I knew the weeks leading up to the move would go fast, but not like last week.
Last week feels like a blink.
And that’s blinkin’ fast.
I’m basically packed.
And these next few days I will be saying goodbye to this country.
I will light candles and close the lights.
I will turn on slow music and let all the memories, all the life I lived here, go. It will still be a part of me, but I will no longer hold them as if I am living in them.
To move on with as little weight as possible. With little baggage.
With only my suitcases of my most valuable possessions and my son.
I will let go,
I will cry
and in every tear, there will be a memory from here
that I will wipe away.
I live with the man I married. We talk, we cuddle, sometimes we even kiss.
In 19 days our marriage will end.
We know it will, but neither of us have said it.
It really is quite an odd feeling.
I think I know what follow your heart means now.
I knew from 4 months after dating, I wasn’t. But I liked the guy. And then I loved the guy.
He really is a wonderful man. It’s only become apparent in the last 6 months that we are not good for each other. At this very vulnerable and unstable state of mine, I actually feel unable to form any audible and sensible words with him. He can communicate with me easily. Always has been able too.
I am in an emotional upheavel that has my head spinning. Everytime he speaks with me on serious matters, I feel worse because it is evident everytime, that I am the main fault of all of this. But perhapas me reaching this point saves us from 10 more years of trying for happy.
Forget about trying for a baby, happiness isn’t even breathing.
I take comfort in the fact that once in Canada I will have the blanket and security I need, for myself to come to terms with what has happened. To accept, to deal, and to begin the run of moving on.
I am confident there, and I’m not even there yet.
But it is why I am pushing the reality away right now. I don’t want to hinder my last bit of time here.
‘ I am a strong woman. I can handle this,” I tell myself. But I am envisioning the me that lives in Canada, not Thailand.
I. Will. Get. There.