Sitting on the floor of the dining room. Facing the back yard. Through the glass doors I see the birds at the feeder and the sun rising, peeking here and there through the brown limbs of forestry. The grass is green, the house is quiet.
But my ears are not. They swallow up soft joyful music. I shall be motivated and inspired today. I shall take on the day with great to be alive feelings. Because I have that choice.
deep down I know my happiness is coming from the fact that ex and I are still in the cuddle bug rug of datability. And I am holding onto that for all I am worth.
Since I am aware of this I am trying to sway my happiness from just that, to the will to live for simply, the happiness that I can create because of ME. I am a wonderful person.
And I have the ability myself, to sustain that joyfulness through brain choices. Habits form that way. And habiting a life of inner peace and joy has got to be more fufilling than reliance on others.
Which, has always been my way.
We’ve got to be fully happy with self, before we are able to give our complete to someone else.
When you live away long enough from what you grew up around, you start to lose pieces of you.
You don’t have the same interactions that you’ve known all your life and the friends that helped you to figure yourself out, aren’t there.
Sometimes you lose sight of this altogether and it really only hits you once you’re back in your own country for a few weeks.
Some parts of me I actually forgot were there. Until I used them.
And we all know that the ‘use it or lose it’ line is a real thing and that if I don’t use these fun, happy parts of me, I will forget they existed.
But I will feel a void. And as the years go on I will not know what it is that is supposed to be there.
And that has scared me to glossy eyes.
That has made me want to hold on dearer than ever, to the culture I am most comfortable with. The culture I will always prefer over the others.
Because it is the one I know myself best in.
The one I am most happiest in.