Kind Gesture

A man and I were walking towards the Tim Hortons doors. He got there before me and stepped around the door, holding it open and waited till I got closer. Thank you my teeth grin and sometimes there is the second door and I’m already thinking of it when I see him do the first door spin thing. So I pull the handle on the second door and I step aside and hold it wide and I look up at him because my shoes aren’t as interesting as someone I’ve looked in the eyes not more then once, and he slow moes in my head as his eyes crinkle out his smile and the look of trained hesitancy follows suit even though he’s wearing steel toed boots and a grey streaked pullover. I almost think he’s going to swear out a thank you, his gleam looks that excited.
He enters the store and he steps aside, and turns to me and says, ” You go ahead’, and my heart chuckles and I do step ahead.
I order. He orders shortly after at the next cashier. Maybe the employees had to go to the grocery store to get the bacon for my order.I ordered two things. His order is done before mine and his hands have 7 different cups as he is headed towards the exit. I slant forward quickly and I push that exit door open and I swing around with fresh, and I look him in the eyes and I say ” I don’t need the last laugh, I prefer the last kindness. Now you go and distribute.” And there are smiles the size of the Grand Canyon as we walk our way out of each other’s physical realm.

Little big smalls to take across the board of your day.

Wisdom Chews

My hair smells like bacon
and my ice has turned to water.
I’m fishing in my mind for a bite,
but all I can feel is that the sun is getting hotter.

And get this,
it is night.

My pants are all getting tighter on me,
wish my grip on life was.

I’ll get out of this.

And I will not run with it,
I will walk it into it’s place.

I will run with freedom.
And I will carry nothing but
my own weight.

There are comedians,
are there life analysts that joke about the mundane and the reality of life?

Or
are those two the same things?

I’ll be fine.
I know I am.
Sometimes I create the tornado so that I can spin out of it
clear headed.
As if all the cobwebs and gunk,
spun in control
to my own spin.

And then I ballarina away
on my tippy toes.

I’m closer to the sky that way
don’tchuu know?



You Can Do It To

There is a lot of things we are able to pull aside into our minds and contemplate. To just sit in a room with the thoughts and think and think and think about .
I’ve went through phases where I’d stop and write a physical note down about my specific thought and come back at the end of the day to a page of ridiculous uncorrelated thoughts..and make something really grand with them all.
Those thoughts can be actual occurances. They stem from some truth. And I pride myself on making everyday occurances colourful and beautiful. They are usually simple too. I like to be fun in my head. To laugh at the small things and feel myself getting lighter and looser just because of it . If I am able to create wondrousity from simplicity without overturning the reality, I think that’s rad. If I am able to do all that and skew reality a bit and KNOW that I am, I think that’s radical too. I don’t want to create heavy out of what I can make light of. What’s the use of baggage when we’ve got aerosol cans.

 

 

 

The Struggle of Changing Yourself

If I could attach a phrase to the last four months of my life. It would be that of this post title.

I can feel on par, in line, mentally stable, eating the best carrots and drinking the most water one day and the next, I’m staying up late watching mindless YouTube videos and adding cinnamon sugar and chocolate chips to my popcorn.

I’ve learned one thing in the past few weeks and I can feel it has embedded itself into my system and that it will slowly grow and become bigger. It will be more of me as time goes on because I will choose for it consciously.

Even if I don’t exercise for three days, even if I falter at healthiness for a little bit of time, whether it be emotionally or mentally, I can MAKE IT a PART of my healthiness by starting again. I have done that enough times in the past month that I know that it works. That the term ‘starting again’ is merely ‘ continuing on in the right direction’. I feel happier because I’ve pushed through my lazy, wanna crumple into a heap of skin and blankets moments, and felt better again.

That’s a life lesson.

You’re going to fall down and your mind is going to feel upside down and your going to think your hearts’ contents will feel better off flattened and left for dead in the street. You will get into ruts, heck, you’ll even make them yourself, but you don’t have to make them deep. 
You will make your own ( when you look back on it ) distinguishable pace. Whether it’s 9 steps forward and 10 back, or forward 10 and 1 back. You have the capability to set that.

And that’s pretty darn amazing.

 

Self improvement is an infinity mile journey. How do you expect to make a dent of good if you continiously wallow in your minds negative thoughts that YOU are not only choosing to hold on to, but are making in the first place.
Get the struggle of  bettering you under control so that you can admit, be aware, fight for and admire, the you that you are forever becoming. 

