an exclaimation point or not.

Slang makes things cheaper, makes us feel less awful about various munch and makes us seem like nicer people. Most times?

Just a few knicks and knacks of thoughts people.
Any more you got?