One Man

He was a hard worker.
He drew the blueprints and built his own 5 bedroom house when he was 23.
He married a very pretty woman.
They had children.
She was the lenient. And he was the strict.

He worried about money a lot
and she spent it
or rather,
she spent it
and he worried about not having enough.
He moved up the ladder in his career.
He was the leader at work.
But he wasn’t at home.
They fought about the children and about money.
He put all his time and effort into doing better where it felt it did less damage
where negative affects weren’t seen.
He became a workaholic.

He spent less time at home
the relationships with his children suffered.

But
when asked to take on a job away from the house he had built
he said no
because his children were young and he still wanted to influence
as best he could.
For years until it was all his life,
he was boss over hundreds of people
but barely had leverage on his own family.

They fought all the time.

He gained more respect at work
but had none under the roof he lived
the one he had made with his bare hands.

Until the children were all grown up
and he went overseas to work
once, twice
and the picture became a little clearer to the grown-ups.

A few years before he retired
when the effect of his wife was wearing off
his children slowly found the seeds and admiration grew.

After 36 years of working and being the unfavourable parent at home,
he retired
with the relationships between his children intact.

Six months after he retired,
his wife left him.

She demanded more than half
of what he had worked for his whole life.

Instead of retiring with the hundreds of thousands he has accumulated over the years,
that money now goes to lawyers
Instead of that money going towards his childrens inheritance,
half of all that he has worked for and sacrificed for his entire life
now goes to her.

 

 

That one man is my father.
And all he has worked for in his life,
is now being taken away from him
by my mother.

 

 

 

 

 

NonReal Classy

I move the three inch bottle from my purse to my left open sleeve.
I am sitting beside my younger brother who is sitting beside my father who is sitting beside his mom-my 85 year old grandmother- who doesn’t know who we are.

I am in church.

And I take my wrist and i scratch my neck and  Idon’t really care how obvious it is. I want it. So I drink a shot of whatever is in the bottle: vodka,rum,spiced something black licorcie?
I am seeing my fathers brother-my 58 year old Uncle- on the pulpit. But I do not hear what he is saying.
I am thinking about my parents attic. And the entrance to it in my mothers room. ( because my parents sleep in seperate rooms )

I am thinking about how
I mixed vodka with wine earlier.Because I was desperate for potency.

Look at all these ‘I’s. All about me eh. I’ve always been a selfish person. Prooved that in every fricken relationship I ever had.
It’s terrible really .

And I think too,
eventually
I will stop caring about the dynamic between my son and my mother.
Let it be votile. Let he be raised wrong. Let it be out of my hands. It will never change from what it is. She will not change. She is 61.

She is raising him like she raised us.
And we’re all sucks and let her do the dishes and drive us places and she bends like a grass blade in 0 mile an hour wind.

I won’t fight, eventually.
I really won’t .

 

Ohoh!

 

 

They Are Back There

My parents are back in the place I lived in for five years.

Just for a vacation.
Five years of my teaching and drinking and having child and marriage and being and learning the living.
They are in the midst, my mothers skirts brushing at the strokes of my history. My fathers golf swing smothering the memories and moments of mine.

It is strange. They to be meeting with my ex husband. For him to give them a box and for him to give them papers.

It all feels strange. And unreal.
Is this my life or anothers.

Resentment

We all feel resentment.
And I wonder just how much it affects how we do things.
It’s a difficult thing to curb, even once realised.
We can blame for the poor quality at which we handle things.

I feel less good of a Mom when husband falls asleep in the same room as we are playing. I am not angry that he sleeps. It is being in the same room while he does. I don’t try and be quiet but I can’t help trying to. I take my frustration out on Zeek.

This is just one example of the many ways I experience it.

Getting Better or Getting Better in my Lies

So that was a rough patch. I’m onto smoother grounds now and I’m not even sure how I got here. Maybe it’s the shoes I’m wearing. Or the fact that I stopped conversing with a guy friend from back home. I was Skyping with him an hour everyday. Goodbyes are tough and sometimes they trail into the other life you’re living across the world. But we cut our communication off and I suppose ever since then, I am more present.

We still do not have the life we did before. We still are not as affectionate or as playful, as loving or as cute. Even though I have seven new bras and matching panties he ordered from the UK last month, the usage has been sparce.
We both have our things to work on but I just feel that I am the one tugging us down. What runs through my head is the saying ‘ what you loved about your partner, what made you fall for them, becomes the things that bother you the most’ . It is true for me.
I admired his wealth of knowledge, how much he talked for minutes at a time without my response.I was shy and was glad he could talk.But now I find myself shutting off. One of my friends told me, ” It is hard being in a relationship with a smart person. ” Because he is. Way smarter than me. So I have been feeling like a little ant under his giant brain and it doesn’t feel very good.
Sometimes I feel unmotivated to say anything because I know he will come back with something greater, better, something that relates to something else that prooves his point and so all our conversations end up being not about me and my feelings, end up not being simple and organised, but chaotic and sad.

In these days I am weak.
And I am being better, I am trying harder. To get to somewhere good. Because I am coming into focus with the fact that I don’t really want to leave him. That just because it gets tough for me, doesn’t mean I run.
But I’m still stuck. Because I am not who he thinks I am.
I am living a lie and I’m stuck in it.
So am I really getting better? Or am I just getting better at my lies?

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?

