Taking it Lightly!

I took all my senses and I dumped them all out!
Just underneath the radiator at my old friends house.
Oh I’m a loose part of my bolts, at my finest!
I opt for showing my undone and messy marvelous
that’s why I took to the sea last week and
got on my shoulders and pushed back against the sand.
I don’t know what it means to me but if I ever go chasing
the answers to all the stuff I do not know, I will never be living
the life I want to laugh at, not even to be proud at
but just to make a joke out of all this serious swarm we have amassed.
I bend in light at this strict order and I tell you, my shadow and I
we dumped our senses all out!

Take Alittle of This in your Life

Some of us like routine.
Some of us stick to the things that we know and don’t venture on the unknown.

But how’d ya figure out you liked steak?
How’d you know you liked wearing silk over cotton?

And you know you like coffee. You actually have one every morning?

Here’s why you know:
At some point in your life you ventured out for a moment and whether conscious thought or not – you thought, ‘ Hey,I’m going to try this. I’ll have this. I haven’t tried it before’.

And now it’s the only perfume you wear. Now it’s the only toilet paper you use.
You couldn’t go about your routine without your Apple product! No!

Don’t get too stuck in your ways. You brave a little of the unknown in life -and yes-
it could be a sad,unwanted outcome,
but it could also end up being the girl you happily spend your life with.

Take

Your Chances.

 

Looking Back at Old Happies

You realize new things all the time. Sometimes you ignore them. Sometimes you can’t.
Sometimes deeper inflection means more new things.
I used to be a giggle, life loving, small things make me laugh loud, person.
It got crumpled over the years and now, looking back I tend to feel sad at the loss of that characteristic of me.
But as it turns out,
I am in charge of my self.
I really can promote that type of easy happy. Just by changing some brain thoughts.
I realize that over time I have gotten more conscious of my little springy happiness and thought it to be childish. But now I know that those are the things that do make me happy and without them, I lose a big chunk of self. And losing a good part of self, is a sadness.
I dont’ feel 27. I still feel 20. And that is where the imbalance comes from.
I shouldn’t care about what others thnk anymore. Because it’s wrecking my life.

So I shall now walk into my days with a silliness, a goofiness that I’ve tucked away in trenches. Because that’s the kind of happiness I am good at creating and being around. That’s the me that I need to live.

Life Pondermints

Lately I’ve been thinking about my purpose in life. And also the idea– If I am not living for myself, for who I am, who am I living for? And why.

I think we get into crunches sometimes. And we’re like, ‘ what the heck, how did I get here??’. And it’s kind of a feary feeling.Because if THAT can happen, if we can get somewhere without knowing, who’s to say at which point we’ll end up at the dead point-without knowing?
Oh wait… that scenerio DOES exist.

It’s not to say we can’t end up in GREAT places, wondering how we got there.
But whether the places are of bad quality or of good, if we think hard enough, we’ll likely determine ‘how we got there. Life is pretty tell tale- it’s not all baloney and disjointed burgers of mayhem. But it does have it’s loops of crazy and surprise and mystery.
So if we DON’T figure out how we got to where we are, that’s okay.
Sometimes it’s best if we DON’T know.
But we might never know if we’re supposed to know. Chances are, if we don’t, then we aren’t.

So when I look back to figure out how I got here-well I’m supposed to know. Because I do know. It’s just kind of a weird feeling when I realize being here with a pondering of my purpose for the first time in my life,means that I never pursued potential in it before. It’s just been full of runny eggs,melted yogurt and floating dust particles.

In the past three months I have learned more about myself than I have in three years. That’s a lot of learning.
You would think that with all this new stuffs I’ve got in my pockets, I’d be hop, skip and jump-a-crumpin’ around the earth. ( Okay, so by earth I mean my city )

But NO!
My head is spun out.  It’s like being rewarded 8 different awards and not sure which one to brag about first. It’s like winning the lottery and not knowing what to spend or where to spend the money. It’s like being a new person and not knowing where,or how, to direct yourself.

You can have drives more frequently than others and therefore be considered driven but they all come and go. I’m okay with that, but what does starting my car mean? I know we start at the beginning, but I don’t know where the key to my car is. My heart?

I guess I just want my forward movement to represent the new I am. It shoudn’t be that difficult, but I think reassessing purpose and realizing I was living for nobody at all has really made socks of hesitation for my feet. I’m scared to step anywhere.

But hey,maybe by taking a step in wherever direction, is exactly what I need to figure out where I do or don’t want to step, and give me plans and goals to start mapping my life journey. To start a career of life, by actually choosing what happens in it, instead of just reacting to what does.

Now to stop typing and start doing.
That’s a step, ain’t it?

Freeing

I’m 26 years old and a few weeks ago I figured out the person I want to be in life.

Up until a few years ago, I assumed I liked who I was. And when I shuffled through a few years of my life, I realized I was only convincing myself through other people. That I was creating a happy that existed only because of who I surrounded myself with.
It’s not as easy as taking out all those people-they are not even to blame.
It was me all along,focusing on making a person that guys liked.  Creating this hole to not even China, but to nowhere.
It’s taken a blow, a very low setting in life, to figure out the things I don’t need to change, but want to change.
And the desire to is what changes it all. For a few years now, I knew I needed to change if I was going to be happy with myself. But I didn’t because I got comfortable with being uncomfortable.
I feel ready now, to step back into life;ready to make choices instead of reacting to what comes my way.
I am ready to live.

Finding Independence in Scary

I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.

Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.

A Change In Me

I’ve never liked doing chores. I suppose that’s the way it is with a lot of people. Even in my late teens and early twenties…Mom did the work. I was spoiled and it is probably why I don’t know how to iron shirts properly or clean toilets well. It is probably why flowers I recieve, die in a few days and my cooking skills are at zero.

Having a child kind of changes all that. I don’t feel that it HAS to change. I’ve heard some pretty hairy stories of woman having babies but who do not keep the house clean or safe.
Some mothers like to keep there place cleaner than others. Thats understandable.

But I’m talking about me here.

It wasn’t in my self to stand for 45 minutes finishing up dishes after dinner or vacumning at least once every week or doing laundry every other day. I don’t know where the guster comes from. When all I really want to do is sit in front of this computer box and tap away.
I know I’m pretty selfish. And so thats why this surprises me.

I’m handling this motherhood thing better than I thot i would. And i don’t even know for sure how i thought i would. I just feel different and better and greater of a person.

I guess I’ve embraced it.
I’ve discovered that I like clean things-specially when they are my own. My house, my clothes, my yard.

I didn’t know a baby would do this.
Did you?

 

The Thawing Pieces of Your Life

There’s frozen gumps of plaster in all our lives. It’s just thawing out and every once in awhile we get the drips. We feel the melt.
These arrive in forms of Arguements, Sarcasim, Jokes, and Oblivion.

The people in our lives are affected and are often the ones producing the warmth that begin the melt. Others enter during the process and fuel it.

But there is always us involved. We are the table on which the gumps sit. We provide the platform and sometimes even the tools that make thawing possible.

We are not always going to be solid through and through. We all have our soft spots and weak joints and we are not always going to be good at hiding them.
Either way we are responsible to collect the drips and bring them to the involved individuals in order to make the transition of solid to liquid easier.

To prevent the mess.

All in all, talk about those melting pieces, and talk about the melted. Talk about the whole, talk about the existence of what is happening.
If we recognize what parts drip faster, perhaps we can determine the reason why.
If we can distinguish the reason, in the end the affect of the liquid won’t be something we drown in, but something we can swim through with ease.

Take your thawing to a new level.