You Guys, a Part of my Home

Sometimes I think about you humans while I’m out. I was in Aisle 7 the other day and had the urge to just get home and write about how often I hate that I hide when I see someone I know.
I feel the comfort in my soul to know you are here. That I can come home to you and it doesn’t matter if you haven’t read all my posts to know what you can about me, but just the fact it is out there for your eyes to find.  It’s part of a success. The amount that is laid out here, it is fascinating for my heart to feel.

It makes bringing the dark and scary and wobbly personas of myself to the table (outside of WordPress), more of something I feel capable of doing.

Thanks Cyber Room. For helping to make the other rooms of my house be filled with more me.
Thank you.

 

I Arrive Here

You do not complete me. 
I am a whole strong individual without you. If you die before me, I will still be here.

I am capable of making myself happy. I can make myself laugh, smile and cry.
I don’t need your love to feel full,
I have my own love
for me. 

And I love to dance with me.

You are not my life. I am my own.
I am beautiful standing alone. 

I do not need you in my life.

I want you.
I choose to want you.

I choose to put my time,energy and love towards you.
I am choosing to let your life be a part of mine.
I am choosing to spend my life with yours.  

I choose to love you
because now,
I am able. 

I am finally whole on my own.

Self-Making

You make me feel so broken,
so damaged, defeated and hurt.

You make me feel that I am noone that matters
that me living makes no sense
that I am nothing but empty.

 

 

I don’t need that. 

 

You make me feel so amazing,
so loved, beautiful, and incredible.

You make me feel that I matter on this earth
that I am valued,
worth everything.
That I am needed.

 

 

 

 

But I don’t need that.

 

 

 

I don’t need it because

 
I am my own power,
my own truth.
I believe in me to do better than I have ever done.
I can be appreciated, loved and trusted
without being chastised for my past.

I can be those things
and not just feel those things.

I can be the factory that I am
and I can make all of those things

 

 

myself. 

 

 

Friday Night

I drank last night for the first time since March 11th 2016.

It was alright. I didn’t go crazy. I got real tired real quick. And at the end, I felt bad for the stupid dill pickle chips I ate.

Drinking kind of splattered my health kick everywhere. That’s a thing about drinking that I forgot.
I still feel rather drunkified.

But yuh know, sitting across from a 52 year old male who talks about his antique finds and putting my social skilling to use, was actually pretty rewarding. I reminded myself of what I was good at. It can be dangerous, but this time I know that. I know he’ll like me and want to see me again and that meeting like this, changes everything about our future encounters. I know that my skills still work and I’m more aware of them than I was when I last used them.

So anyhoozle, my night out interacting under the slight of influence was beneficial.
And that’s that!

 

 

 

 

Soft Warm Coat of Understood

When I look into your eyes, a warm coating of understanding
suddenly wraps around me.

 

I am seeing you differently
and not because our relationship status has changed.
It drizzles down my neck, my throat.

 

I am looking at you, seeing different
because inside me,
I am a new person.
A new shape of a being.

 

 

I now look at you with strength and confidence
I am powerful because
I finally am conscious
of not only who I want to be or how I want to be,

but that the change has taken shape.

 
I am not afraid of

me

 

or you.

 

 

I know I would never do what I’ve done
to you
again.

 

 

I am a good, a better
person.

 

 

I am ready to love
my best,

 

 

my eyes
looking into yours,
the
perfect way
to

 

understand this.

 

 

I get Older Too

 

I’m in a relationship with someone that I can’t make entirely happy because of poor past decisions of mine.

I’m not 100 percent happy because of that. I don’t know when I will be able to be fully happy by myself. I don’t think that I will ever be as carefree as I was. You just care more as you get older. About everything.

I watch my three year old son jump in the snow and he doesn’t care that snow is filling up his gloves or that its falling down his back. And there I am shivering in watch, and thinking, I never cared how cold the snow was because it was that fun .

I accept aging. Resistance will only make more wrinkles.

 

Life, I Choose You

You know that quote that goes something like this,: ‘ Don’t take life seriously, no one ever gets out alive anyways’.
How many times do you hear something but you don’t really understand it or believe it?
Well now, I finally get that statement.

I guess my crumple was not the idea of whether to live or die, but figuring out that I wouldn’t end my life. That I couldn’t do it.
So when I came to that conclusion I thought, well if I’m gonna be here, I’d be a little worthless big shit if I’m gonna make it miserable. And then I thought, Well, is it that easy, to make it fun and happy and create a life like that of when I was younger. That felt full of.. life?

And I thought long and hard. I was conflicted. I mean, life was always easy to me. Even the times I went through break ups or sad times, I was back up on my feet running. I was resilient because I had attention and people that I distracted myself with.

But then it covered me in a paste. Simple,rugged facts.

No, life is not easy.
I looked down on my brothers for taking medication to make them feel better about living.  Life is easy and fun. See?  Look at me?

And then,
I’m the one falling. I’m trying to get ground and I’m only slipping and falling down again and screaming at myself to a wall and hating and regretting my decisions and sad all over again because I was the one that was screaming at the wall

because of ME.

And I thought after my lungs were scratched and crisp, that if i could produce that much agony over the past that couldn’t be tampered with now, I could be that beautifully vengeful for my future that had yet to exist. That if i had the power to be that upset over my life thus far, I could be that happy for a life to come.

I may not have the attention I used to have. I may not have the people, the events, the three day weekends of drinking Vex and playing video games with my closest.. but I have love and life. I have choice. I have the power to become who I want to be, every single day. Being sad isn’t going to get me anywhere I want to go. Being sorry for my sadness doesn’t get me anything except a life not lived. I’m not 19 and I can’t go back to that. I refuse to want to anymore. Life is now. With me.

You don’t figure life out, it figures you out.
You don’t try and find life, you create it.

You don’t let life fucking kill you- because it will if you let it- you let life be like, ‘ hey now, there’s a fucking liver of beautiful.’