Breaking Down in the Last Week

My head is spinning and I’m whirling myself into people’s arms hoping to make some impact.Hoping they won’t be able to forget me and I am neglecting my child and own sister and mother and it hits me today that going back is going to be harder than ever before. Not exactly the leaving part. But the living there part. I have now experienced this life with friends and child.I have finally combined them too in a rapid pace and I am clinging to it.
I have no energy for my child. I am pushing him away as I step outdoors and gulp the last of this air. The people glow. I am feeling guilty and worn and my voice is half gone. I am pushing myself on 5 hours of sleep at night. I am doing as much as I can in the time I have. I am getting frantic and simple things are now making me whimper. Planning to meet people is becoming difficult and I am snapping at my mother.
My ends are unravelling and I feel at this point I have no control. Nor do I want to. My eyes are set on here and now. On the stuff that I won’t have for much longer. I tell myself I’ll be better in Thailand. That I’ll fix this madness. That there won’t even be anything to fix. But deep down I know, something is up. I’m not a good mother here and I don’t know if I will be as good of one over there as I was before I left to visit Canada.
I am scared.
I am emotional.
I am breaking down.

My Parents Anniversary

My parents anniversary is next month.
Something like 35 years.

Over the holidays of 2012, my father opened the mailbox and found divorce papers.

I was at my Aunts when my sister called.
She told me to call Mom.
So I called Mom.
Mom was 2 hours away.In a hotel.
Mom said maybe I shouldn’t go home.

I did
and spoke nothing of divorce to my Father.
He was quiet. And paced the floors like a natural professional.
And we didn’t go any nearer the topic.

He left the next morning. For Brazil.

My mom wanted him to get the papers before he left.
She did it without even telling him.

He came back earlier than planned. Before I left for Thailand.
And Mom and I sat in the basement as he entered the house and I went up to meet him and then he came down and I sat again and he stood and he began to cry.
He looked us in the eyes and said, ‘ I don’t want to leave ‘.
Our hearts crumbled together and we didn’t say much and I felt compassion and love and I wanted my parents to talk it through. .
So they did.

And that is why they will be able to celebrate there 35th anniversary next month.

Don’t Forget Your Partner

It’s a rare morning I wake up to. With baby sleeping, time awake, and my brain right in that location of goodness for writing. Marvelous spot.
Even though I begin this post without much knowledge as to what it will be filled with, I know that I want to write and that I want to post.

I am here in Canada with my boyfriend and I have realized that I have neglected him over the weeks that we have been here. My family has undergone some major changes and upheavel, we’ve went out and I’ve introduced him to my family and friends..all with a new baby in our arms.

It’s very different. In Thailand its just him and I. And Zeek. We don’t have many friends there, so we are throwing time in for each other, watching it whirl its cycle and loving it. Loving the focus. The focus that is deprived here.

I am here for a limited time.
But that doesn’t justify my neglect with my partner.
I see my parents in me. Walking around each other under the same roof. But not ever any real passion or questions on how the day was or what they did.
I see them in me and it scares myself to bits.

My boyfriend is quite the opposite and talks everything over and asks me how I am when we’re out and makes sure I am comfortable and happy. Since here I realized that I could be the cause of that dwindle. If I don’t give back, if I make him feel very distant from me, why would he want to continue asking after me?
I understand there is a selfless state that comes with any relationship and love. But in this situation I see that I have not been fair and have almost pushed him aside even though he is one of the most important people in my life.

No matter the limited time, no matter how busy or how tired, it is so very very important to make the effort and connect with your loved one.
Do it consciously for a certain length of time and before you know it, you’ll be doing it without thought.

How we Could Be

i think sometimes we underestimate the power of a smile. i think
sometimes we know that we should of smiled.

i think there are a lot of things we do and do not do,
things that irritate us when others do them or dont do.
we do them unknowenly.
this is because we are people.

we should probably hold more doors open and ask more questions.
we should learn to listen better too.because we all know thats partly
how people determine your care.
we should give out more compliments.
we know how they make us feel.

when it comes to our parents,we can always be nicer to them.we can
always be more present with them, our siblings and our relatives.
i think our patience and our understanding could use a little
maintence work every once in awhile-so that we are able to stretch
further and become more tolerable.

we need to learn how to turn to our inner core and get loose in
situations.  to not be so rigid and unbendable. To adapt with good heart.
we need to let others reach us, to connect and relate.
we ought to be more aware and in tune with their struggles; even our
own. to become more knowledgable with people and how they work.
communication is an art able to be bettered.

we should try and be more expressive with how we feel towards others,
towards ourselves. really knowing who we are as an individual is the
biggest part in living a full life. but this is a never ending task.
it is something we should take the paperwork for-everywhere we go.

i think we should take more time to colour in colouring books and play
hide and seek. i think we should climb more trees. To exercise more
often. we should probably eat slower and eat less to.
we could try and figure out the things that make us feel better about
ourselves, and actively do more of that.we could consciously reward
ourselves for the accomplishments we achieve too.
things should probably be more in moderation in our life than they
are.
but not smiles.
smiles are best left unlimited. smiles are like
what water is to trees. smiles soak into peoples souls as it does into
the ground. roots suck up this liquid treat like people suck up the
smirks and the grins. no matter the soil, skin colour or disablility,
water and smiles sow seeds of happiness. where the leaves fall, where
the smiles land, new beauty and new energy are sure to grow.
so within all these things we could do, let a smile be the permenent
backdrop, let it be behind everything we do. if we need to focus on it
and nothing else, do so. it is repetition that will make these
actions ones we don’t think twice about.
it will become our bark and our branches. apart of us in every way.