Travelled Birdy WhoaMan

I think this month of 2016 I’ve written the most. In all four year I’ve had this blog.

I just feel like spilling I guess. Brimmed up slowly like the drops of the Tassimo and the cups too small and there it drips down the sides of the black mug I always choose.

I’ve been to a few places in the world:
England, Italy,Switzerland,France,Germany,Thailand,Austria,Oman, practicially all 51 ( or is it 52 now? ) states of America. Vancouver,Newfoundland,Toronto,Quebec.. and none of those are airport pitstops.
Those are a few off the top of my head.

I started out young. 16? Well, young to me.
And I like the person it’s made me. I think.
I think because I also think that sometimes it’s a downfall. Like you need more to impress you now. That it takes more for you to be interested in a person.
Your senses are broadened. You’ve seen more. You’ve met more. You’ve tasted more.

I didn’t intend anything in this post. But here I type, cross legged in a chair from Thailand and my feet are asleep like I will be in 23 minutes.

Through all that travel experience, which has done mucho much for me and to me,
i like how it’s made me want to live in only one country for life.
The country I was born in.

Can Ah Daaaahhhhhhh.

 

Tearfully Letting Go

I knew the weeks leading up to the move would go fast, but not like last week.
Last week feels like a blink.
And that’s blinkin’ fast.

I’m basically packed.
And these next few days I will be saying goodbye to this country.
I will light candles and close the lights.
I will turn on slow music and let all the memories, all the life I lived here, go. It will still be a part of me, but I will no longer hold them as if I am living in them.

To move on with as little weight as possible. With little baggage.
With only my suitcases of my most valuable possessions and my son.

I will let go,
I will cry
and in every tear, there will be a memory from here
that I will wipe away.

Wants,Needs and Relationships

I look back at the men I have liked in my life and I see resemblances and similarities.
I think we all have types but sometimes they are broad enough to be categorized into a non existent file.
It is a file in itself and today I pulled mine out.
Some men I have been with are much more similar than others. The dynamic is a bit different in each relationship. But this is what I’ve noticed.
There is a very creative type I enjoy.
I have only come across or recognized it in two men.
And the first relationship didn’t end because we wanted it to. It just did.
I enjoy creative minds. Men that will act on stage, will make funny faces and do projects, just because.
I am attracted to this type because I see it in myself. I am shy in a lot of ways but I know I am able to unshell if I am with a person that is already out of theirs. And to be out, is a confidence.

In almost all of my relationships,the guy has started to like me more than I like him.
I end up getting the pants in the relationship up past my knees before I realize I’m wearing them. And I’d rather us both wear them.

I start out pretty dominant.
I have confidence in who I am and I already know they will like me before they tell me. I know how to be in order for that to happen.

I know they will find me interesting and exciting. All the little quirks about me that are mentioned in each friendship or relationship I enter..they are points I focus on now because I know the value people have for them.

I used to be more pure. More innocent. I didn’t recognize my difference.
Now that I have,I use it.
It still is a huge part of who I am, but I feel I have enhanced it, and maybe not so naturally.
But maybe it is naturally.
Maybe this is growing and collecting confidence.

I have dated men that I turn silly.
Serious five years older than I, silly.
I bring youth, I get excited about small things. And they latch on.

And lastly, I find myself in a relationship where I respect and admire more than I ever have before. I am proud and look up to him just as I do my father.
I have not ever been much of a responsible person. I get my mother to pay my cellphone bill, I get dad to fix the broken wheel on my bike, I lose my phone and I use my sisters.
I have been spoiled in life.

And my life now, is an indirect correlation to that fact.
It is not until I found him and have lived with him for years that I understand fully, why I need someone like him. It is not fully, until we have a child together.
It makes a difference that we are in his country though and it has come to a point where I am desperate for independence.
I wait.
But it gets difficult.

I understand now that I need someone to do bills and medicals and buy plugs and run errands. Someone that doesn’t complain if the dishes overflow or if a trail of ants is leading from the front door up the stairs.
I am lazy.
And he is too.
But when he needs to get something done. He will do it.

I need someone that is responsible for me too.

Each relationship we get into is a reflection on where we are at in life.
Sometimes we know that the one we are with at age twenty one is the one we want to be with at thirty six.

But along with wants, there are needs.
I haven’t figured out the exact place where each should go but I know they are both important to have and to fulfill.
I have most of the needs covered but I am not as happy as I know I could be if all my wants were too.
I am a realistic person and I understand that I cannot have everything. If I thought that, I would have left Thailand two years ago.
But I see the damage that can occur when a long time want enlists itself as a need.

I like balance in life.
My needs are being taken care of.
I am happy for that.
But there is a portion of happiness I miss. That creative fun going energized happy.

I am aware I can create it. But it is the first time in my life I am doing it alone.
And it is because when I was twenty one, I fell in love with a man who could fulfill my foreseen 25 year old and older, needs.
It was important enough to me that my wants dissolved and now at twenty five when all my needs are met, the wants come raging full force.

It is a far different relationship I’ve ever been in.
Our relationship will change when we move to Canada. And I am very interested in how.
I will become busy outside of the house.

As for now, I find my wants of creativity are being fufilled outside of the home.
I have found it in the second most creative person I have met in my life.
It is one of the social pieces I crave.
But sometimes I wonder, if it is becoming a need.

Visit is Ending Soon-Preparation

Two weeks before I go.
Once Thailand hits my feet, there will be plenty of change.
Putting house on market. Possibly getting rerouted to work out of Nakon. A town in the middle of no where-which is where we started out before pregnancy entered our lives.
It is emotional these days as I feel the weight of the clock hand ticking. People I see now-it may be the last time I do.
Because it has happened before.

Our plan to move back to Canada is happening faster than we thought. And as I sit at the counter in the house I grew up in, it seems difficult for me to grasp it. Like I’m not ready to handle the move. To start the process.
But it is because I am here. In the country I am in. Two weeks left.
When I think of what living in Canada will do to us, how it will change our relationship dynamic completely… I hesitate.
Let me get through this big change first. Of leaving the ones I love behind. Of leaving the places and smells and food I love. Of leaving my attatchments and ability to speak properly. Conversations and pictures I gleam for.
Let me get through the airports and tears and weakness. Through the 18 hour hour flights and the sleepless 24.
I must build for that now. To mentally prepare so that I can do it without falling apart in the isle on the Boeing 777.
I am strong and my focus must be slowly directed there. For that is how I can do it, each and every time that I have.