 

 

 

 

Self-Making

You make me feel so broken,
so damaged, defeated and hurt.

You make me feel that I am noone that matters
that me living makes no sense
that I am nothing but empty.

 

 

I don’t need that. 

 

You make me feel so amazing,
so loved, beautiful, and incredible.

You make me feel that I matter on this earth
that I am valued,
worth everything.
That I am needed.

 

 

 

 

But I don’t need that.

 

 

 

I don’t need it because

 
I am my own power,
my own truth.
I believe in me to do better than I have ever done.
I can be appreciated, loved and trusted
without being chastised for my past.

I can be those things
and not just feel those things.

I can be the factory that I am
and I can make all of those things

 

 

myself. 

 

 

I am Here!!

Friends,
I am standing on a solid
I didn’t have mere months ago.
I was swallowing the booze everyday
and wanted little to do with life
and now
I am here.

Friends,
I am feeling sure of many things
I felt no such thing 5 weeks ago.
I was wishing death was easier
and was angry because I couldn’t do it
and now
I am here.

I am here where I watch the flower fluffs float in the sun down by the creek.
Everything seems to have a beauty.
There is a peace I’ve found just in pushing forward.
I wasn’t expecting this.

But this must be why I kept going.

I believe in me and my ability to love the changes I’m undertaking. I don’t know exactly where this came from. To let go of all the mistakes I’ve made and to release myself of guilt. To know that I don’t need to carry it around. I actually don’t. And if anyone in my past wants to hold things against me, to not even give me a chance to shine in spite of my bad choices, then I do not need them in my life.
I will live better without them.

I am here
and the love for MY life is greater because of it. 

 

 

A Way To Handle Negative

A man named Negative. He throws himself at you wanting to craze up your innards and make ya combust into specks of nothing. Negative wants ALL of us doomed to specks! It wants to take over the world and if we let it, it will.

So here’s how we’re gonna stop it.

Let’s take self. We’re gonna build up an immune system to Mr.Neggypants and we’re gonna start with that ingrained desire to live happily. We’re not going to attack, we’re going to be slow mo human bots for a little while until we get the hang of this.
When Negative enters into our life zone, whether it has surged in and caught us off guard or  eased over the lines, we’re not going to overreact. We are going to be the slow charge that releases an air of nonchalance. We’re not going to give it the satisfaction of our shock, distaste,sadness or our fury. Cause’ that’s the stuff it feeds off of and it will eat it ALL and when it’s finished that, it will want MORE.
We are the mighty, the strong, and we’re going to prove it.

If we view Mr. Negative as a poor lost speck himself; bored and alone, a sad creature stuck in a realm of beauty, ( that’s me and you ) well, he’s a lot easier to conquer.
Show him you’ve switched the controls around to YOU.
Take THAT, Mr. Negative.

You won’t be able to stop him from popping into your life entirely so when he comes around you can say, ” Yah, I know you- but yo, you are not turning me into dust, man. ”   With your continual resilience you are building a resistance.
Eventually, your reactions get smoother, you’re more grounded in confidence and the effect of Negative becomes less negative and more…well…positive. 
Prove to yourself and to everyone around you, that your life is worth so much.
So much in fact, that letting Mr.Negative dissolve you into a speck of nothing is not even the last thing you’re going to let happen.
You’re not going to let it happen at all. 

 

And you’re positive about that.

Up and Down; No Toleration

It dawned on me last night,
at dusk. 

It set into me, as my heart rose.
It went to the bottom of my soul,
while my senses were in tip top.

It all went down, I said,
” I’m up for this.”
-Me

Somewhere in the loins of last night, thoughts collided into my system and made all the lightbulbs in my 125 pound self, glow.

Warmth radiated off me that I was surprised, did not set the rugs a flame.

The ideas sourcing through my veins are ones I recognize from old self.
My confidence is being regained in surge and the specifics are coursing on all cylinders of my intellect.

I am done being treated the way I was.
I am finished with the distrust and disbelief.

I believe too much in my heart, my soul, the lightbulbs in my bones
the things that I KNOW.
I believe in better and healthier
and I will not launch back into that relationship until it is good and ready for us.

If ever it will be.

No matter how badly I want him to be in my life and my sons’
I’m laying down standards that were lost in the garble along the way
and I am sticking up for
me

no matter who’s down with that.