The Difference On Same

There was a time that I thought the same as everyone was boring.
Now I feel a sense of unity in it .A bond. I find the balance in knowing that as many similarities we have, their are differences. 
And its not awful to me anymore
Being older kinda makes me want that security in sameness. I value peoples differences, but there’s a special intrigment I find in going deeper with similar ideas or way of thinking. A relatability that makes me feel warm and pleasant and understood. I do think connection can happen regardless. I’m just different now, in the way that I’m more okay with sameness.

 

 

 

Thank you Openly Isolated for the inspiration. 😛

Looking Back at Old Happies

You realize new things all the time. Sometimes you ignore them. Sometimes you can’t.
Sometimes deeper inflection means more new things.
I used to be a giggle, life loving, small things make me laugh loud, person.
It got crumpled over the years and now, looking back I tend to feel sad at the loss of that characteristic of me.
But as it turns out,
I am in charge of my self.
I really can promote that type of easy happy. Just by changing some brain thoughts.
I realize that over time I have gotten more conscious of my little springy happiness and thought it to be childish. But now I know that those are the things that do make me happy and without them, I lose a big chunk of self. And losing a good part of self, is a sadness.
I dont’ feel 27. I still feel 20. And that is where the imbalance comes from.
I shouldn’t care about what others thnk anymore. Because it’s wrecking my life.

So I shall now walk into my days with a silliness, a goofiness that I’ve tucked away in trenches. Because that’s the kind of happiness I am good at creating and being around. That’s the me that I need to live.

I get Older Too

 

I’m in a relationship with someone that I can’t make entirely happy because of poor past decisions of mine.

I’m not 100 percent happy because of that. I don’t know when I will be able to be fully happy by myself. I don’t think that I will ever be as carefree as I was. You just care more as you get older. About everything.

I watch my three year old son jump in the snow and he doesn’t care that snow is filling up his gloves or that its falling down his back. And there I am shivering in watch, and thinking, I never cared how cold the snow was because it was that fun .

I accept aging. Resistance will only make more wrinkles.

 

Too Much Assessment

I believe reassesment of life should be a regular thing. I also believe there is such a thing as too much of it. If there is a lot, it likely means instability, inability to commit, or driveless unmotivated desire to do anything with life. The decision to not choose. To not care.

Some may wonder why they don’t have the care. How they can see someone choosing to hold down three jobs to get the job they really want, and then see themselves as someone who doesn’t care about holding down any job at all.

You make your own life. You really do.
That’s why it’s important to figure out the things you like best in life and then use your mind,take action and make it work for you.

It’s alot easier to type it out then to do. I know that.
But acknowledgement is usually the first step towards any change in behaviour.

Some of us don’t know why we don’t care.
Maybe we used to care more and now we don’t. Maybe it is the other way around.

Life gets to me too much.
That’s where I’m coming from.

I care about the small things that I never used to. And I have bigger responsabilities as we all do as we get older. We’re supposed to do things that make us happy and as we get older, we tend to need more things for that to happen. Sad, but true. Whether it be alcohol, going to concerts,dining out, bowling, movies,games.
We need more to maintain a happiness we got much easier when we were younger.
Some of us struggle more with this fact than others.

What I’m really getting at is,

I’m reevaluating my life too much these days when I should just be living it.
To trust my own judgement with my new identity and believe and know, that that’s going to make me feel better about being my own self and holding down one job instead of three.

Brain Activity

The last two weeks have been a continuous range of frustration and disappointment. My brain I feel, has been melting. Into liquid puddles that drip out of my ears.
I don’t know why it is all of a sudden. But I know it has been a long time coming.
The main line is. I feel dumb.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way after living abroad for so long. I don’t know if it will go away or if the thought and the feeling will continue to pop up until I am back in my home country .
I actually get confused as to whether it is more of a thought or a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder where my brain really is.
I don’t wonder if it would be happening in Canada because I know that it wouldn’t. My mind isn’t to turned on here. And so I guess I should be taking steps to prevent the puddles I’ve got left, from dripping out entirely. Maybe I can splash around and build stuff and make this liquid productive. Things that my husband point out in which I feel like an idiot for not seeing or noticing. No one ever tells me I’m dumb so this is all in a home in my head.
It’s got small windows so no sun stains or dust are around. It is clean because Dumb is tidy and wants to stay long. I had no qualms with him until he began pounding on the walls of the hallways. He thinks this is okay because this is what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
I will start renting out to Smart and I will let Smart be right next door to Dumb and I will see how Smart stops the dripping.
Dumb will not conquer me!